I feel like I’m ready to start seriously dating again, finally, after a couple years of being single. That last breakup rocked my world and really broke my heart, and I can be a slow healer inside.
It’s not that I haven’t dated since then, I just haven’t done it seriously. Talked with multiple people online, several on the phone, and actually met a few in person. I never really felt a spark with any of them, even the one I dated for four months and who took over my house (never again). That last one never got off the ground, it was more of a mutual wallowing in dysfunction than anything resembling a natural and healthy partnership.
So here I am, waiting for the big one, trying to assume nothing, expecting the world. I have my usual anxieties about dating with a disability. It is difficult to tell someone about bathroom habits that may seem strange to them. It’s no fun to tell them that these bathroom things may enter the bedroom by accident once in a while. It’s interesting at best and anxiety-producing at worst to watch the reaction of the new partner to his sudden “hero” status that is bestowed upon him by the general public (as one guy said, with a touch of annoyance, “I’ve never had so many people smile at me before”).
My accessibility needs and limitations is one that gets me the most. I feel fear every time I feel us coming upon a new wall, a new barrier, another realization that we cannot hold hands as we go down the sidewalk (and we may not even be able to be side-by-side). I wonder if and how much that fear will be intensified now that I have been dumped by someone who left for these exact reasons.
Why, then, do I choose to go on looking? Loneliness is certainly a part of it. And sex, hey, who doesn’t need that? But…I like being in love. I really do. I love the progression of feelings, from nervousness to eagerness to comfort. I enjoy taking care of someone, like a lot. I’ve learned to tone it down in the past so as to not suffocate. But I miss taking care of someone, cooking for someone, planning weekends out.
I also want to have support in my life again. I find myself noticing lately the little things couples do like the kisses hello and goodbye, the phone calls to bring a forgotten lunch, the helping to put on a coat. I think I’m ready because when I see those things I’m no longer feeling anger and prickling eyelids, but wistfulness and a slight smile. Who is it going to be, I wonder. That is something I do have to look forward to: I will not spend the rest of my years having never been in love again, so, then, who will it be? What kind of love will happen to me? I need a brave soul who is not afraid to move outside his comfort zone, because that is where I live and I cannot come to his house all the time. He must learn to live in mine, too.
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Holidays are coming, see me on Etsy and in the Kos Katalogue along with other independent business owners. I add new items daily. Thanks.