From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Memo
To: All U.S. Citizens
From: The Office of Senator Lindsey Graham
RE: Thursday's List of Things That Will Get Us All Killed
Status: Urgent
Dear Citizen,
The following are the threats to your Homeland community for September 18, 2014:
ISIS amphibious vehicles driving down your street
Ebola
Illegals
Illegals with ebola
Benghazi
Illegals from Benghazi with ebola in ISIS amphibious vehicles
Obamacare death panels
Parents talking to their children positively about gays
Gays conspiring with ISIS and illegals to expand Obamacare death panels
Scottish independence
Unregulated vaginas
Blacks and Hispanics making a note to vote in November
Creeping Marxism
Creeping George Soros
Shadows that chillingly resemble your own
Planned Parenthood
Genetically-engineered Lizard-Elizabeth Warren hybrids
Whatever's on Rep. Louie Gohmert's and Rep. Steve Kings' lists for today
Thursdays in general
And, as always, our so-called president and his simultaneous display of unstoppable dictatorial strong-arm tyranny and breathtaking lead-from-behind weakness.
For specifics on these and other threats that will get us all killed if we don’t deploy a minimum of 100,000 troops to Iraq, please tune in to Fox News. If you see any suspicious activity not having to do with police officers shooting unarmed citizens with their hands in the air or NFL players assaulting their wives and children, report it to the proper authorities and then take refuge in the arms of the nearest southern colonel. It's going to be a double diaper day, I fear.
Catatonically Yours,
Lindsey
Cheers and Jeers trembles below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 18, 2014
Note: For your protection, C&J has rented a SWAT team to spray you with tear gas, knock you down with rubber bullets, tase you and beat you with courtesy clubs before taking you into custody on charges that will later be dropped. Please remember to buckle your seat belt when you're taken downtown in the armored personnel carrier. Your safety is our #1 concern. ---Mgt.
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Tolv days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections:
47
Days 'til the "pure Scandimonium" of
Norsk Hostfest in Minot, North Dakota:
12
Average corn yield this year, "by far" the largest harvest ever:
172 bushels per acre
(Source: USDA)
Percent of Syrians who have abandoned their homes because of the civil war:
50%
(Source: U.N. via Reuters)
Percent chance that scientists have confirmed for the first time in 35 years that the ozone layer is
making a comeback:
100%
Estimated number of extra skin cancer cases there would've been without the 1987 treaty to limit CFCs:
2 million
(Source: U.N. scientific panel)
Weight of Indian holy man Avtar Singh Mauni's
turbin, which measures 2,115 feet unwrapped:
100 pounds
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
I am indebted to the wonderful Will Durst for this delicious piece of news. The House cut $174,000 from the budget of the National Science Foundation as a punishment for its having underwritten a study on why civic leaders choose not to run for Congress. Rep. William Clay of Missouri was particularly incensed over this prodigal waste of taxpayers' money, observing, "If there's one thing we do not need in this country, it's more people running for Congress." He also said the study is "an affront to every member of this Congress because these two professors start with the premise that we are not getting the best-qualified people to serve in Congress."
How dare they? What kind of premise is that?
---September, 1997
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Nova Scotia, a happy reunion…
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CHEERS to the giant throbbing bad-guy-nabbing machine. You know why I'm not worried about ISIS "spilling over our borders" to kill us all? Because, see, back when al Qaeda did their Very Bad Thing to us, we created this gigantic monolith called the Department of Homeland Security. And their job---besides horning in on all of your and my personal communications and porn-watching habits---is to do things like this:
And another thing: your
restaurant was terrible.
A New York man who was arrested in May was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday for allegedly trying to aid the terrorist group Islamic State and planning to kill returning U.S. soldiers. … Federal authorities accused Elfgeeh, a U.S. citizen, of trying to help three people - two of whom are FBI informants - get to Syria in order to fight on behalf of Islamic State, the news release said.
See? Your tax dollars sometimes really
are hard at work. Oh, and before I forget, I have an important message for C&J's designated NSA snooper Bart: the German chocolate cake recipe I emailed to my dessert group that you intercepted had an error. It's two
teaspoons of weed, not two bricks. Please make a note of it when you come down off the ceiling.
CHEERS and JEERS to moolah matters. I admit I don’t know a portfolio thingamabob or a fiduciary whirligig from a hole in the ground, so I rely on headlines to keep me just informed enough on how things are going economically to keep me from panicking and fleeing to my secret underwater safe room. (Pay no attention to that hatch in our basement floor---it leads to nowhere, I tell you!) And, truth be told, the news appears to be on the not-sucky side for a change:
Meanwhile, Scotland may
kiss this goodbye today.
