From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The State of the Late Night Snark is Strong
"Last night President Obama gave the State of the Union address, and I just have to say that I don't know what union he was describing but I want to live there. I want to move. It sounds outstanding. There's a middle class."
---Seth Meyers
"The Obamas invited 22 guests to the speech, including a former Cuban prisoner, an astronaut, and a doctor. Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time."
---Jimmy Fallon
How to read this Washington Post-
ABC News poll: Landslide, Landslide,
Landslide, Landslide, Landslide.
"Are you sitting because you'd prefer a lower stock market and fewer jobs? Do you sit because you want higher inflation? No. What is clear is that the glue that holds us together as a people is not nearly as strong as the glue holding the wood of John Boehner's chair to the wood of John Boehner's ass."
---Jon Stewart, on Republicans at the SOTU who appeared to be "allergic to applauding things"
"Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee and, just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney."
---Conan O'Brien
"Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with."
---Tina Fey at the Golden Globe Awards
"It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the National Anthem at this year's Super Bowl. Then she'll sing Let It Go as a tribute to the NFL's domestic violence policy."
---Colin Jost, SNL
C'mon down below the fold and splash in the kiddie pool. We're bobbing for bread bags. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 23, 2015
Note: The final opposition response to the President's State of the Union address---specifically, "Guy holed up in survival bunker's" response to the Aryan Nation response to the KKK response to the NRA response to Rand Paul's response to Ted Cruz's flubbed response to the tea party response to the other tea party response to the Republican response (minus the pro-immigration verbiage that they only included in the Spanish-language response)---will begin in 15 minutes and consist of a series of grunting noises interrupted occasionally by the opening of freeze-dried Spam packets. You can watch it live on the Police Perimeter Cam.
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7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2016 election:
654
Days 'til the
Holtville Carrot Festival in California:
7
Percent of Bostonians who want a public vote on whether or not to approve their city as an Olympic host:
75%
(Source: WBUR poll)
Factor by which sea levels are rising faster than they did between 1900 and 1990:
2.5x
(Source:
Nature)
Time it took for Manhattan bookstores to sell out of the latest issue of
Charlie Hebdo, which normally isn’t sold in the U.S.:
1 hour
Pounds of barley per barrel used by non-craft beer brewers:
16.5
Pounds of barley per barrel used by craft beer brewers:
69
(Source: FiveThirtyEight.com)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: What happens in the photo booth stays in the photo booth! Except this one time.
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CHEERS to trailblazer-trailblazer meetups. Lost in the State of the Union hubbub (for me, at least) was this totally cool moment, when President Barack Obama greeted civil rights legend and "Bloody Sunday" Selma marcher Amelia Boynton Robinson:
More on her story
here. I hope I'm that spry when I'm 103. Then again, I hope I'm
anything at 103.
JEERS to not going out of business. Speaking of Obama, six years ago the newly-minted president signed an order that was intended to close the prison at Guantanamo within a year:
Still open for nasty business.
"The orders that I signed today should send an unmistakable signal that our actions in defense of liberty will be just as our cause and that we, the people, will uphold our fundamental values as vigilantly as we protect our security. Once again, America’s moral example must be the bedrock and the beacon of our global leadership."
A bunch of cowards in Congress and state houses---Republicans
and Democrats, of course---got the vapors and said no, America isn't smart enough or strong enough to handle those detainees
ON AMERICAN SOIL!!! So, six years later, Gitmo is still open for business, and the president can still have American citizens arrested without probable cause and black-helicoptered there, too, if he chooses. Memo to DHS: if I'm on your list, I'd like my steak medium, please. Light on the tater tots, extra broccoli.
JEERS to a shoddy Arabian. King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al Saud of Saudi Arabia died from an acute case of being 90. He'll be replaced by his 80 year-old half brother, Salman bin Abdulaziz. When asked how he plans to govern, Salman said, "Eh, we'll take it one beheading at a time."
CHEERS to timely retro-advice. Nineteen years ago today---oh, this is so cute---Bill Clinton delivered a State of the Union speech in which he told Republicans that they had to pinky-swear…
Clinton saved Republicans
from themselves.
"...never, ever shut the federal government down again. On behalf of all Americans, especially those who need their Social Security payments at the beginning of March, I also challenge the Congress to preserve the full faith and credit of the United States---to honor the obligations of this great nation as we have for 220 years; to rise above partisanship and pass a straightforward extension of the debt limit and show people America keeps its word."
Read that out loud to a tea party Republican. They'll stand there all day waiting for the rimshot.
Sen. Reid moments after his injury.
