Is it their smile, their voice, their touch? They both give me so very much. I cannot imagine my life without either one. I am most definitely in love with two men and I'll openly admit it. Daily they both tug on my heart. They are so very much alike. They are men of few words, unless they are sharing about interests and passions. Surprisingly, they both have birthdays in the same month; September, the sapphire month, the Forget-Me-Not month. Each is considered handsome and similar looking, highly intelligent, with a sense of humor and the ability to take me into their world, submerging me in the details of who they are and what they're all about.
Our time together is all too limited and painfully so. Yet that precious time is prized as the most important part of my day or even week when I see and/or speak with them. Often I wonder, where would I be without them? But even more so, who would I be without them? They are the men I love, now and forever. Read on as I'm sure you too will come to love the two men I love.
My Nate! He is my darling and most precious son. He is my little man. Nate is undoubtedly my world, my absolute world. I gave birth to him after having serious health problems. He’s my absolute joy, my gift, my blessing from above. For the first three years of his life he and I were inseparable. I sang to him and read him stories in utero, tickling his little foot as it came bulging practically out of my abdomen. Once he was born we went everywhere together. Before he could utter a word he would hear me tell him what I was doing as I prepared his cereal, did the laundry, chopped up onions to prepare dinner. He’d coo and smile, watching every little detail of what I was doing. Now Nate sings to me from our “Hush Little Baby” book, magnificently illustrated and tenderly written by Sylvia Long.
Our love, our bond, our connection cannot be destroyed no matter how the negative and outside forces attempt to diminish or destroy that bond. Nate is the highlight of my life and he undoubtedly knows it. When he hugs me tight, he let’s out a sigh of relief that he’s safely in my arms. I’m turned to mush when he says “Oh mommy you’re so soft and you smell so good!" I literally live for every moment I have with Nate. His laughs, his giggles and his precious voice are my source of strength to keep going day after day after day. His hugs and kisses are like treasure. He's never demanding, never pushy, never obstinate, never difficult; but he’s always a delight, an absolute joy. We talk, we learn, we laugh, we sing. He has been a true miracle in my life since the moment I knew I was pregnant. He listens as we learn new dinosaur names and he repeats it over and over while I give him a few minor facts to help secure that new name in his memory. Little does he know how he pushes me on to strive through the hectic and painful circumstances in our life. Every moment together is painstakingly short.
When Nate was just 2-years-old a series of events led us out of Los Angeles, then entirely out of the state, and for all too short a period of time. You see, we fled our home attempting to find solace. We drove by night and we drove by day. As we traveled we sang and enjoyed everything our eyes could capture; I had to keep the mood upbeat for Nate’s sake. My vaguely formed plan was to settle in Idaho. If a city-slicker police detective settled there I thought it might just be the place for my little two year old son and me to relocate to. After all, we were leaving a situation with a Los Angeles man and his temperament was much like O.J. As we were just about to head into Idaho more experienced travelers told us “avoid that road, it’s too dangerous; and head straight east on I-80.” So that’s just what I did.
Upon arriving in a little town outside of Idaho I was in awe of the scenery. It was magnificent, glorious, breathtaking, tranquil, peaceful. We fell in love with every detail of this little town – the dinosaurs, the parks, the bison, the rodeos, the parade, the River Walk, and Bob.
Our Bob! Two days after arriving in that little town, little Nate and I were playing in the vacant lot next to where we had just moved to. There was a faint “Rrrr” that got louder and louder until Nate shouted out “Truck mommy!” Here came a street sweeper, rounding the corner. Nate giggled with delight. Nate was in awe of that wonderfully loud truck. It was coming our way and his eyes grew bigger and bigger. The street sweeper stopped right next to our driveway, right where we were now standing. The water hydrant was just beside the driveway. The sweeper door flung open and as Bob got out of his truck Nate gasped and ran a little closer. Bob hooked up the hose to the hydrant and water splashed about. Nate ran back to me, taking my hand and pulling me closer to the hydrant. Nate was standing in water, stomping through the puddles; splashing water about. We couldn’t have picked a better place to move to. Three to four days each week Nate would hear the “Rrrr” of the truck’s engine and yell out “Truck, Mommy” making sure I heard him. We’d quickly get on his shoes and literally go running down the driveway so Nate could splash about in the water. Bob stood there smiling and we were able to make brief conversation with him. On a couple occasions we couldn't make it outside in time and Nate insisted on being lifted into the window to wave and call out a loud "H-e-l-l-o" to Bob.
