The following is a rant. Not everyone will agree with me. That is all.
What experts tell me and Ellie we’re “supposed” to do:
1) Be available to greet all guests. Lean names, give kisses and hugs.
2) Sit with the family during social times. Pay attention to conversations and participate when appropriate. Site next to people on the couch, if necessary.
3) Eat dinner with the whole family. Again, participate in social interaction.
4) Help with chores, as much as any other kid.
The overriding message of the “experts” is that we are to teach socially appropriate behavior to autistic kids. They have to learn to be part of our world. How will they ever go out into the world and do x, y, z if they can’t do all these things?
I have always quietly rejected a large majority of what I have been told by “experts”. None of it made any sense to me. Put a two year old kid in 30-40 hours of therapy a week? Are you psychotic? Force a kid to experience “potty-training” 24 hours a day for YEARS if necessary until they get it? Are you a sadist?
All of the things that I was told were necessary seemed exactly that to me – sadistic. I was being told that I should torture my child because it was best for her. And I never did. It just seemed wrong to me, and now “experts” are finally starting to come to the conclusion that the old way of “treating” autism is sadistic and ultimately unsuccessful.
Here are our rules for Thanskgiving:
1) Ellie comes to greet people. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss. She doesn’t have to recite names. She just has to say “hi”, then go back to whatever else she was doing.
2) A place is set at the table with everyone else. Sometimes Ellie will dine with us, sometimes she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t want to eat with us, she can eat in the other room.
3) Ellie is usually asked to perform chores, like setting napkins at the table. It is a simple, quick chore. She is not expected to do the level of work that the other kids are doing, particularly if there is a house full of people around.
4) Ellie is not required to spend any time with relatives that she doesn’t want to. Usually she doesn’t want to. If people are really interested, they can go sit quietly in her room with her for a few minutes to have a quiet conversation or see what Ellie is up to. One at a time.
5) Ellie says good bye when people are leaving. She just has to come out of her room and say goodbye.
“But Mama!” you might cry. ” How Will She Learn? What About When She Lives On Her Own? How Will She Fit in?”
My answers are: she might not, but probably will on her own good time. I’ve said many times: Ellie does the same stuff as everyone else on this planet, if you give her enough space and time. The more you hound and intervene, the more you try to “train” her, the more resistant she will be. I like Happy Ellie. Everybody likes her. She’s wonderful, and charming and funny. I will not “train” that out of my daughter.
Not to sound confrontational, but if you don’t like it, then you should go get your own autistic daughter to raise. I think I’m doing an ok job raising mine.
(Please don’t take this rant personally. I’ve been reading too many pieces of “advice” on how to holiday successfully with your autistic kid. It tends to get my dander up.)