In an unprecedented announcement President Obama today announced from the White House that he was leaving the Democratic Party and joining the Republican Party. President Obama said:
“Since the major health care policies, economic policies, and defense policies are all based on prior Republican policies, I am following the next logical course and am announcing that I am breaking my ties to the Democrat Party and am joining the Republican Party. The Affordable Care Act, called by some Obamacare, was based on plans developed initially by the Republican-led Heritage Foundation and successfully implemented by Republican Governor of Massachusetts, and now fellow Republican, Mitt Romney. My economic policies are based on bailing out and protecting big business, as initiated during the Great Recession, with government loans and lenient tax policies. My defense policy is a continuation of the policy of providing extensive military support, equipment, and advisors and troops to the Middle East as well as maintaining a determined and robust military posture with our bombing campaign. These were all policies developed and supported by Republicans, particularly in the previous administration, which I have supported and continue to support. In fact to further demonstrate my solidarity with the Republican Party I am also announcing that I have now become a life-time member of the National Rifle Association.”
Continue below the fold to read reactions to this “news”.
Word of this surprising, or to some not-so-surprising, announcement hit Washington like a bombshell. Many Democrats were surprisingly sanguine, but for the first time in his political career Vice President Joe Biden was rendered totally speechless. However, this news rocked the Republican community. In the media, Fox News executives Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes were both taken by ambulance to local hospitals after suffering what was reported by Fox News to be minor heart attacks. Without upper management direction for the daily message at Fox News, Fox News commenters were rendered silent. Eric Bolling and the Fox and Friends triplets were left to stare at the camera mumbling banalities. Sean Hannity was left mouthing “… but, but, but, …”. Bill O’Reilly had to be taken to the emergency room with a concussion after he had momentarily lost consciousness, fell off his pedestal, and hit his head on the hard floor of reality. A spokesman later reported that Mr. O’Reilly’s concussion was minor but that Mr. O’Reilly would be leaving Fox News to work full time on his new book “Killing the Republican Party”. Fox News then went to black with a scroll indicating that they would hopefully return shortly. And the always semi-catatonic conservative commenter Charles Krauthammer descended into full catatonia—in fact, some thought that Mr. Krauthammer had died until they noticed a slow blink of his eyes and a thin stream of drool dribbling out of the corner of his mouth.
Among Republican politicians, Arizona Senator and Sunday TV personality John McCain was reported to be repeating to himself “Bomb, bomb, bomb…”, while his good friend and fellow Senator Lindsey Graham had to be physically carried to his fainting couch. When questioned about President Obama’s change of Party at a scheduled campaign event Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seemed to retreat into his shell and simply returned a wordless, vacant and glassy stare. Speaker of the House John Boehner was finally found in a Cincinnati, Ohio bar openly sobbing where instead of his usual glass of red wine he was swigging Templeton Rye directly from the bottle. When former President George W. Bush was asked at his Dallas home about this news, he replied “What news? Why don’t you fellers come on in and I’ll show y’all the new painting I just did of my toes.” Sarah Palin was asked her reaction but her answer couldn’t be heard above the din of the fight that had broken out among her family at home.
Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus also gave a statement where he said:
“For Barack Hussein Obama to declare that he is now a Republican is a disaster for the Republican Party and the American people. I don’t know how the Republican Party as it currently stands can survive this. Already there is talk among the various Conservative, Neo-Conservative, Big Business, Libertarian, and Tea Party wings of the Republican Party about forming an independent party or parties. And now I’ve got to defend Obama in addition to all the other idiots in this Party. Well you can just take this job and shove it. I need another martini.”
Although the effect of this news on voter polling was still preliminary, early polls seemed to indicate that this announcement may in fact have a unifying and energizing effect on Democratic voters. Among the Democratic Senate incumbents facing reelection, early polls put the numbers for all of them for the first time above 60%. The effect of this news on Republican voters however seemed to indicate hints of confusion, disorganization, and demoralization. Senate Republicans incumbents facing reelection saw their polling numbers all drop to below 50%. Among Republican voters polled there were typical comments like:
“I would never vote for a Democrat, but if Obama is now a Republican I don’t know if I can vote Republican either. I may just sit this election out.”
and
“There ain’t no way I’m ever voting for that SOB Obama or any SOB Party of that SOB Obama.”
and
“Obama an NRA member! I’ll be damned. What the hell use are all my guns now since we’re not supposed to shoot fellow NRA members.”
Now the effect of this news on the 2016 elections is also very uncertain. This reporter personally went to the home of Former President Bill Clinton and Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in New York to get Secretary Clinton’s reaction to this news. After a delay a spokeswoman for Secretary Clinton appeared and reported that Mrs. Clinton had no statement at this time. However, this reporter could distinctly hear the pop of champagne corks inside the Clinton home along with cheering, singing, and dancing to the music of Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy”.