Within a short time Bob was asking us to walk on the River Walk with him at a nearby park. Nate was excited to see the bison. I’d place Nate in his stroller and within a few minutes Nate was fast asleep. Bob and I would laugh and talk and he'd share about his life growing up in that small town. He knew why we arrived in his little town with California license plates on our car. He'd cringe as I gave him only brief details of the pain we escaped. Bob was honest, kind, gentle, goodhearted, sincere, and like no man I had ever met. Our time together was far too short. We would sit crying together as Nate slept in his stroller. I didn't plan on this to happen, but Nate and I came to love this spectacular man named Bob. Forces beyond our control brought the three of us together. We met Bob completely by accident. Bob was unlike any man I had ever met before, with eyes that mirrored the sky and a smile that radiated like the sun itself. Nate is too young to know it now, but one day he'll know the whole story. He’ll learn what brought us to that little town and just who “Uncle Bob” is to us and the vital role Bob has had in keeping me strong and courageous, encouraging me on to take that next step and the next. It was only a matter of time before we would be leaving that wondrous little town and moving eastward.
We headed eastbound on I-80 to a specific destination and settled in a lovely little college community with the most incredible life-sized dinosaur fossils we had ever seen. I had been teaching Nate about dinosaurs before we had even left California. When we walked into the college Nate was not only enthralled with the dinosaurs but with their natural history museum. We visited this college almost daily. Upon arriving each day at the college Nate, now being 3-years-old, would march up to the Information Desk, he would fling his arms on the desk and while gazing up into the face of the clerk he would firmly ask “When you get Brontosaurus?” There was a moment of silence, and then the clerk would stammer a little looking at me. The clerk would apologize to Nate saying “I’m sorry but we just don’t have room for a Brontosaurus right now.” Another clerk would say “We just haven’t found a Brontosaurus fossil yet.” With each answer Nate heard he would wrinkle up his little face, giving the clerk a sad little “oh, o.k.” and turn disappointed to me. I’d take his hand and off we’d go walking down the corridors to see the fossils. The students would start to pile out of the classrooms and Nate would look up at them and in a loud 3-year-old voice say “Big dinosaur that way” as he pointed to the direction we just came from. Upon leaving the college Nate would say “Me go to school here, Mommy” and I would reply “Yes, Darling, you certainly do!”
In the four years since my son & I first met Bob, he has become a priceless treasure to both Nate and me. Bob takes photos of the trucks he drives at work and sends them to Nate. The street sweeper gets replaced with the snow plow in winter and then there's the trash truck, tractor and other vehicles Bob drives. Nate is thrilled with each picture Bob sends. When Bob goes on his motorcycle trips he takes pictures, sending them along with souvenirs to us.
Bob is that gentle reassuring voice on the other end of the phone. When all is hectic I phone him saying “Just talk” and he shares what's going on in his neck-of-the-woods. He describes the scenery and events of his day. Just hearing the mild drawl in his voice takes me away into his world, far from the chaos of my world and far from the city where Nate and I currently live. Through every crooked turn on this path Bob has been there for us; laughing with me, sending his hugs and kisses through to phone to me. On those difficult days he listens and encourages me on. At the end of each conversation he says his famous “Hang in there” and at times we cry together. Those all too few moments we've had together I hold near and dear to my heart. I prize each memory, holding them close to my heart. I have the utmost hope that one day Nate and I will be on that River Walk again with Bob.
Nate and Bob are the men I most certainly love. Their love gives me a strength to take that next step and the next. Their love for me is what pushes me on day after day, year after year. They are the men I love. But more importantly they are the men that love me. They are the sustenance I need to keep going. Where would I be without them? Who would I be without them? I shudder to think. Their love reaches me through the distance between us. These two men have no idea just how much they add to my life. They are more vital to me than air itself. And, they bring their rays of sunshine down upon me stronger than the sun itself.
Nate and I were forced to return to California and to the turbulence we ran from. Though we’re back in the Los Angeles area we immerse ourselves in as much of that small town and those surrounding towns as we possibly can – the college, the museum, the university, all the fantastic dinosaurs, the Tour de Utah and of course Bob. One day Nate and I will be back in that small town. We’ll be on that River Walk once again, all three of us!