All across America this morning, various noisy crackpots, cranks and right-wing lunatics are sobbing brokenly into their oatmeal as new DNA evidence apparently identifies the 19th century serial-killer Jack The Ripper to be someone who isn't President Barack Obama...probably.
According to The Daily Mail (the UK's vilest rag), a Ripper-obsessive has 'unmasked' the 'real' Ripper using DNA blahblahblah (insert implausible crapola here) and the winner is...a Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminski. Or probably not.
So far, candidates have included Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence, painter Walter Sickert, Lewis Carroll (yes, that Lewis Carroll), Dr Thomas Neill Cream, “Dr” Francis Tumblety, Thomas Cutbush, Sir William Withey Gull, George Chapman, Montague John Druitt and Curly from The Three Stooges.
OK, I made that last one up just to see if you're paying attention.
But take heart, RWNJs of America! All is not lost (yes, it is-Ed.). President Obama's Stonehenge visit may blow this whole megillah wide open!(no, it won't-Ed.)
As you probably know, Stonehenge is the nexus of many occult forces. It is a place where, uniquely, the fabric of space/time is fragile and may be penetrated by an adept or an intergalactic space-lizard, and President Obama is certainly one or the other. How else did he get so many people to vote for him? Twice? Do the math, sheeple.
From Stonehenge, it is entirely plausible (no, it's not-Ed.) that Obama traveled back to Victorian London to commit these horrendous crimes and was back in time for a photoshoot in his tan suit!
Obviously, you RWNJs will need to provide some evidence of this, but how hard can that be? I'll bet the Koch brothers will come across with a grant: God knows, they seem to enjoy throwing their money away on really dumb stuff.
Get on it, patriots! Inpeachment is just a tear in the fabric of space/time away!