From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Gobblegate
Breaking via Rex Huppke at The Chicago Tribune:
On Wednesday, our lawless president, Emperor Barack Hussein Caesar Obama the Dictator King, will goose-step into the Rose Garden, wipe his feet on the Constitution and do something no president in the history of this great nation has ever done: Pardon a turkey.
Emperor Obama: palling around
with a juicy, succulent terrorist?
That's right, just days before Thanksgiving, Obama and his liberal cronies will grant amnesty to a presumably delicious turkey, denying the creature its God-given right to be eaten by a patriotic American family. […]
Clearly, Obama must be stopped before America is irrevocably changed.
I'm calling on all members of Congress who believe in freedom to halt this imperial president by suing him, threatening to impeach him and refusing to confirm any of his judicial or executive nominees. So basically just keep doing what you're doing.
As for the rest of you, please take to social media and e-protest Obama's unlawful activity by using the hashtag #ProtestThePardon.
By tweeting at the top of our lungs, our collective voice might be loud enough to put the president in his place (prison) and the turkeys in theirs (on large serving trays).
Forward this to your crazy Fox News-watching uncle, and see how long it takes to get forwarded back to you by your crazy Fox News-watching aunt.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Note: Here's the posting schedule for the rest of the week. There will be a Thanksgiving Day C&J tomorrow morning. No C&J Friday or Monday as I'll be pulled into a sub-space vortex during a violent thunderstorm and forced to face all of my demons from birth to the present day. If I drink from the correct chalice and find the right exit portal, we'll be back on Tuesday. From the entire nationwide faculty and staff at C&J (all one of us): May your half of the wishbone be the long one.
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer:
207
Days 'til the
Miami Street Photography Festival:
8
Number of states in which unemployment fell in October:
34
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Revised third-quarter GDP, up from 3.5%, part of the best six-month string of growth since 2003:
3.9%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Amount paid at auction for
Sam's painted piano used in Casablanca:
$3.4 million
Rank of Portland Maine among
"best places to shop local" for the holidays (out of 75 markets analyzed) according to Yelp:
#1
Temperature the inner thigh of a turkey (and stuffing, if used) must reach to be deemed safe to eat, according to federal guidelines:
165 degrees
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 5 False Prophets and 1 ironclad argument that Satan runs your local Post Office). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Say "Cheesy kibble….."
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CHEERS to a glimmer of happiness on the civil rights front. Yesterday afternoon a federal judge in Arkansas struck down the state's ban on gay marriage:
In a 45-page opinion issued Tuesday afternoon, U.S. District Judge Kristine Baker said that the voter-approved 2004 amendment that restricts gay marriage restrict same-sex couples' "fundamental right to marry" in violation of the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. She added the ban also imposes "unconstitutional classifications on the basis of gender," in violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment. […]
Voters in 2004 resoundingly approved Amendment 83 defining marriage in Arkansas as between one man and one woman.
Arkansas is a good example of how scattershot the legal process over same-sex marriage has been: Judge Baker is letting her ruling simmer on the back burner pending appeal. But the state Supreme Court is already mulling over a separate case that could break anytime. But 500 gay couples managed to get legally married during the little window of opportunity they had in May between a county judge's ruling and a stay on
that decision. So now the unmarried gays are second-class to the married gays, but all the gays are still second-class to the married and unmarried straights because in Arkansas being gay can still get you fired. Got all that? Next time I'll just draw a chart.
JEERS to today's boring correction. Contrary to what you may have heard, Darren Wilson is "just a choirboy with a badge doing his job" and Michael Brown was a "ten-foot-tall demon with laser eyes." The media would appreciate it if you would update your memory files accordingly. To help you, they'll keep reinforcing this message 24/7 until further notice. Thank you and have a white…er, nice day.
