From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
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It's Banned Books Week and you've just found out that your book series tops the "Most Challenged" list for the second year in a row. What will you do...what WILL you do???
If you're Dav Pilkey, creator of Captain Underpants, you literally draw your critics a picture---several, actually---and patiently suggest how mature grownups can respond to books they're not fans of without insisting they be yanked off the shelves outright. This is one class act:
And just to terminate the suspense, the rest of the top five "most challenged" books are: The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie, Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James and The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I once thought about banning Ann Coulter's books from our house. But I would hate to give up the best doorstops we've ever had.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 26, 2014
Note: Today is Friday the 26th, which is like a double-strength Friday the 13th. So far I've made it through six cans of the Dinty Moore beef stew in my undisclosed emergency bunker. The carrots are mushy. But I'm alive. I'm alive!!!!!
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2015:
97
Days 'til
Oaktoberfest in Oakland:
8
Percent increase in new-home sales over the last year:
33%
Current median price for a new home, up 8 percent over the last year:
$275,600
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Drop in the federal prison population last year, the first decline since 1980:
4,800
(Source: Justice Dept.)
Minimum number of school police departments that procured free armored vehicles, grenade launchers, and other military gear as part of the Pentagon's surplus program:
26
(Source: AP)
Length of summer on Uranus:
21 years
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Friday Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 99 days, allowing her more time to spend with her idea of "the epitome of womanhood," Phyllis Schlafly. If there is a god, the conversations will be recorded and turned over to Bad Lip Reading.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A coyote who messed with the wrong dachshund-Chihuahua mix…
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Holder's obvious successor.
CHEERS to a decent run as America's top cop. The skies opened and the earth shook yesterday when rumors circulated, and then President Obama confirmed, that
Attorney General Eric Holder is stepping down. His record, as with most AG records, was mixed but I say he'll shake out on the positive side. From reducing mandatory-minimum drug sentences to strong post-DOMA-decision orders granting rights to married same-sex couples, to ordering investigations into police abuse and protecting voter rights, there's a lot he can point to that's good. Then again, no one is rotting in jail from either the Bush administration's war crimes or Wall Street's destruction of the economy, both of which we're still reeling from. At six years, Holder is one of our longest-serving AGs. The reason he lasted so long? He knows that thanks to a new irreversible rule imposed by John Ashcroft, all departing AGs have to call a press conference and sing
Let the Eagle Soar. All 18 verses. Plus the tap dancing with sparklers interlude.
I assume this means they pay
YOU 99 bucks to attend
this hate-filled crapfest.
CHEERS to the Craziest Show on Earth. Cruz! Beck! Perkins! Palin! Frothy Mix! Hilarity and hijinks are on the agenda this weekend as the
conservative rogues gallery reunites for their annual Values Voters Summit (motto: "Makin' shit up since Jesus rode the dinosaurs"), which they've carefully scheduled to take place in the "Real America," aka the "Heartland of Breadbasket Values" known as...Washington, DC. The primary goal of the summit, besides mega-grifting, is addressing the #1 evil facing America today: the human groin area. Here's a preview of what we can expect this year, based on the
1813 1913 2013 hootenanny:
> Boys Will Pretend To Be Transgender To Get Into The Girls’ Locker Room
> Matthew Shepard’s Murder Was A “Complete Fraud,” A Drug Deal Gone Bad
> Kids Are Brainwashed To Become Gays And Lesbians “Caught In A Powerful Web Of Deceit”
> Homophobia Is A Myth, Because People Who Oppose Stealing Aren’t “Kleptophobic”
The traditional media will give the hate fest tons of publicity, including breathless coverage of the presidential straw poll results. Last year's winner was Ted Cruz. Mainly because he was the only candidate standing next to the jar telling his followers not to eat the straws.
P.S. What do the male and female hookers in DC call the Values Voters Summiteers? Reliable customers but lousy tippers.
Least-threatening
Bond villain ever.
JEERS to close calls. On Monday, September 26, 1955, stocks dropped like a rock…the fastest rate since 1929. The numbers sound positively
quaint today:
The Dow Jones dropped 6.5%, 32 points, to 455, with a total paper loss of $14 billion, the largest ever.
Reason: Eisenhower's heart attack. Stocks quickly recovered, though, when the country realized he was
still the president. Or, to be perfectly accurate, when the country realized that Richard Nixon wasn't.
"I sure am gonna miss sitting
around here doing nothing
but collecting a paycheck."
