Is this diary a joke? No, it's thirteen jokes.
Quakers are sometimes referred to as a peculiar people. Tonight's diary features 13 anecdotes highlighting some of the attitudes and practices which have earned Quakers that reputation.
But the people in the stories in tonight's diary may seem even more peculiar than they actually were. That's because the punch-lines have gotten mixed up and traded around. Your challenge tonight is to figure out which punchline goes with which set-up and to trade them back. (Or you can simply come down and enjoy the altered versions, and try to figure out whether they make more or less sense than the originals.)
For Sunday Puzzle regulars who were likely expecting a JulieCrostic tonight, here's a quick explanation about tonight's diary. Twelve years ago I wrote a small booklet of Quaker-themed puzzles -- partly for use in a First Day School class I was teaching, partly just for fun. Tonight's puzzle is one of my favorites from that booklet. In sorting through papers I recently came across a copy of the booklet and thought I'd use this puzzle for tonight's Sunday Puzzle Warm-Up (since, as usual these days, I'm running way late on a lot of things). A new JulieCrostic next week, I promise.
Here the 13 stories are. I copied these from--
Oops, wait, I guess I shouldn't reveal the title of the book they come from yet, lest you be tempted to look up the correct versions. Although it's probably not a book most of you have on your shelves. Even so, I think I'll wait until after the puzzle is solved before sharing the title of the book I took these anecdotes from.
To make things a little easier for you folks, I've put the set-ups for the anecdotes in bold and the punchlines for the anecdotes in italics.
A request: When posting answers tonight, please use the anecdote number for the subject line. In the comment itself, please copy-paste the set-up for that number and then copy-paste what you've selected as the correct punchline. That will make it easier for others to see how you think the joke should read. Some of the jokes may need a bit of explanation even after the correct parts have been put together.
Have fun, and I hope to see you in comments.
[NOTE: it's possible I will be a little late to the party tonight. But I should be here soon after the diary posts.]
1. Early in his presidency of Swarthmore College, Frank Aydelotte secured a contribution of $100,000.* In his ignorance of Quaker reticence, he could hardly wait for the next meeting of the board of managers, expecting great bursts of enthusiasm. But the announcement was met by a prolonged silence. Finally a member of the board said quietly, "Thou knowest that scripture says we should love all men, but I sometimes think thou art getting more than thy share."
[NOTE: This occurred in the first half of the 20th century, when $100,000 was a very large amount of money. Not that it's a small amount now, but it was even larger then.]
2. In England Richard Tapper Cadbury passed a fop, who looked at the Quaker's plain dress and said, "I don't step aside for fools." Cadbury moved out of his way quietly and said, "Neither have I, Hannah; but, I doubt not, many better people have."
3. A man who knew little about Friends' ways was invited to a Quaker home for dinner. Before he accepted, he asked a friend who was acquainted with Quakers whether he should go. The friend said, "Go ahead. They're all right, and you'll get a good meal."
A few days after the party the two men met again. "Well, how did it go? Did you get along all right?"
"I had my way."
4. Since Alan Corson was a very plain Friend, a woman in the same meeting expected sympathy when she reported her concern that a fellow member had gone to the theatre. The lady added, with consciousness of virtue, "I have never been within the doors of a playhouse." Alan Corson's instant comment was, "Thee preaches mighty well, but thee dresses entirely too fine."
5. In a business meeting, Elias Hicks opposed the building of the Erie Canal with the words: "If the Lord wanted a river to flow through the state of New York, he would have put one there." After a profound silence a much less prominent member rose and intoned, "I will see that he gets it."
6. John Carter and George Scattergood were friends and business partners for many years. "During all those fifty-odd years of close association," said John Carter, George and I had only one serious difference. That was over the amount of money that he should withdraw as his share when he retired. He thought it should be less, and I thought it should be more. We were both very firm about it."
"Well," a friend asked him, "how did it end?"
"Oh," said John Carter with a twinkle in his eye, "Oh, everything was fine. There was a little awkward silence at the beginning of the meal, but I just told a funny story and broke the ice."
7. A swain at last summoned up enough courage to stammer out, "Amelia, dost thou love me?" She replied, "Oh, no, we're married."
8. Edward Grubb, a well-known English Friend, was visiting Rufus Jones at Haverford. Every night in British fashion he put his shoes outside the door to be cleaned. Since there was no maid employed for that purpose in the Jones home, Rufus cleaned them. As he was leaving, Edward Grubb said, "Here is a dollar; will you give it to the boy who cleans the boots?" Rufus Jones tactfully accepted the money, saying, "I see no reason why we should not accept this gift."
9. To the Friends Hostel at Jordans, England, came very late one night a young couple, asking for accomodations. The caretaker first reproved them for disturbing the repose of the household. Then, remembering her responsibility for Quaker hospitality, she asked, "Are you Friends?" To which the young man reassuringly replied, "Thee may keep the bag."
10. A young teacher was offered some grapes from the arbors of a thrifty old Quaker lady. As she put a couple of bunches in a bag and gave the bag to the teacher, she said, "And Jacob digged a well."
11. Over a century ago a Philadelphia minister, dressed in the mode of Elizabeth Fry, had gone on a visit to North Carolina. In the ministers' gallery next to her sat a woman wearing a calico dress of large pattern. "After meeting," thought the Philadelphia Friend, I must speak to her of this."
Meeting over, the Friend in the calico dress turned to the Philadelphia Friend and said, "Wear it as long as thou canst."
12. The religiously "guarded" education which steeped Friends with Biblical quotations and rhythms but which classified all drama and fiction as "pernicious literature" was probably responsibile for the slip of a woman Friend who began her sermon by intoning, "But I do."
13. Oddly enough, there was once a minor testimony against such male "hirsute adornment" as beards, whiskers, and mustaches. An English Friend was eldered by some conservative American Friends for the length of his mustache. He defended himself by quoting George Fox's traditional advice to William Penn (about his sword): " 'A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!' No doubt the scriptural writer referred to a spiritual horse."