From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Fresh off the mimeograph machine:
This Week's RNC Motivational Action List
Sept. 29 - Oct. 5
Monday Take all the time you need to reflect on all the positive and worthwhile things you learned over the weekend from the Values Voters Summit. Spend the remaining 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds reviewing your Obama impeachment list.
Tuesday In the wake of fresh air strikes ordered by President Obama against ISIS targets in Iraq and Syria, today is a great day to reaffirm that you love air strikes but you hate that it's Obama ordering them. Clear your head of "stinkin' thinkin'" by picturing illegals being shipped back to Mexico in boxcars.
Recommended & Endorsed by Rush Limbaugh!
(And proud to be his sole remaining sponsor.)
Wednesday With that nip of fall in the air, today is a good day to write a letter to your local newspaper warning about the dangers of global cooling. Go ahead and make up your own facts---they'll print it anyway. This evening: tell your Benghazi Seething Class instructor to kick it up a notch!
Thursday Email all your Democrat family members, friends and acquaintances urging them to vote on November 5th. Then scratch an itch with your Glock, but don’t bother checking to see if the gun's unloaded because you're a responsible gun owner so how could it not be?
Friday Don't take no for an answer, give no for an answer. Then practice mansplaining lady parts in front of a mirror so you'll be ready to win hearts and hoo-hahs at upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings.
Weekend Join the March On Washington Against President Obama's Treasonous Act of Allowing Pabst Blue Ribbon to be Sold to the Russian Commies. But first have your Democrat neighbor spellcheck your signs.
All Week: Don’t bake a single thing for the gays.
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Have a great week! God Bless America and Money and Bombs!
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Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 29, 2014
Note: Due to a miscommunication, Glade "Tyranny-scented" air freshener was accidentally put into cans with Glade "Freedom-scented" air freshener labels, and vice-versa. We regret the mix-up, although we do find it strange that we received zero complaints. ---Mgt.
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11 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections:
36
Days 'til Maine's
Damariscotta Pumpkinfest & Regatta:
11
Approximate containment of California's King Wildfire:
74%
Estimated number of acres that have burned:
97,000
(Source:
The Sacramento Bee)
Percent of households making $250,000 or more who have received inheritances:
38%
Percent of households making $15,000 or less who have received inheritances:
17%
(Source: FiveThirtyEight.com)
High temperature in Portland, Maine on Saturday, blowing away the old 9/27 record of 80 in 1948:
84
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NEW! Your Monday Robin Williams Moment
"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"And what's George W. Bush doing now? He's a motivational speaker. It's kind of cool. It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor."
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Puppy Pic of the Day: It's Greek for "water healing"
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CHEERS to a big day in the U.S. of Gay! The Supreme Court---four impartial justices, three lunatics, one half-lunatic, and their sight-impaired Chief Justice "umpire"---will meet today to wade through all the gay-marriage cases that've been kicked upstairs by appeals courts. Then they'll decide if they want to take one (maybe more?) or kick 'em back downstairs:
If they choose not to hear the cases, the decision would allow gay nuptials in the ten states covered by the three lawsuits. The court could also wait for a circuit court to disagree with the others and support the state bans. The justice have until January 2015 to make their decision. …
“Because of the unprecedented speed at which the courts are almost unanimously striking down these laws, I think we are at a watershed moment in American history and everybody anticipates that this will be resolved by the Supreme Court,” noted Paul Castillo, counsel for Lambda Legal in the Indiana and Virginia marriage cases.
As usual, Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito will say no to everything up front and then meander over to the window to pluck the wings off of flies that got trapped in the room over the summer.
CHEERS to the Craziest Show on Earth! Hilarity and hijinks were on full display this weekend as the conservative outside–the-DC-beltway crowd got together for their annual Values Voters Summit in DC. This year's pea-brained winner in the 2016 Get Crushed By Hillary straw poll, for the second year in a row, was Senator Rafael Cruz (R-TX). Cruz happily accepted the poll results, and vowed to start fine-tuning the most fearsome weapon he'll have in the debates against his Democratic opponent: binders full of commies.
JEERS to Black Monday. Let's not forget how scary things got six years ago. From the C&J time machine, this was our reaction to the Great Bush Wall Street Crash of 2008:
A very unlucky number.
HOLY SHIT! to September 29, 2008. I always thought when something stopped at "777" it meant we won something. Yesterday it meant America lost 777 points on Wall Street and $1.1 trillion in market value in seven hours. So what to do? For me, it's baby steps. Really, really easy stuff I can do without thinking: 1) Feed cat. 2) Put on socks. 3) Remove cat food from feet. 4) Remove sock from cat's head. Okay, so maybe I'll just sit quietly and grind my teeth for awhile.
I remember feeling actual terror that day and several days after. al Qaeda had nothing to do with it. This time it was Goldman Sachs, AIG, Moody's, Standard & Poor etc., their toxic assets of mass destruction, and a government that deliberately looked the other way. I fear them a thousand times more than I ever feared the cave dwellers. Because George W. Bush was right about one thing: oceans can't protect us---from our own greedy-ass selves.
CHEERS to Mr. Blink-and-You'll-Miss-Him. "It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Super Dennis Kimetto!" The Kenyan marathoner, who's 30 and that ain't no spring chicken, set a record yesterday in Berlin: 26.2 miles in 2 hours 2 minutes and 57seconds. Or as I like to call it: no idea what that means.
"Can you hear me now, USSR?
Good."
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CHEERS to the great troublemakers.
Lech Walesa, electrician, founder of the anti-Communist Solidarity Union, President of Poland, and Nobel Peace Prize winner turns 71 today. My memory of his most rebellious time---the late 70s and early 80s---is kinda grainy, but I do remember how I felt back then, living in Germany as I was and occasionally visiting East Berlin as part of a school or family trip, and feeling the oppressiveness of the Soviet influence over everything. So when I saw what Walesa was doing, I felt like,
Wow, that is one gutsy electrician. Despite his endorsement in 2012 of Mitt Romney and his anti-abortion, anti-gay (read: staunch Catholic) views, whenever I hear his name, that's still what I think---one gutsy electrician. In his honor, today: no light bulb-changing jokes.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 29, 2009
CHEERS to [yawn] just another day on the terrorism beat. I can't keep track of all the terrorist plots that the Obama administration has thwarted (three last week?), but it sure is nice seeing law enforcement working calmly and coolly to scoop up the suspects once they've observed them long enough to have a provable case. The color-coded threat level hasn’t budged, there haven’t been any strident "You're either with us or against us" speeches by the Vice President, and to my knowledge we have no plans to invade a country that had nothing to do with the plots. John Cole at Balloon Juice takes note of how quietly efficient it all seems:
These seem to me to be success stories, and real threats (unlike that one group of clowns in Queens a couple months ago). I also like how they are sort of taking it in stride and not having big, showy press conferences with Eric Holder trying to scare the shit out of us.
Yeah. That's Wall Street's job now.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the li'l Bubbette. Over the weekend Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a bouncing baby daughter, Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky:
She's now resting comfortably in the hospital and will be released soon. During the delivery, helpful Grandpa Bill Clinton said "I feel your pain" a little too close to Chelsea's clenched fist during a particularly nasty contraction. So now he's also resting comfortably in the hospital and will be released soon.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Michele Bachmann seems so disillusioned she’s got only one word for Cheers and Jeers: “Boring.”
---Michelangelo Signorile
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