President Chelsea Clinton to announce "full-out assault" against terror group Shabib ala Mode
(WASHINGTON, September 10, 2037) President Chelsea Clinton will appear holographically in living rooms across America this evening to outline her plan to "degrade and destroy" Islamic fundamentalist terror group, Shabib ala Mode.
"I think the President is prepared to offer a detailed strategy that will significantly degrade, and ultimately destroy, Shabib ala Mode," said presidential spokesperson, Tiffany Trump. "The President will make clear that the United States will not stand idly by while this group of Hitler-like terrorists lays waste to countries in the Middle East, threatens American citizens, and, god forbid, lands their terrorism on our shores, which are much further inland than they used to be thanks to climate change."
Shabib ala Mode is the most recent incarnation of the terrorist group, Akbar al Tesla, which was the primary Islamic fundamentalist fighting force facing American troops in what was once Iraq after President Meghan McCain placed American troops back in that country in 2029. After six years of fighting, President Chelsea Clinton withdrew American forces from what was formerly Iraq in late 2035.
According to sources close to Shabib ala Mode leaders, the group has already picked out its next name, once the fear-mongering generated by the Shabib ala Mode name wanes.
"We'll be rebranding ourselves Wazira fa Poopee," the Shabib alal Mode leader said. "We can keep this shit going for another 10 or 20 years, easy. We say, 'Jump!' and the Great Satan says, 'How high?'"
President Clinton's strategy will likely include robot warriors on the ground as well a full complement of "missile rain" on suspected Shabib ala Mode positions.
"The only U.S. humans who will touch the ground over there will be the folks from Starbucks and McDonald's opening new satellite locations," said Trump, in advance of the president's presentation. "We're spreading the gospel of salt and sugar to the rest of the world."