CHEERS to the bouncerbacker. Senator Harry Reid was back in action yesterday, passing a crucial post-accident cognitive test by coming out against
giving the president fast-track authority to negotiate that Pacific trade deal. Money quote: “Until it’s shown to me that trade agreements support the middle class, I’m not going to be jumping on the bandwagon." Meanwhile, he'll be out of action next week to undergo and recover from eye-socket surgery. At the same time, all Republicans laughing at his misfortune will have a lumberjack remove the logs from their eyes. (That's gonna be a helluva volume discount.)
Not exactly Duff, but not bad.
CHEERS to the suds of our lives. On January 24, 1935, canned beer
made its debut in Richmond, Virginia:
In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia. Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.
Which reminds me: I just finished reading
Atlas Chugged, and I've taken its message to heart. Tonight I'll ditch the rum and Coke and "go malt."
Tonight on Real Time: Howard!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. On HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher hangs with card-carrying Kossack Howard Dean, along with James Fallows, Bill Burr, Nia Malika-Henderson and Bret Stephens. New
DVD releases include Terry Gilliam's
The Zero Theorem with Christoph Waltz and
Lucy with Scarlett Johansson and Morgan Freeman. No football this weekend, which leaves me feeling a little deflated. But the NHL All-Star game is Sunday and here's the
NBA schedule. (Boston will dip the Denver Nuggets in loser sauce Ha Ha Ha!!!) SNL, which has an impressive cast this year, is hosted by Blake Shelton. And Sunday night on
Downton Abbey, the kitchen staff introduces the manor to White Castle burgers. Hilarity ensues.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. If you look very closely for several hours and let your eyes cross you might notice a pattern:
Meet the Press: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough; Mike Huckabee explains how Ted Nugent telling Hillary Clinton to "suck on my machine gun" was taken out of context (he really meant "come enjoy a strawberry sundae with me after Bible class"); Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says fucking calm down about Muslims, people; roundtable with Helene Cooper, Tom Brokaw, Hugh Hewitt and Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake; Kelly O'Donnell with live coverage of the 2016 GOP candidates bending over for Rep. Steve King in Iowa. (This is where that V-chip comes in handy, Mom and Dad.)
Hint: it's the dude on the L-E-F-T.
This Week: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough; Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal refuses to believe that his chance of becoming president is stuck in the middle of a 'no-go' zone; roundtable with Sara Fagen, Bill Kristol, Donna Brazile and Cokie Roberts.
Face the Nation: This week it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping; White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough; Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA); "Deflategate" yakkety yak with Jarrett Bell (USA Today) and Dan Shaughnessy (Boston Globe); roundtable with Susan Page (USA Today), Dana Milbank (WaPo), Michael Crowley (Politico), Jeffrey Goldberg (The Atlantic), and John Dickerson (CBS News).
CNN's State of the Union: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough; Ohio Governor John Kasich promotes the idiotic idea of putting a balanced-budget amendment into the U.S. Constitution; roundtable with George Will, Ron Fournier, Liz Cheney and Charles Lane.
Happy viewing! Or should I say, Happy McDonoughing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 23, 2005
CHEErrrrrrrrrs to Johnny! The King of Late Night is dead at 79 (coincidentally almost one year to the day after his predecessor Jack Paar died). As long as Carson was hosting the Tonight show, everything was right in the world at 11:30pm. And bonus points for launching the careers of a thousand comedians. St. Peter's first words: "Do Carnac!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to flying filling. Today is a high holy day at Daily Kos. Yes, it's…National Pie Day. Let the fun begin:
"Obama rox!" [Splot!] "Obama sux!" [Splot!]
If it's Boston cream, it must be Friday.
"Love Hillary!" [Splot!] "Hate Hillary!" [Splot!]
"Site administrator moderation is best!" [Splot!] "Self-policing is best!" [Splot!]
"Ginger!" [Splot!] "Mary Ann!" [Splot!]
"Ideological purity!" [Splot!] "Practical centrism!" [Splot!]
"Religion!" [Splot!] "Atheism!" [Splot!]
"Woozles!" [Splot!] "Pooties!" [Splot!]
"Three point one four one five!" [Splot!] "That's pi, not pie, you idiot!" [Splot!]
"Hi, I'm just here to use the restroom." [Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot!]
That was fun. Same time next year?
Have a nice weekend. And please send alotta cannabis-related thoughts and alotta dirty-fucking-hippie vibes to Kossack Cedwyn. Look up "Ffffffabulous!" in the dictionary, and there she'll be. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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