JEERS to a great big mess. If you're traveling today in the eastern part of the country, you might be better off renting an abominable snowman to carry you and your belongings to your destination. This is what the map looks like, according to the National Weather Service's Atari 2600 forecast computer:
The gays, feminists and pagans are quick to point out, by the way, that this is
not one of their weather messes. Responsibility rests solely on the homophobes, the male chauvinists and the Bible thumpers. If you end up in it while driving, remember: keep your hands at 10 and 2 and your expression like this:
<|:-O (The pointy hat is optional, but very stylish.)
CHEERS to gratitudinalizin'. On November 26, 1789 A national Day of Publick Thanksgivin---calling for "sincere and humble thanks" for the adoption of our Constitution---was observed in the United States as approved by Congress and drawn up formally by President George "Honest Abe" Washington. Everybody bowed their heads and expressed their gratitude for the greatest miracle of all: Congress actually approved something.
CHEERS to bouncing off the walls in space. Italy and astronauts. Two words you don't often see in the same sentence, but when you do, you can count on there being a damn good reason:
The best part of waking up...
[Monday] morning, Italy’s first female astronaut [Samantha Cristoforetti] arrived at the International Space Station, carrying---well, more accurately, clutching in her arms like a first-born child---the first zero-g Certified Italian Espresso coffee machine. The machine, called the ISSpresso, was created by a couple of Italian companies after another Italian astronaut returned from the space station in 2012 and complained about the lack of good coffee while in Earth orbit. … The good times that will be enjoyed over a hot plastic pouch of perk are expected to go a long way towards reducing the extreme
isolation and stress that astronauts experience aboard the ISS.
And if the espresso machine doesn't improve morale, next year they'll send up Silvio Berlusconi and his traveling toga party.
JEERS to caging our planet-mates. On November 26, 1716 the first African lion was put on exhibition in Boston. The notes of the first reporter who covered the event read:
"Entering the cage, one gets a feeling that one is among the friendliest of pussy cats. The eyes of this magnificent beast exude warmth, hospitality, and a soul that can only be described as harmlesghfjbvhasduighghh…nn n"
There may have been more, but that's the only part of the notepad the lion pooped out the next day. Plus the pencil. And a hat.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 26, 2009
CHEERS to a dish best served cold. President and First Lady Obama hosted their very first state dinner last night. (Side note: Bush II hosted 6, Clinton hosted 29, and Reagan hosted...ready for this?...57.) The White House welcomed
Indian Prime Minister Singh, along with hundreds of celebrities, dignitaries and other assorted muckety mucks. On the menu: Dumplings, curry prawns and, in the perfect act of revenge against the D.C. Villagers who hounded him during the '08 primary season: arugula. Well played, Mr. President.
[11/26/14 Update: That was the dinner during which the "reality TV wannabe" Salahis got through security and hobnobbed with, well, whoever they wanted. But then the Secret Service doubled its efforts to do a better job and today they're blemish-free. The end.]
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And just one more…
JEERS to tying up your inner Charlie Brown and sending him on a long walk off a short pier. The Christmas tree that was chosen to grace Reading, Pennsylvania's town square this year was tall, lush and perfect---a Tannenbaum that would do 30 Rock proud. But when the owner of the tree wouldn’t let the municipal trucks haul it away because the ground around it was too wet, the town had to punt. So they hastily plucked a "spindly 50-foot spruce" from a park and set it up. But instead of embracing it as "the unlikely tree that gave its life to save Christmas in Reading," the townspeople are complaining that it's ruining their holiday cheer:
You disgust us.
[A] group led by the city council president is raising money to buy and decorate a more impressive replacement.
The current tree is topped with a lighted pretzel, a nod to the area's many bakeries. Officials are hoping to have a do-over tree lighting ceremony next weekend.
In the distance, the ghost of Charles Schulz wept.
Have a nice Wednesday and safe travels if you're heading over the river, through the woods and out among the inconsiderate jerks. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The results of a new study conducted by a team of researchers at the California Academy of Sciences has revealed that turtles, which were earlier believed to be related to Mitch McConnell, could be more closely related to Bill in Portland Maine.
---American Live Wire
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