UPDATE: I just got a call and my aunt is in the hospital with liver failure. So I'm on my way to Seattle tonight even though I don't have the fucking money for it. Seattle Kossacks who have a place for me to crash, please send me a kosmail if you're so inclined.
I am terrified.
This Tuesday started out as one of the worst days of my life. I had been unemployed for almost exactly one month, my bills were mounting, I was really hungry and more than a little overwhelmed with the situation I was facing. I was in full-fledged meltdown mode and having the worst anxiety attacks that I've ever had in my life.
And then, my personal bully friend Colorado is the Shiznit took action, and then so did all of you.
I desperately want to thank each of you personally, but man! There are a lot of you and if I start naming names I'll miss someone and I can't have that. The only exception to this is to thank Shiz for not only listening to me panic all morning long on Tuesday, but for ignoring my pride and stubbornness. I am stubborn way past a fault, and if she hadn't stepped up I'd still be facing insurmountable debt and an empty belly. So, thank you, Shiz, for doing what was best for me even when I begged you not to.
Thanks to the generosity of all of you, I am able to pay almost all of my bills in December and I think I'll actually be able to eke out at least half of my rent. Words simply can't express how grateful and humbled I am to be at the receiving end of this community's awesome generosity.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!!!
I ALSO GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't say much more about that because, really, how fucking lucky am I? I have hundreds of Orange Soldiers who have my back and I'll be starting 2015 back in the workforce, with much more manageable debt.
And I do want to stress that I know how lucky I am to be in this position. I know a lot of people in real life, and a lot of my virtual friends, have been out of job more much longer. Or are themselves in untenable working conditions and trying to survive that particular hell.
Which brings me to my next two points:
First, I promise to pay all of this generosity back/forward. I'm not going to belabor this point because I think y'all know I'm good for it.
Second, and more importantly, I know there are people who are sort of thrown off by community fundraisers. I include myself in that group, actually, which is one of the reasons I was so reluctant to let my bully friend post one on my behalf.
I never, ever imagined that I would need a fundraiser. I am pretty adept at surviving and even thriving in poverty. But it's been a long time since I've had to live like that so, naturally, I just kind of figured that I never would again. I mean, as a politically aware person I know that most of us are just one paycheck away from economic devastation, but when it happened to me it was a blow to my ego. That blow to my ego was what made me so reluctant to ask for help.
But there are people (again, me included) who often ask: What happens to those who aren't as "popular" in this community when they need help.
My answer is: I don't know.
I wrote a diary about fundraisers last year and in hindsight I see myself grappling with my own position on the topic. I honestly don't know how to resolve this issue, but in the end what we have is a "trust your gut" atmosphere.
So, is it fair that because this community knows me I get a mind-blowing amount of help while someone who is less well-known but equally deserving gets nothing?
Cosmically, probably not.
But here? I don't know. That's so hard to say. I truly believe that 99% of the people here would help anyone, but when those pleas for help come from online it's a lot harder to make a judgment call. By that, I mean that if your best friend loses his/her job, almost all of us would do what we could to help our best friend. We're more reluctant with the people we don't know who are soliciting funds on the side of the road with a cardboard sign.
We have to make judgment calls and those are necessarily not always easy.
I know that I am lucky that I'm not falling off a financial cliff at the moment. I know that the first few months of the new year are going to be rocky for me. That most Americans are in this exact same state of being financially secure enough to get through the day to day but always on the precipice if something extraordinary happens is something that I cannot endorse.
The bottom line is that I shouldn't have had to leave a job that I rocked at because my manager hated Teh Gayz. And I have been working all of my life, so I shouldn't be dropped into thin air without a safety net when something goes wrong.
But that's where we all are, isn't it?
Maybe we should spend a lot more time working on a plan to save everyone.
That's all I've got.