From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Total Hodgepodge
"Former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has taken a new job at a Wall Street investment bank. Now he can finally have some influence in Congress."
---Stephen Colbert
Farewell, Joan: "I've had so
much plastic surgery, when
I die they'll donate my
body to Tupperware."
"According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It's clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge."
---Jimmy Kimmel
CNN Anchor: New York's junior senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, says she has been the target of some very inappropriate sexist comments right in the halls of Congress.
Jon Stewart: Ooh...not just sexist comments, but inappropriate sexist comments. That's my least-favorite kind of sexist comment.
---The Daily Show
"Disney World has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through
It's a Small World and deport most of the dolls."
---Conan O'Brien
"You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?"
---David Letterman
And this little flashback from six years ago, when a Republican supernova had just burst on the scene and captured America's
gag reflex heart:
"She knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America...And, uh, she also happens to represent, be governor of a state that's right next to Russia."
---John McCain on Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience
If only he'd won...[
sniff]...we'd have moose meat in every pot and a stealth bomber in every garage.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 5, 2014
Note: In the interest of full disclosure, I am paid to write C&J to promote an agenda. This month it's wastewater treatment plant tourism. So take it from me: go visit a wastewater treatment plant. It's a good time, alone or with friends!
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections:
60
Days 'til San Francisco's
Sea Music Festival at Hyde Street Pier:
8
Number of Fed regions, out of 12, in which the economy strengthened in July and August:
12
(Source: Federal Reserve)
Percent chance that August auto sales were the highest August auto sales in a decade:
100%
(Source:
The Los Angeles Times)
Portion of the world's almonds produced in California:
4/5
Percent of the state's drinking water needs that the amount of water used for almond crops equals:
75%
(Source:
The Week)
NFL opener: Seattle Seahawks
36 Green Bay packers
16
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NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 120 days.
I'm gonna miss her bold rallying cry to stop Obamacare: "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass…Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom. And we may never be able to restore it if we don’t man up and take this one on." It worked so brilliantly.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: This concludes National Puppy Awareness Week. [Scritch scritch] Thank you for your awareness, puppies.
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CHEERS to snappy answers to stupid questions. John Boehner always likes to ask, "Mr. president, where are the jobs?" And despite Boehner's 100-percent obstruction on federal jobs bills, the answer today is, here are some jobs:
Not as many as we need, but jobs nonetheless. (As Jared Bernstein
writes, "one month does not a new trend make.") One of those new jobs, by the way, belongs to former House majority leader Eric Cantor, who landed his one-percent-fluffing "boutique" Wall Street firm gig after a grueling August of not having to send out resumes, file for unemployment benefits, be subjected to soul-crushing interviews, have his online history scrutinized pixel-by-pixel by overzealous HR directors, get a flurry of rejection notices, endure scoldings for having outdated skills, or worry about living paycheck to paycheck. Makes ya wonder how he summoned the strength to get out of bed in the
morning afternoon.
The fast-food strike movement
is growing---how else?---fast.
CHEERS to takin' your spatulas to the street. You know a labor movement is significant when even Fox News can't ignore it. Yesterday morning I was sitting in a dentist chair channel-surfing on the ceiling TV, and there it was---an actual bias-neutral report on the fast food workers' strikes in
150 cities. There were many arrests for civil disobedience, and that increased the overall media coverage. ("If the guys who make fries are restrained in zip-ties…") As a former burger flipper under the golden arches (and the fastest Quarter Pounder dresser in New England, according a reliable source known as me), I think what they did yesterday was great. Namely, prevent millions of Americans from eating fast food for an entire day.
Carpenters Hall grand opening: 1773
CHEERS to the bestest convention evuh! On September 5, 1774, the First Continental Congress
assembled at Carpenters' Hall in Philadelphia:
It was held because the colonists were very upset about the Intolerable Acts and the taxes. The Intolerable Acts were punishments that King George III put on the colonies. He put them on so the colonists would feel sorry about dumping tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party.
Of course, the opposite happened. We got royally pissed, revolted, formed our own country, and then thrived and prospered until we started coming apart at the seams thanks to the efforts of the...Tea Party. George, you sneaky bastard.
CHEERS to justice by the bushel. Holy moley, what a week for sensible rulings---most of them yesterday---from benches around the country. The decisions fell like freakin' confetti:
The 7th Circuit Court ruled that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry in Indiana and Wisconsin.
A federal district judge in Louisiana ruled that BP, Transocean and Halliburton were reckless and/or negligent in their work on the Gulf of Mexico oil rig explosion that killed 11 workers and spewed oil all over the place for months. (BP got hit hardest, and when investors heard about the $18 billion fine, their stock sank like a dispersant–tainted tarball.)
Sorry, McDonnells. No more
free Ferrari rides for you.
