The prospect of Hillary R. Clinton running for President has caused the wingnuts to start dusting off their old conspiracy theories. So I'm updating my conspiracy grading system, measured in "Cracks Per Pot," to evaluate the crackpottage of the assorted theories.
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A conspiracy should be rated from one to ten Cracks Per Pot in each of the following categories:
1. Initials. An often-overlooked component. Conspiracies are inherently more sinister if they involve an organization identified only by initials. For instance, few know that ACORN stands for A Criminal Organization Registering Nonpersons, or that EMILY's list stands for Eliminating Men or Imprisoning in Little Yurts. And isn't it suspicious that Hillary Rodham Clinton has the same initials as the Human Rights Campaign?
2. Buzzwords. Wingnuts couldn't find Benghazi on a map, even if said map had more red blinking neon arrows than a Dan Brown storyline. Those same wingnuts can't name one rule connected with Sharia law. They've never come up with any actual offense connected with Whitewater. But their conspiracy theories require at least one buzzword that online commenters can repeat in ALL CAPS, over & over. BENGHAZI!!!!!
3. Funding Source. If you're going to have a secret army rounding up people for FEMA re-education camps, somebody had better be paying them. George Soros is acceptable for an average score, but an unimaginative choice (besides, he's late with my check again). Better to use "the half-cent soda tax that they approved in the election last May." Extra points if there was no soda tax on the ballot last May. Bonus extra points if there was no election.
4. Symbols. A good conspiracy theory should have a catchy symbol, like precious bodily fluids, the Masonic imagery on US currency, or the all-important black helicopter. Because people with the resources to build an entire shadow government couldn't possibly just paint the helicopters another color to disguise them.
5. Technical Plausibility. A good conspiracy theory should strain the limits of possibility, without actually involving time travel or teleportation. For instance, it's possible (and has been argued in at least one wingnut book) that someone shot Ron Brown in the head during his final flight, then crashed the plane to get rid of the witnesses. Of course, shooting him seems monumentally redundant if you're going to crash the plane - he really can only die once - but if you've somehow found an assassin willing to die in the plane crash, it's physically doable.
6. Sinistrosity. Okay, it's not a word, but we need a way to measure how sinister the conspiracy is. Are they just doing something sorta bad, like rounding people up for Death Panels and then burying them in the White House's organic garden? Or something really heinous, like doing background checks on gun owners?
7. Documentation. The conspiracy should be backed up with scary-looking documents such as the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, assorted signed confessions from dead people, or the Gay Agenda (it's stuck to my fridge with a rainbow triangle magnet, if anyone's looking for it). It's acceptable if the documents are unavailable (like the Real Birth Certificate), so long as the conspiracist aggressively asserts that they exist. And of course any existing documents don't have to say what the conspiracist claims they do: all the stories about "Muslim no-go-zones" link to the same police report, which says absolutely nothing about "no-go zones" or Muslim anything.
8. Purpose. This category is optional. You can either come up with a reason that the government is implanting microchips in your dog's dental work, or go with, "They just want to Destroy America." I have never yet heard an explanation for why the overwhelming, landslide majority of climate scientists would create a "hoax" around global warming, and that theory would be much more persuasive if it included claims that the scientists were actually aliens from Pluto (and/or Sweden) trying to make the earth's environment match their own.
9. Number of participants. Sure, it could be one rogue organization like the IRS, but obviously it makes for a better conspiracy if you can come up with reasons to involve the ATF, the ASPCA, Beyonce, Mimes Without Borders, and the Unitarians. It helps if all the participants make a pretty pattern when diagrammed on a chalkboard, with circles and arrows pointing back to the central BENGHAZI!!!
10. The PIE factor. The final factor is based on a secret metric described by the initials P.I.E. Sorry, I could tell you what it stands for - but then I'd have to re-educate you.
On to Top Comments!
From Village Vet:
Commenting on an article by News Corpse, which discusses PolitiFact ranks of various news outlets' distortions of the news, Gooserock makes this comment about Joe Scarborough at MSNBC dragging its own PolitiFact rating down:
"Yes and Generally Erring Toward Support of the rightwing. Joe is mostly useful for warming up your house on a winter's morning, with all the pants flaming the whole time."
Sincerely, Village Vet.
From
a2nite:
Excellent that this comment that could be a diary by LeftHandedMan. I imagine that Chait & Coates have a beef with each other but Chait doesn't get the black American experience as a white man. He wants to punish black people thru Coates because he's so awesome in his white maleness. (From the diary Why is Jonathan Chait crying? by The X.)
From
your humble (if antisocial) diarist:
In Hunter's diary, Rep. Steve Scalise to meet with black leaders in ongoing effort to save his career, Fluffybutt has this advice for the man who once called himself "David Duke without the baggage."
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
1) I favor moving all the investigation and by VClib — 130
2) Somebody Must Have Tipped Them Off...... by snapples — 115
3) It is difficult to understand by Gary Norton — 112
4) Salt Lake City School District: same by middleagedhousewife — 106
5) I only had the pleasure by Barbara Morrill — 102
6) Mary was a lovely person, by Laura Clawson — 93
7) As long as the media over here is corporate-driven by markthshark — 92
8) Very moving by Armando — 83
9) Dear friends by David Nir — 79
10) Thank you, David. by Jen Hayden — 75
11) She has a Master's Degree and wants to start by Leslie Salzillo — 74
12) This what a Police State looks like. by Karl Rover — 73
13) This was one of the most clever Diaries I have by Cruzankenny — 72
14) Yes, that is why the NBA is banned in 27 states. by Roadbed Guy — 68
15) The pendulum will swing, parents will be by coquiero — 67
16) What I saw in that shooting video... by The Termite — 66
17) I'm more inclined to judge the Iranians by Billybones — 66
18) I am so sorry for your loss... by LeviRast — 62
19) We have to do this. It has to be done right by Shaun King — 62
20) A local bank was showing Fox by Merry Light — 61
21) Disagree by bink — 61
22) Yeah by MadRuth — 60
23) Hmm really with Huffpo? by Bluerall — 60
24) It was a gas pipeline. by Bob Johnson — 59
25) That is not true, Jay, and I am angry that you by Leslie Salzillo — 58
26) Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this by Senor Unoball — 56
27) Free at last by officebss — 57
28) Peace and blessings by gchaucer2 — 56
29) Angie, this is from a national press release sent by Leslie Salzillo — 54
30) A moving tribute. by One Pissed Off Liberal — 53
31) Here's what's causing it by FishOutofWater — 53
32) I saw a cop abuse a dog and when by weezilgirl — 53
Photo quilt, courtesy of jotter: