In a few weeks many of us will be sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with family, friends and good ol' Tea Party Uncle Ted, so what better time to remind our fellow feasters just how much we love government regulations.
Wha?
I like turkey and mash potatoes and pumpkin pie — I won't touch that green stuff with corn flakes and that starchy pasty (gravy?) that Aunt Sally brings every year — but government regulations?
I don't understand and neither will Uncle Ted.
Well, after saying "On your marks, get set, eat!" — or if you say grace or some sort of blessing in your household, that's fine, too — and you are plowing headlong into a plate of taters and turkey, does the thought "Hey, is this food safe?" pop into your head? Well, aside from Aunt Sally's monstrous green gelatinous — green bean casserole? — we typically expect mom will select a good turkey and wash and prepare the meal so that no one has to run to the ... well you get the picture.
It was mom's (or Dad's if that's how your family rolls) job to worry about preparing and cooking the meal so that no one gets sick.
You're job was to do your part and make mom happy by stuffing yourself to near bursting, plop down on the sofa and watch the Dallas-the Team That Shall Go Unmentioned game, unbutton the top button and maybe take down the zipper a notch or two, or three, and goad Uncle Ted into a red faced flecked-spittle tirade.
And boy do I have a good one to get Uncle Ted.
Just before whomever it is who gives the annual Thanksgiving starters call — or blessing if that's the custom in your household — begins, clink your glass with a salad fork and call everyone's attention.
"Friends and family, I am once again thankful to be here with you in front of this bounty that God and mom has placed before us, but before we begin, I want to say a word of thanks.
I want to thank the government regulators who have made this meal possible. Who have helped set this table with food that is of such quality that we don't have to slow down our eating to worry about whether the turkey is really safe to eat, or the potatoes and bread are fresh, or whether the cranberry sauce or stuffing is going to kill us.
I want to thank the Department of Agriculture for maintaining high food-safety regulations and I want to thank the meat inspectors who are required to do their job — thanks to some brave and smart Americans who decades ago fought on behalf of Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Independents and all Americans, so that we might sit here with the utmost confidence that we are not going to die if we eat this meal.
I am thankful that mom (or dad) can shop the grocery aisle with that same confidence and select from variety of turkeys and other Thanksgiving ingredients knowing good people and good regulations have helped insure these ingredients arrive in the store and into our homes safe and fresh, in order to nourish our bodies and spirits.
OK, now, on your marks, get set, eat!"
Amen ... and between bites, be sure to peek over to Uncle Ted's seat so you don't miss his head exploding.