Jesus Christ came down to earth on Tuesday for the first time in nearly 2,015 years, breaking his prolonged silence to present an award at the United Nations. ESPN had asked that Jesus hand out his award at their annual ESPY gala, but the Son of God declined, speaking of himself in the third person to say, "I'm sorry, but Jesus H. Christ, The Bright and Morning Star, The Captain of Your Salvation, does not 'do sports'." The Anointed One made his presentation brief. Walking up the East River to address a huddled mass of one million outside the United Nations building, The Bread of Life raised his hands to pronounce, "I am here but for a short time today to present an award that I call the 'Are You Telling Me You Really Didn't See That Coming?' award. Oh! One quick item before I start. Do you remember all that pish-posh about 'thou shalt have no other God before me'? Well, that's precisely what it is: pish-posh, nothing more than a bunch of old Hebrew men trying to consolidate power for themselves 2,500 years ago. All you people need as a guide for right living is to remember: do unto others as you would have them do unto you and so on, you know, yadada yadada...but I digress.
"For my award, I will recognize three places, to be handed out in reverse order: In third place: the athletic department and football coaching staff at The Ohio State University for having ignored the several concussions, the subsequent depression and extreme confusion experienced by Kosta Karageorge, the poor boy who tragically took his own life with a handgun inside a dumpster this past weekend. In second place: the chronically diabolical NRA, for espousing the false notion that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." The NRA is guilty of crimes far worse than this, but I mention them in second place, given the horrifying number of mass murders in recent years in the states of: Ohio, New York, California, Alaska, Nebraska, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Alabama, Mississippi, Arizona, Colorado, Virginia, Texas, Kentucky, Florida, New Mexico, Arkansas, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Montana, South Carolina, , Georgia, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Louisiana, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Illinois, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Michigan, Oklahoma. Alaska, Wyoming, Hawaii, Montana, Idaho, Tennessee, Iowa, Nevada, Maine and Utah. How many states do you people have, anyway? Frankly, you have the collective attention span of a swarm of gnats, no intended offense to gnats: A crazy person kills a group of kids, you whine about it for a couple days, then move on to another topic like a group of attention-challenged children chasing butterflies in a field, and you do nothing to change. News flash, NRA: If a person loads a gun, aims it at someone and fires it, there is a strong possibility that the gun is going to kill someone. Sweet Beloved Son of Sons. The NRA. With their Fox News, Fat Limbaugh, lying, fear mongering, manipulative control over the ignorant masses for their own gain, they are horribly guilty of the most heinous of crimes against humanity. You want to know the true face of the devil? Just look at Wayne LaPierre. Moving on. The winner of this year's 'You Didn't See That Coming?' award: I'm sorry, but the award goes to all of you, every U.S. citizen. You are guilty of putting guns in the hands of young men whom you call policemen, then asking them to march forth like brave ignorant macho knights to clean up your towns and your cities by whatever means necessary. Most of the young men you call policemen have watched "Rambo" and "Walking Tall" far too many times in lieu of reading a newspaper, they play "World of Warcraft" and "Call of Duty" 30 hours a week, they're generally uninformed with dangerously simplistic notions about people outside their own little group, and they have a slightly frightened, racist perception of the world that is molded by the right wing media. You give these young men whom you call policemen guns, put them in squad cars and send them out into the night to confront uneducated, powerless, often misguided, angry young kids who have distrust and little respect for the police. So I ask you, what in the name of The Beloved Son did you think was going to happen in Ferguson, Missouri? Are you telling me you didn't see that coming?
"And so, as half of you march around with your palms up in the air and the other half calls you thugs, I've got some advice as to how you all might proceed as a group. Give brief pause and look at what all three of my award recipients have in common: Guns. Consider what would happen if police officers had stun guns or tranquilizer darts or even rubber bullets? Think about that. A tranquilizer dart will stop a gargantuan charging rhino from a hundred yards off. Surely it can stop a young kid who's walking aimlessly down the middle of the street with a pack of stolen cheap cigars. Michael Brown would have been bruised with a little hangover afterward, not lying dead on the pavement. Face the facts. You're not going to end poverty or ignorance or anger. That's a given. And you're never going to have a sophisticated, highly trained police force. That would cost too much. But please, for the love of Me, envision the next killings that are coming down the road, like they've come so many million times before. Envision a child, your child. See a crazy person or even a young policeman with a gun in his hand, hear the bullets fly. Now, see the lifeless body of your child on the ground. That's got to change. You can do it. You ended slavery, didn't you? You mobilized to stop Hitler. Most of you quit smoking and stopped beating your kids with sticks. Surely you can update and antiquated law passed in 1791 regarding guns, including the way police officers use them, in a manner that makes sense for everyone. And it's not citizens who need convincing of this; it's the whores and the money changers on Capital Hill in Washington, D.C. who need to change. They are owned by the NRA.
"I've must go now, and I'm going to leave you with one final thought. How about this: Suppose a couple multi-billionaires contact some of their closest multi-billionaire friends and join together like a band of Multi-Billionaire Super Heroes and take on the omnipotent NRA and Fox? Pulverize those evil bastards. I'm talking to you, Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. Take the lead. I'm coming back next year, and I want to see some changes."
Haldon Richardson is a teacher and a writer at beyondthelineshaldonrichardson.sportsblog.com. Please like him on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/... on Google + at: https://plus.google.com/... and on twitter at: https://twitter.com/...