feel like a criminal even when you aren't breaking the law. So much of my life is tied to medication. I have medication for my high blood pressure, high cholesterol, muscle spasms, nerve damage, one to help stop kidney stones forming and pain.
Living with pain is a truly humiliating experience. What you used to be able to do is no longer possible. You need help with some daily tasks which can lead to embarrassing situations. Your life contracts down to small segments of time that are either pain free or extremely painful. You can forget making long range plans. Heck you can forget planning anything really since you have no clue if you will be okay or writhing in pain when the time comes. You dread weather changes good or bad. Either can produce pain that leaves you crying. In my case stairs have become the enemy. Sure is always a good laugh to see a mid 40s guy take a tumble down stairs. The embarrassment is worse than the new pain. Another fun one is not being able to make it to the bathroom on time. Let's all laugh at that fat guy who just took a dump in his pants. Then we get to the good part. Let's see just how much we can humiliate this guy because he needs pain medication to get through a day. Jump on down past the orange snow doodle and see what it is like.
I have been on pain medication for well over 10 years now. I started them in late 99 after my first back surgery. That didn't last long. Just until I was recovered from the surgery. Sure I used ibuprofen but heck a lot of people do and no one looks at them like they are an addict. My next step along the path was when I was experiencing excruciating pain in my lower back. Turned out I had bladder cancer and kidney stones. A one two punch that hits well below the belt.
Having kidney stones has been compared to giving birth. Heck I would like to see the woman who gave birth to over 400 kids. Yeah I had a freaking rock quarry for kidneys. The pain didn't stay but was only around when they started to move. I used to joke I had more tours by the rolling stones than Mick Jagger. That was a few years ago and I wasn't on the real strong stuff. Just Hydrocodone with Acetominophen. The rules weren't too bad back then. The pharmacy didn't look at you like you might rob them.
Then came my new back pain. Wasn't kidney stones this time. Heck I could barely move and spent almost a month in bed. I was back on the Hydrocodone again. This time at a higher dose Turns out this time it was my spine which decided that since he had been left out of the fun for the last few years it was his turn to attack me. I bounced between doctors trying to find relief. I was sent to pain management and soon learned a life lesson.
Needing pain medication for a bad back means you are a druggie. You just want to get high. You are faking it just to get more drugs. I wasn't yet that is how I felt. That was the impression left by the pain management clinic I was at. Since nothing had been found yet, I must be a faker. Getting refills was a ritual in embarrassment. Filling them at the pharmacy felt like being subject to an inquisition. Even after they found out how bad my back was and I was scheduled for surgery I was treated badly.
By the time I was done with surgery and PT and released back to work I was still in pain. Sitting 8 hours a day with no natural padding on my ass after having my lower back fused from L3 down was pretty dang painful. The surgeon sent me back to pain management. Sure my old pain and numbness was gone but the new pain was horrible. The old medication wasn't working so they upped the dose and added muscle relaxers and medication for the spasms. Now I really was getting looks at the pharmacy. See I looked like a normal person. They didn't see me struggle just to get out of the car. They just saw me walk a short distance to the counter. Made me feel like a criminal. Pain management wasn't much better. I guess they see a lot of fakers but it can't be all of them because I knew I wasn't. There had to be more like me.
Now my state has had a problem with pill mill doctors writing scripts for addicts. A lot of states do. So they came up with some new rules. They didn't affect the addicts but they sure did affect me. I had to make more trips to the pain management clinic. I had to get new scripts for every refill. So there I was. A hard working member of society being made to feel like an addict and a criminal. Pain management fought me every time I told them I was not getting any help from the current medication.
I also learned a new thing. People learn you are on pain meds and suddenly everyone wants some. Even when it isn't the really good stuff. I heard all kinds of stories about how come they couldn't get their doctor to write them a script. I've had people beg me and plead for my medication and never gave it. I wasn't being mean. Heck it really did not help me much but it was better than nothing and I didn't have extra. I wasn't just on them part time. I couldn't get through a day without them. I didn't need them to get high or feel good. I needed them to not end up screaming in a ball on the floor. I was in actual pain 24/7.
See even on pain medication you don't get pain free. Or at least I don't I get to have the pain knocked down to a manageable level. Let's say a normal day without pain medication would feel like I had been squashed by an 18 wheeler. On pain meds it felt like I had gone 5 rounds with Mike Tyson getting Kidney punched. It really is amazing just how much pain you can become accustomed to.
While all of this was going on I was being constantly judged by those who don't live with pain. I have family members who think I am an addict because I have to have medication to get through the day. I have co-workers who think am lazy because I don't leave the house very much and don't go out and party after work. Everyone seems to have a judgement about my situation. I get advice like lose weight and it will all go away. I get exercise more it will relieve the pain. I have heard the just go to my chiropractor line so many times I rarely bother to correct them that a chiropractor will not even touch my back.
Maybe this can wake a few people up. Maybe it can change someone's views of someone they know who lives with chronic pain. If it can improve even one person's experience it is worth spreading the news. Sure this has been my feelings and observations but it really is pretty normal for those who live with pain and need pain medication to get through the day.
Wed Jan 28, 2015 at 12:01 AM PT: Wow rec listed 2 diaries in a row. Many thanks to all who read and recced this. Many thanks to for all the kind words and support. Sometimes you get the feeling you are alone in a fight and it helps to know that others are there as well.
Many thanks again