This is too good to not share. On Monday's
Daily Show, Jon Stewart obliterated the Republicans' speeches at the Iowa Freedom Summit that happened Saturday.
"A lot of Republicans who will never be president met this weekend," he began.
First up? Steve King. "Not the lovable author—the scary Steve King."
Stewart described Steve King’s ramblings as “ignorance resin." "If you take all the stupid and cook it down” you get “crystal duh.”
Jon Stewart moved on to Scott Walker, saying Walker's speech sounded like the "tagline for Tide."
“This summit probably does get your whites whiter," Stewart quipped.
And Ted Cruz, who rambled about something something Who Didley (?) enters what Stewart calls “Ned Flanders territory.”
Mike Huckabee's speech was perhaps the most hilarious and disturbing of the segment. Huckabee spoke about how "you should never see a law or a sausage made” and “if you’re going to have some sausage, you gotta kill some pigs. And folks, there are a lot of people in America who want the sausage, they just don’t want to kill any pigs. We need to do some pig killing to get to the sausage."
Stewart replied, "'My point is, people of Iowa, I am incredibly hungry right now. I skipped lunch to give this speech. Does anyone have any sausage? Or at the very least, a pig that I can kill and eat in front of you with my bare hands?'"
After Rick Perry's scarily feverish tirade, Stewart said, "Apparently Rick Perry said to himself, ‘hey, you know that thing Howard Dean did in Iowa? (Screams) The enthusiasm bordering on insanity that essentially destroyed his presidential campaign? What if I doubled down on that shit?' Honestly, Governor Perry, why bother buying the smart guy glasses if the real affectation you’re going for is a big red mustache and a couple of six shooters aimed at a cartoon rabbit?'"
Stewart moved on to America's least favorite hairpiece. "Of course, no presidential summit is complete without a speech by someone who will never, ever, ever, ever run for president."
"We’ve got to build a fence, and it’s got to be a beauty," Trump said. "Who can build a fence better than Trump? I build. It’s what I do."
Stewart fired back with: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Trump border fence, hotel and casino condominium tower and golf course and wine bar. It’s the best, classiest way to keep Mexicans out that you can imagine. You can take that to the Trump. (That’s what he calls the bank.)"
"Well, that’s it," Stewart told the audience. "It cannot get more entertaining and less electable than Trump."
Ha—next up, Sarah Palin, who Stewart called "the rare brown-haired Alaskan podium-seeker."
"It was all going fine until, tragically, her subjects stopped talking to her verbs,” Stewart said. He described her train wreck of a speech as "the kind of talk you normally hear right before the pharmacist says, ‘Ma’am, you’ve got to leave the Walgreens.’ Now we know what it’s like to get cornered by Palin at an open bar wedding."
Stewart hit on the teleprompter malfunction but said that her improvisation was "not that different from her on script."
The whole segment is hilarious. Watch it below the fold.