"I'm no theologian, but..." -- Todd Starnes
Leave it to PZ Myers over at
Pharyngula to find this gem, a video so ridiculous I had to perform a modicum of research just to make sure it wasn't a spoof. As if I needed any more reasons to give American Crusade -- er, sorry, 'Sniper' a pass, here's another: extreme (rawk on) xians reveling in our awesome armies sending infidels on a one-way trip to hell.
This does also make mention of Michael Moore and his right-wing critics, but beyond that, just the smug self-righteousness of these chickenhawk xian crusaders, just loving the dickens out of violence, death and eternal suffering.
This particular fellow is probably one of those types who believes he'll be up in heaven someday, with a nice view of all the people he doesn't like burning in hell. Because that is what represents paradise for some people. I used to wonder why it is I have heard and read so much more about hell than heaven...
I had already seen enough about the film, things like this list of heinous lies built into it, to make me not want to see it. Fox 'news' of course takes it to the logical xian-right extreme with this fellow, one Todd Starnes. He does these 'American dispatches' and I had to check just to make sure that was real. I couldn't help thinking this was ripped straight from the Onion. I will not link to Fox, however, searching for todd's American dispatch should turn them up. I saw a nice series of rants about bible this, radical islam that. So, okay. Bit of a Jesus fanboy.
With that said, this video is short enough that I will go ahead and write a transcript myself, interspersed with a bit of mockery. Any transcription error is of course my own damn fault.
I'm Todd Starnes, with this American Dispatch. It was another jaw-dropping weekend for American Sniper, more than $200 million in ticket sales, routing the competition and driving liberals bonkers. The New York Times dismissed the massive crowds as 'southern and midwestern.' Former DNC chief Howard Dean called all you folks who saw the movie 'very angry men, tea party types.' And consider the latest Twitter tantrum from that tweeting twit Michael Moore, asking what would Jesus do? Oh, I know what he'd do -- hide on top of a roof and shoot people in the back! But what would Jesus do if he could be a sniper and save soldiers' lives by shooting "savages" in the back?
Here, allow me to pause for a moment and enjoy what Michael Moore said...
That is, I should say, all of what Michael Moore said. As you can see, there is a third installment, which Mr. Starnes did not -- could not -- repeat, because, well...you'll see.
Now, I'm not saying everyone should go on their Twitters and do the likey-sharey thing for Moore, but hey, it's a free country or some clever facsimile thereof. Back to the chickenhawk.
Well I'm no theologian, but I suspect Jesus would tell that god-fearing, red-blooded american sniper, 'well done, thou good and faithful servant, for dispatching another godless jihadist to the lake of fire.' But then again, I'm no theologian.
Let me just say here that nothing good is liable to follow the phrase, 'I'm no theologian, but...' And in this, Todd does
marvelously. You could say he does about as well with the xian theology as the average "godless jihadist" does with islam, eh? But then, he's not the first xian to employ some ill-thought religious rhetoric in service of the Iraq war. Who else remembers another xian who called that war a "
crusade"? Yeah, why would any muslim extremists get the idea that America kicked off a
religious land war in Asia? Anyway. Back to the chickenhawk theologian.
Be liberal with your minions!
There was a time when Hollywood and Democrats stood in solidarity with our fighting men and women, folks like Jimmy Stewart and Bob Hope and John Wayne, american heroes. Those days are long gone, and our sweet land of liberty has been soiled by the stinking stench of Michael Moore and Howard Dean and their liberal minions.
Long gone?
Forget it, he's rolling.
Well, no. Back in the real world, the organization that used to do that, back in the old days when everyone stood in jackbooted lockstep -- sorry, hard to not get sucked into the bizarro world. Yeah, that'd be the USO, which, of course, still exists. And, of course, still does the same job, including in Afghanistan and Iraq. But I'm no historian, so I looked it up. I guess that Colbert trip to Baghdad doesn't exist in some people's realities. Hell, even Al Franken used to do it. I got yer Hollywood and Democrats right here, bub.
Yeah, there are some pacifists in this country, and I'm no theologian but one could make the case for Jesus, when you're paying no mind to him cursing fig trees, bringing not peace but swords, or whipping moneychangers and what have you.
For the most part, though, the convention in this country is support the troops -- not necessarily the wars, but the troops. And of course, had we gone the Michael Moore Jesus route and not waged a needless war on false pretenses in Iraq, stands to reason that 4000+ soldiers would not be dead now, not to mention the wounded, the casualties from supporting countries, and don't forget the estimated half a million dead our armies racked up in the process.
Todd Starnes, you and the rest of the warmongering GOP have no business claiming solidarity with our soldiers, no place at all. Not when you're the ones most eager to send them off to die -- and to neglect them upon their return.