As we enter the last 90 days before the mid-term elections, I thought I'd put together a guide to Republican policy to inform your voting choices.
You gotta give 'em one thing -- they're simple and consistent.
No subtleties for those guys and gals.
They call it "common sense" and "market-based" and "Amurica" and "rights" and "Constitution".
If they're with us, ignore 'em. Or better, use 'em.
If they're against us, bomb 'em.
Then invade 'em.
If they need help in a disaster, send the military. Then ignore 'em.
If you catch 'em, torture 'em.
If they're from south of the border, deport 'em.
No matter where they're from, use 'em.
If they're Mooslum, spy on 'em.
If they don't speak English, ridicule 'em.
Avoid paying 'em.
If you're rich, avoid 'em.
If you're poor, pay more.
If they're sick, good luck to 'em.
Make sure your friends make money off 'em.
If they're poor, screw 'em.
If they're black, screw 'em.
If they're wimmen-folk, screw 'em.
Look out below!
If you've got things to get rid of, dump 'em.
If you've got valuable things in the ground, dig 'em up.
If you've got oil or gas, drill 'em.
If you've got trees, cut 'em.
If you've got water, use it for whatever. There's plenty.
If it's a scientific fact, it's wrong.
If it's a religious belief, it's right. Unless you're not white evangelical Christian.
Civil Rights Policy
If you're white, you got 'em.
If you're black, you don't.
If you're straight, you got 'em.
If you're not, you don't.
If you're anything else, we'll decide as we go along.
If you're rich, you should get richer.
If you're not rich, you should be paid less.
If you're working, you should be working harder.
If you're not working, you're lazy and unqualified.
If it's cheaper to make elsewhere, it should be made there.
Crime and Justice Policy
If they're arrested, they're guilty.
If they're black, they're guilty.
If they're protesting, they're guilty. (Subtlety: they may also be animals.)
If we're gathering for our God-given rights and we're white, we're doing the Lord's work.
If they're accused of murder, kill 'em.
If you're white and you feel threatened, shoot 'em.
If you're a white cop and you're a little annoyed, shoot 'em.
If you're white, evangelical Christian, bless 'em.
If they're not, damn 'em. (God is still trying to figure out where those white evangelical Christians got the power to damn. He knows He didn't give it to 'em. That's supposed to be His prerogative alone.)
If it's done in His name, it's always right. Unless they're not white evangelical Christian.
If you're white evangelical Christian and you believe it's a religious right, it is.
If you're not, it isn't.
If it's for the rich, pay for it. Deficits don't matter.
If it's for the non-rich, shut it down. We're going broke.
If you're white, upper-middle class or above, you get what your local community will pay for.
If they're not, they get what their local community can pay for.
If you get taught Gods, Guns and Guts, it's right.
If they get taught anything else, it's wrong.
If you're white evangelical Christian, government should pay for your education.
If they're not, it shouldn't.
The good guys always win, unless they're tricked or ambushed by the bad guys.
Good guys wear white hats.
So that's it -- if you vote Republican, this is what you get.