> U.S. consumer prices drop for the first time in a year
> Homebuilder confidence rises
> Retail sales rose broadly in August
> Strong holiday hiring expected this year
> U.S. poverty rate drops for first time since 2006
> 4 million fewer uninsured as Americans gain insurance under Obamacare
> Russian billionaire's arrest causes his company's stock to plunge
> U.S. stocks set new record
> iPhone 6 and 6 Plus break pre-order record
> Fewer students trapped by credit card debt
Oh, and also this: thanks to Governor Paul LePage's tireless efforts to flood Maine with new jobs,
Lincoln Logs will now be built here, bringing with them…5 to 10 jobs. Attaboy!
CHEERS to #1. Sixty-six years ago, on September 18, 1948,
Margaret Chase Smith from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE became the first woman elected to the United States Senate---without completing a term started by another senator---when she beat Democrat Adrian Scolten. (Her campaign slogan was a bit clunky: "My Sentiments Are With Margaret Chase Smith.") It also made her the first woman to be both a U.S. representative and senator, and in 1964 she became the first woman to have her name placed in
nomination for president. She came in second. Slacker.
JEERS to the ever-moving NFL morality goalposts. Minnesota Viking Adrien Peterson, who beat his child with a switch to the point of bloodshed, has been re-suspended from his un-suspension from his suspension. Should he be re-unsuspended from his re-suspension from his unsuspension from his suspension, we'll be sure to let you know. Probably by diagram.
CHEERS to rollin', rollin', rollin'. There's a handful of states that won’t let Tesla Motors sell its nifty electric cars directly to the customer because the traditional car dealerships---and their pet politicians---are afraid consumers might prefer buying their vehicles that way instead of getting hammered by desperate, slimy salesmen. But that may be changing, thanks to a Massachusetts ruling this week that could knock the dealerships off their pedestals:
Sweet.
The state's Supreme Judicial Court unanimously concluded that the Massachusetts State Automobile Dealers Association and two dealers lacked standing to block direct Tesla sales under a state law designed to protect franchise owners from abuses by car manufacturers. … "It's a great decision," [Tesla lawyer Todd] Maron said. "The statute is very similar to statutes in other states. We have battles in New Jersey and other states [AZ, TX, MD] with similar constructs, and we hope and expect the same interpretation would carry over to those venues."
Free-market capitalism. Turns out it's a thing.
Beep beep!
CHEERS to notable promotions. On September 18 in the year 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians believe Constantine had a bad case of the flu at the time. When asked out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: "101, Dalmatius."
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Five years ago in C&J: September 18, 2009
Heckuva legacy.
CHEERS to George W. Bush's very, very, very bad week. Well, let's take them in order, shall we? First, President Obama is basically scrapping Bush's European missile defense "shield" in favor of a leaner, meaner, faster-acting missile grid. Second, Obama's EPA, paying attention to actual science, is moving to roll back wimpy Bush-era smog pollution standards and make them stricter. Third, Obama is replacing Bush's Committee on Ocean Policy with a beefier National Ocean Council. And last but not least, the Census Bureau
drives a stake through any hope of a positive domestic legacy for #43:
On every major measurement, the Census Bureau report shows that the country lost ground during Bush’s two terms. While Bush was in office, the median household income declined, poverty increased, childhood poverty increased even more, and the number of Americans without health insurance spiked.
Nietzsche said, "What does not destroy me makes me stronger." I guess that explains why, after eight years of Bush, I can go outside anytime I want and bench press a Buick.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to auction paddles jus' a' flippin' and a' flappin'. The annual Netroots Nation fall auction is now into day three, and you can check out the goods here. As always, there's something for everyone---a NN 14 program autographed by Elizabeth Warren, a nice wall display of Harvey Milk stamps, a five-night stay in a studio apartment in Tokyo, some nice-looking jewelry, and more. If you plan to go to Phoenix next year, you should bid on one or more of the backstage passes. As Kossack Vicki can attest, you may just end up meeting someone back there who thinks you're a BFD:
Proceeds go to fund the annual NN convention and the New Media Mentors project.
Please bid responsibly. With a drink in your hand.
Have a nice Thursday. Please pray for Scotland. They seem to have gone schlumpnutty ever since The Donald turned his back on them. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Though it looked for a while as if Tom Hiddleston would be the new Ben-Hur, he is now headed in a different direction as was revealed yesterday. Nope, the man looking to fill a role once assayed by Charlton Heston is Bill in Portland Maine.
---Empire Online
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