It has been a while since I last wrote an entry. Several factors conspired at times to make this so. A broken space bar, fasting for a colonoscopy, general (or specific) malaise owing to failures in the job market and, finally, failure to hear anything from SSDI despite the fact I had a formal hearing about 10 weeks ago.
All too often my life is ruled by SSDD. There isn't much to talk or write about. I cannot always tell if I am getting better in a significant way because any improvements are incremental or partial or involve nothing that is consistent. The arc of change also gets lost in the forest with the trees.
I could write a mountain about the things I should or could be doing IF something or other looked positive or came through. I lack motivation as well as funds. Right now it's a slog and I have to fight against things no one can see. At least I have a fantasy NFL team to worry about or I'd be far more morose.
To illustrate: I had one interview for a job I thought suited me, seeing as it utilized my editorial and historical knowledge and background. But it seems they did not view my historical knowledge as any better than a garden variety BA in history because my particular field of study was not what they sought. Do they really think any history PhD is as qualified as someone who took a half dozen to a dozen undergraduate classes, like those I actually taught? Gee, I doubt the average undergraduate writes or publishes anything analogous to a refereed journal article. To me, that was asinine and it meant I competed against anyone with imo far lesser knowledge or background. I guess they also failed to note I actually took a graduate course in Document Editing, too. Stuff like this can suck the life out of a Lymie, especially. That's what I've learned.
I have continued on the same meds I started with in May: Clindamyclin and Malarone. At times, the pain (vaginal or intestinal) has been significant enough to wake me up and keep me from having further sleep. This problem prompted the visit to a GI doctor who figured, given my age, why not see what's going on with a colonoscopy. I had also begun a course of treatment against Candida, and for a while took a significant amount of apple cider vinegar (unfiltered, raw) a day. No major red flags came up but a scheduling mishap (I guess I assumed something) made me fast for 48 hours instead of 24 hours. I must have had a lot of gas because at times I did not feel empty. But afterward, I broke my Paleo -- no dairy, no bread/gluten -- diet. I saw the hospital cafe on the way in and knew I HAD to get a bagel with cream cheese before I left. It was a good bagel. Maybe that set a craving in motion, since a few days later I was seriously thinking about cheesecake. Go figure. (None to have, though.)
Apparently, I can stand up for a minute or so and look at a TV with my arms behind my back and not sway. I seem to be a little better at an exercise of marching in place (with a hand on a counter supporting the weight transfer). This is what I hang my hat on. Yes, it's that mundane or pathetic.
Makes me what to discuss cats I socialize at Tabby's Place (Ringoes, NJ) instead. A few seem to like me a lot; those are essentially like old friends. Of course, a few of those are just plain friendly. I go back at least a year with a senior male black cat named Goldie (named by his former owner owing to eye color; the owner died). He's a sweet guy, really likes people. He can be an alpha male but seems a little less so now (different roommates). Only sad part for me is that I could not even entertain adopting a cat in my current situation, of course. I can't plan much of anything.
So I wait. Wait. Wait. Whoever said the only constant in life is change clearly never knew anyone with Lyme (or its "friends").