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JEERS to today's edition of
Flat-Footed Incumbents Say the Darndest Things. Here's the setup: the entire GOP machine has, to its teeth-gritted frustration, been forced to rush a tidal wave of resources and surrogates to try and save Kansas Senator/Virginia resident Pat Roberts' bacon. One surrogate, establishment Republican Bob Dole, told a crowd that the government shutdown was terrible, while tea party Republican Sarah Palin told another crowd that the government shutdown was you-betcha awesome. So what did Pat Roberts say when a reporter asked him which of the two contradictory positions he supported?
"Both. How's that?" Brilliant, sir. Enjoy your retirement.
CHEERS to the new kid on America's block. On September 26, 1789, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America’s first Secretary of State. The most important instruction President Washington gave him: Don’t park in Adams' spot or he'll have your horse towed.
Simpsons meet Griffons Sunday.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I was 11 when
Saturday Night Live premiered, so I am a hopeless indoctrinee no matter how lame it may get sometimes. Tomorrow night Chris Pratt ("Guardians of the Galaxy," "Parks and Recreation") hosts the opener, but it just won't be quite the same without Don Pardo. Meanwhile tonight on HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher hangs out with John Feehery, Naomi Klein, Charles M. Blow, Alexandria Pelosi, and retired Gen. Anthony Zinni. New
DVD releases this week include the Guy Pearce post-apocalypse thriller
The Rover and the Seth Rogan comedy
Neighbors. In sports, Derek Jeter plays his last game---against the Red Sox, and Boston will make it memorable by losing 127-1 (nice HR, Papi). The rest of the baseball schedule
is here. Sunday night Fox airs the 26th season premiere of
The Simpsons at 8 (a beloved character dies!) and also the one-hour
Simpsons-Family Guy episode at 9. Then John Oliver wraps up the weekend on HBO's
Last Week Tonight by creating a major headache for another sacrosanct American institution as he exposes the moral rot behind its shiny veneer...with jokes!
On Bill Moyers & Company, foreign policy wonks Jonathan Landay and Matthew Hoh. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: I dunno, they haven't updated their stupid web site yet, but safe to assume 18 McCains and half a dozen Noonans.
Sunday on Fox: Maine's
"Mustache of Independence."
This Week: This Week: House Speaker John Boehner on how wonderful life is when you get 13 weeks of vacation for every two on the job; ABC News roundtable with Fox News host Laura Ingraham…let that sink in a moment…plus Rep. Keith Ellison, Matt Bai and Matt Dowd.
Face the Nation: Deputy National Security Adviser Tony Blinken; Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA); former Gen. Carter Ham, former Undersecretary of Defense for Policy Michèle Flournoy, and former deputy director of the CIA Mike Morell on Gulf War III; Peter Baker (NYT), Kim Strassel (WSJ), Michael Crowley (Time), concern troll Ruth Marcus (NYT) and failed neocon Michael "Wrong So Wrong" Gerson (WaPost).
CNN's State of the Union: Tony Blinken again (he apparently drew the short straw at the White House this week); Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT), former Joint Chiefs Chairman Richard Myers and former Undersecretary of State Nicholas Burns on Gulf war III; General Eric Holder. Ken Cuccinelli, Mercedes Schlapp, LZ Granderson, and Penny Lee (didn't she sing "Fever"?); Dr. Adam Levine and virus hunter Joseph Fair on the ebola situation.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator Angus King, independent from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE; (sen. john barrasso of wyoming); that blinkin' Tony Blinken again; crazy never-gonna-be-president Ben Barson roundtable with Brit Hume, Jane Harman, Charles Lane and George Will (who will again insist that global cooling is the real terror threat.).
Happy watching
Up! and
Melissa Harris-Perry instead.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 26, 2009
CHEERS and best wishes to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I just glanced at the story, but apparently she was pumping iron with Scalia and some of his sweat burned her skin. She's out of the hospital now and expected to make a full recovery. In lieu of cash, her doctors got a "Get Out of Malpractice Suit FREE" card.
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And just one more…
JEERS to shit that shows up in my inbox. Here's a fun little item that tunneled under my spam filter this week. It came from blathermouth Matt Barber's hate site "Barb Wire," which is like the Mini-Me to World Net Daily's Dr. Evil. It's perfect for anyone who wants to enjoy a refreshing beverage while simultaneously scaring the bejesus out of anyone situated directly beside them:
Be sure to ask about the sippy cup version when you order. Because it's never too early to start the young'uns on bulking up that trigger finger.
Have a great weekend---preferably nice and slow. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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