A federal district judge ruled against a part of the ridiculously restrictive anti-abortion-clinic law in Texas. At least one clinic has already opened back up.
A ruling in the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals means an attempt to go all death-panely on the Affordable Care Act subsidies just got a lot more difficult.
A federal district judge restored early-voting rights in Ohio
A jury in Virginia found former family-values Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife GUILTY on multiple counts of corruption. Remember, this is the guy who was personally anointed the squeaky-clean Christian savior of the republic by Pat Robertson and, by extension, God himself. Not surprisingly, neither had any comment.
In the distance, a bead of sweat formed on Rick Perry's forehead.
CHEERS to winning a war on terrorism. On September 5, 1996, Muslim extremist Ramzi Yousef and two other thugs who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing (and planned to blow up some U.S. airliners), were sent to tiny, windowless cells for the rest of eternity. But...but...how could that be? I mean, using law-enforcement to crack the case and arrest the evildoers instead of using bunker busters and declaring World War III and opening a gulag at Gitmo for enemy combatants? I gotta lie down...this is blowing my tiny chickenhawk mind.
Now on DVD
CHEERS to home vegetation. Now that September is here and Maine is snowed in until next June (35 inches last night alone!), the TV is in complete control of our lives. The big news this weekend is that we can start adding
the NFL schedule to our Friday C&J lineup again. (The already Super Bowl-bound Patriots will "flipper" the Dolphins into the loser column Sunday Ha Ha Ha!) The major league baseball games
are here. (If it's any consolation, the Red Sox farm club, the
Portland Sea Dogs, are kicking ass this year and poised to win some hardware.) New
DVD releases include Kevin Costner's
Draft Day and the documentary
Citizen Koch. On
Bill Moyers & Company: Senator Elizabeth Warren. But the best news this weekend is the return of John Oliver Sunday night on HBO's
Last Week Tonight.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: President Obama grants new host Chuck Todd an interview so there will be some decent footage for Todd's farewell highlights reel next year when he's replaced by a vacuum cleaner infomercial.
Teaches Bob Schieffer how
to walk on water Sunday.
This Week: Powerhouse roundtable with an unknown slate of Obama shamers.
Face the Nation: Creamy McDreamy Florida Senator and world-record-holding bottled water snatcher Marco Rubio; war criminal Henry Kissinger; midterm stuff with Anthony Salvanto (CBS) and David Leonhardt (NYT); Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-MD) on how many times per day Congress wants us to pee our pants with fear over ISIS; Obama-shaming roundtable with Peggy Noonan, David Ignatius and Peter Baker.
CNN's State of the Union: No idea. They don’t like to update their website until after I post because I hurt their fee-fees. Suffice it to say they've booked a solid slate of Obama shamers.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mitt Romney continues his sour grapes tour; chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee Rep Michael McCaul (R-TX) and chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Bob Menendez (D-NJ); Obama shaming roundtable with Brit Hume, Julie Pace, Bob Woodward and George Will.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: September 5, 2009
JEERS to Tom Ridge. Last week's bombshell from the former Homeland Security director: "My superiors politicized the terror threat system to help swing the 2004 election results!" This week's walkback: "Whoops! Ha Ha! So sorry for letting the truth spill out. Er, did I say truth? I meant lies! I'm a big fat liar and I was drunk at the time. It won’t happen again, I promise. Um, Mr. Rumsfeld...can I still come to your barbeques? Please?" You could set your watch by these guys.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Space...the final frontier. Forty-eight years ago tomorrow, the first episode of Star Trek---"Wagon Train to the Stars" as Gene Roddenberry called it---aired on NBC. It was regularly beaten in its time slot, and placed 52nd among all series in 1966-1967, its best season. Today its message resonates as loud as ever:
1976: The original cast with Gene
Roddenberry at the dedication
of the Space Shuttle "Enterprise."
[I]t had a crew that said discrimination was a thing of past; it had a future that said we were not all annihilated by nuclear holocaust; it had an economy that was driven by progress and achievement, not simple wealth accumulation; it had science as a guiding force, not mysticism or superstition; it had technology as a means to explore, not just make life easier; and, perhaps most importantly, it had a peaceful mission at its core, not one of conquest.
The show screamed peace in a time of war.
The original cast is like a who's who of role models: George Takei, Nichelle Nichols, James Doohan, DeForrest Kelley, Leonard Nimoy and, yeah, even Shatner (whose twitter feed is pure gold). And by the way, Portland Maine has its own unique connection to
Star Trek: the starship
U.S.S. Enterprise is named after a 19th century U.S. warship that
engaged and destroyed a British vessel 201 years ago today off our coast. The captains---both killed during the battle---are buried side-by-side in Portland. Ironically, neither lived long and prospered. They shoulda known to set their cannons on 'stun.
Have a great weekend exploring strange new worlds. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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