Danielle Wolf, of North Augusta, S.C., was arrested this week on charges of disorderly conduct for dropping the f-bomb in front of her children. According to Wolf, she was venting her frustration that her husband smashed the bread by throwing frozen pizzas in the cart on top of it. Another shopper, offended by her language, alerted a public safety officer, and Wolf was placed under arrest. Wolf is due in court on September 12.
Join me below the squiggle, for a look at how all of this could have been avoided...
Sure, Ms. Wolf should not be dropping the f-bomb (or any other profanity) around her kids. And, in a perfect world, no parent ever would. But, given that my three year old said, "Dam#!+" today when he dropped his Oreo on the ground, I won't be the one throwing rocks at that particular glass house... The truth is, we all lose our patience sometimes, and we make mistakes. That does not make us bad parents or bad people, just human. So, that brings us to the other participants in this little drama...
The woman who called the police was way off base. She says she approached Ms. Wolf first and asked her not to talk to her children using profanity. She claims Ms. Wolf then cursed at her. Well, if that is the case, Ms. Wolf was, again, wrong in her choice of words. But, honestly, if I were at the store, angry at my husband's ineptitude (and probably frustrated about other stuff, too), just having relocated half way across the country, and some busy-body without kids comes up and, in front of my kids, criticizes my parenting, I might be tempted to tell her where to get off, too. How much more effective could this woman have been if she had simply stopped for one minute and thought the situation through; if instead of judgement and recrimination she had offered support? Perhaps she could have simply given Ms. Wolf a reassuring smile and said, "Oh, we've all been there, dear! It will get better." Or, even better, she could have complimented Ms. Wolf's children in a way that would have made her feel good as a parent. If the kid's were being even remotely good, she could say, "I just wanted to compliment you on what well behaved children you have. In this day and age you don't always see kids so well-behaved in public, and I know it's something you obviously work on. You must be proud." This would help diffuse mom's frustration and give the kids incentive to behave (depending upon their ages). Seriously, if her concern was for the children, by adding to their parents stress, she did the family no favors at all.
And, that leaves the actions of the officer. Maybe technically what Ms. Wolf did rises to the level of disorderly conduct, but he should have been able to use his discretion and she never should have been charged. This, in my opinion, ties in to the problems we saw play out in Ferguson this week. Police officers used to be a part of the community they served. They got to know the local residents and understood community standards. Police officers were problem solvers, counselors, advisors and they were trusted and respected. An old beat cop would have talked to Ms. Wolf about not using profanity in front of her kids. (He also would have told the husband to pay attention and quit smashing the bread.) And he would have had her apologize to the "nosy neighbor" and sent her on her way. I'm not suggesting things were perfect in the old days. But at least then police officers had a sense of responsibility to their communities. If we are going to start arresting every parent that curses in front of their children, we'd better build bigger jails...
Of course, all of this could be avoided, if we could just be a bit more thoughtful...