It's The Marti's birthday today and I wanted to give the Pootie Princess a proper party. So we'll need lots of Scotch and ice cream and firemen.
Happy birthday, Marti. You never cease to make me laugh and your positive energy is needed around these parts. Enjoy your day.
Now let's make fun of some current events.
Scotland is definitely gonna tell England all the shit we talked when it looked like they were splitting up.
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
The US population has increased by 66% in the last 40 years, yet the number of shopping malls in the U.S. has increased by 1200%.
Fox News is like a Saturday Night Live sketch making fun of Fox News.