From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Deed is Done
Yesterday, at exactly 1:25pm, I performed a dazzlingly-choreographed one-man Bollywood dance number up the 322 steps to Portland City Hall. Then, with the assistance of three helpful octogenarians (Gladys, Penny and Pearl. Hello, ladies! Here's the shout-out I promised!) I opened the gigantic oak doors, attached Swiffer sheets to my shoes, and took a running slide down the marble floor to Room 203.
To cut printing costs, this is the
actual size of the Maine ballot.
Billeh the Manchild came to early vote and he would not be denied.
It was easy! First I confirmed my name and address (they're written down on the tag inside my mittens) with the clerk and got my ballot. Then I walked around and tapped all the other voters in the room on the head while shouting "Duck… Duck… Duck… GOOSE!" The killjoy who ended up being the goose just glared at me so I retreated to my little kiosk to vote and mourn the death of frivolity among the unwashed masses.
Who did I vote for? Mike Michaud for governor, Shenna Bellows for Senator, and Chellie Pingree for Congress from Maine's 1st District. I voted for all the bonds on the ballot, because Mr. Roosevelt says that's how we're going to defeat Hitler. And I voted to arm bears because I believe it's about time humans in Elmer Fudd suits got a taste of their own buckshot.
After slipping my marked-up ballot into the giant throbbing Bin-O-Democracy and slapping twenty "I VOTED" stickers on my fanny, I completed my civic duty the usual way, by sliding down to the other end of the hall on my Swiffer pads and stealing the mayor's stapler. (Once again, sir, your little chain was no match for my bolt cutters.)
Vote. It makes you awesome.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Note: Due to a pixel jam, today's note is closed for repairs. ---Mgt.
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving:
30
Days 'til
Harvest Fest in Savannah, Georgia:
10
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who believe top earners should pay into Social Security based on all income, not just the first $117,700:
92%, 70%
(Source: National Academy of Social Insurance)
Percent of Americans who believe the 2003-2011 Iraq War made us safer:
14%
(Source:
The Week)
Percent chance the Iraq War was launched by the Bush-Cheney White House to make us safer:
0%
Altitude from which
Alan Eustace went skydiving, beating Felix Baumgartner's record of 128,100 feet:
135,890
Speed at which Eustace fell before deploying his chute:
822mph
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The parasite of Islam has finally finished converting Rand Paul's brain to the mush of the really stupid. Don't even bother running for President cause all you'll get are the Libertarian votes, and even those I wouldn't count on if I was you, Rand. Don't waste our time and your cash Rand just stay in the Senate or go the heck home.
---Commenter SgtSnuff at Breitbart.com
All together now: 1…2…3…
GOP infighting rocks!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The Life of Riley
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"B'Bye, Helmand Province."
CHEERS to gettin' outta Dodge. Guess what you won’t find anymore in Hellman's Mayonnaise Province in Afghanistan?
American troops, that's what. As part of our drawdown, they've officially skedaddled with honor, leaving the Afghan army to fight their own spitting matches with the Taliban from the 1,600-acre military base we built in '08. This is part of the redeployment that will remove all but 10,000 troops (admittedly, a not-insignificant number) from the country by year's end. Among the items left behind at Camp Leatherneck: light vehicles, the leftover tater-tots in the freezer, and a farewell note: "So long and thanks for all the rubble."
JEERS to GOP vs. reality. Let's review: here are top threats to the health of Americans, according to the Republican party's latest ad:
1. ISIS
2. Ebola
3. Guantanamo detainees
Now here are the top threats to the health of Americans, according to the actual threats that are actually
threatening Americans' health:
1. Heart disease and cancer
2. Traffic accidents
3. Americans shooting each other and/or themselves
Ironically, the current #1 health threat to the Republican base is having a heart attack after getting in a traffic accident while loading their guns in response to hearing their own ads about the threats of ISIS, ebola and Guantanamo detainees.
CHEERS to level-headed leadership. I hope Governor Charlie Crist's centrist-Democrat (formerly moderate Republican) views and populist streak will prove formidable enough to send the odious Rick Scott slithering back to his private-sector den of vipers next week. And here's one reason why: this was the big breaking news story in Florida six years ago today...
Crist: friend of voter rights.
Governor Charlie Crist today signed Executive Order 08-217, extending the hours for early voting during the current General Election. Effective immediately, early voting sites will be open from 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., through Friday, October 31, 2008, and for a total of 12 hours between 7:00 a.m. on Saturday, November 1, and 7:00 p.m. on Sunday, November 2, 2008.
“I have spoken with the Secretary of State and members of the Florida Legislature and have concluded that it is always the right thing to do to give voters every opportunity to cast a ballot,” Governor Crist said. “I have a responsibility to the voters of our state to ensure that the maximum number of citizens can participate in the electoral process, and that every person can exercise the right to vote.”
The GOP base was furious, so naturally Rick Scott
slammed the brakes on early voting in 2012. All that did was piss off voters and, bless 'em, they stood in those awful lines anyway to make their voices heard, and Obama clobbered Romney. If elected again, Governor Crist will restore early voting. Because it's okay to be angry about the candidates and issues that influence your vote, but you should never have to be angry about the voting process itself. Here endeth the lesson.
CHEERS to an early Christmas present for Senator Mark Pryor. A very popular ballot measure initiative in Arkansas has survived judicial scrutiny:
Arkansas voters will oblige on Nov. 4th.
Arkansas' highest court ruled Monday that a proposal to gradually raise the state's minimum wage can remain on the November ballot. The Arkansas Supreme Court denied a Little Rock businessman's effort to block a ballot question that will ask voters to raise the state's minimum hourly wage from $6.25 to $8.50 by 2017. Arkansas is one of the few states with a minimum wage below the federal level of $7.25 an hour. […]
Democratic U.S. Sen. Mark Pryor and gubernatorial nominee Mike Ross…endorsed the measure earlier this year, and the state [Democratic] party adopted the increase as part of its platform.
It's excellent news for Democrats and minimum-wage employees. Not necessarily in that order.
Correct pronunciation:
"Haaaaaaaaavuhd."
CHEERS to the alma mater of our glorious overlords. On this date in 1636,
Harvard University---whose endowment is now worth a mere $36 billion---was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts "by vote of the Great and General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and was named for its first benefactor, John Harvard of Charlestown." Very good Presidents Franklin Roosevelt and Barack Obama went to Harvard. So did very bad Presidents John Adams and George W. Bush. Very good Senator Al Franken went to Harvard. So did very bad Senator Ted Cruz. Very good = Justice Souter. Very bad = Justice Scalia. Good = Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy. Bad = Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. And
etcetera. So, a mixed record. More study is needed.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 28, 2009
JEERS to identity theft. A New Mexico hotel owner is getting withering stares from polite society this week because he made his Hispanic employees Americanize their names. Marcos becomes "Mark." Conchita becomes "Sue." Pedro becomes "Buttercup." Shortly after the word got out, a New Delhi customer-service call center rang up Mr. Whitten and left a brief message: "Quit stealin' our act."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to hot bats and sweaty palms. Tonight is game six of the World Series, and it'll be the last if the Kansas City Royals don't open a can of whupass on the San Francisco Giants. But just in case it ends tonight, let's take one last look---via USA Today---at the results of a survey taken last March, in which Major League players from every team were asked who they thought would end up in the Series. As you can see, they make better players than prognosticators:
Oh well. Better luck next year.
Have a majorly-nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
As election looms, Grimes camp launches 'Shame on you, Bill in Portland Maine' campaign
---UPI
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