LIVING Through the End
September 2014
The Past is set in stone; the Future is unknown
I will live here—in the gift of the Present. ~ Me
This is going to be an interactive essay. Yes, Dear Reader, this means you will be asked to participate rather than just observing my thoughts. I’ll go first so you can get the idea of this activity.
Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7:30-8:30 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.
It is Monday, at 10:28 am. Right now, the sky is overcast, there’s a small breeze moving the curtains. The ceiling fan is moving slowly on low and making an almost imperceptible sound. My left hand itches just above my middle knuckle. I’m sitting at my computer desk in a comfortable chair. My oxygen buddy is puffing oxygen into my nose with every breath. When I forget to breathe, I notice the silence and breathe again. My back feels a little sore but it’s not hurting. My breakfast is almost finished digesting and I don’t have heartburn.
At this very moment, I have not one single thing happening or anything to worry about. I’m doing my favorite activity, putting thoughts on paper, using words to connect to strangers and perhaps create friends and fellow travelers along life’s path. Today, I am not going to die of cancer. My bodily functions are on auto pilot and I don’t have to tend them. My daughter has a doctor’s appointment to discuss and treat her serious chest congestion so I don’t have to worry about that any more.
The breeze from the window is cool and my right leg feels chilled. If that continues I can easily reach the throw on the foot of my bed to cover my legs. I love the cool fresh air to clear out my stuffy room from last night. I’m so grateful that I found this room in this assisted living facility. The experience of living here in this moment in time is totally positive and I am smiling because I’m so relaxed and content. End of Example.
OK, so what I was doing was noticing every detail in the here and now. When I had a negative thought, such as worry about my daughter, I realized that the appointment is set and there was nothing else until then. If I allow myself to wander into the future, where I have terminal cancer and so many questions about how my life will end, I come back to the present moment, where I am not dying today.
I am breathing, I have enough oxygen, I have no pain, and even my bad knee doesn't hurt right now. I found myself taking deeper, slower breaths which relaxed my back muscles even more. I felt the weight of various worries lift as I realized that right now, this very moment, nothing was happening in any of the various family concerns. There was nothing left unworried-about, what a relief.
Even if we are in a hospital waiting room, if we are thinking about what happened, or wondering if someone will be all right we are in the past or the future, not in the present moment. In such a situation we can raise our awareness of our current surroundings: notice and name colors in the room, sounds, temperature, and if we are very anxious we can concentrate on our breathing. We can count our breaths: in one, out two, in three, out four and so on to ten, then back to one. We can concentrate and take slower and deeper breaths. More oxygen is soothing.
Perhaps you think you are calm and in control, but I can almost guarantee that you are not in the present moment, because to be in the past or the future is a natural human condition. Nevertheless, we enrich our lives when we step into the here and now. Now you try it. The present really is a Gift.