Many of you are very kind to me when I post my diaries (no, not all of you, but you know what they say about apples and barrels), and I hate to get into personal stuff - I've done it only twice before - when I see the pain and difficulties others post about on this site.
Honestly, over the past several years I have handled a lot - and mostly on my own shoulders. As I've diaried here before, I have three young children, and my wife has basically spent the past six or seven years making herself bedridden over depression, anxiety, OCD and hoarding (before she went bedridden). I don't mean this to sound like a joke, but unless we are going somewhere for a family function, she literally doesn't get up, get dressed and leave the house unless she feels she's needed to shop for something (and that's rare).
I'm like a single parent (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I cook all meals, do the laundry, handle bedtime, check homework, and work, all in this environment where my house is stuffed full of crap, which means the house is an absolute mess. Not unsafe, but depressingly messy.
Of course, I'm furious at my wife, and since mental illness has narcissism as its best friend, you cannot rationally get her to understand her own role in this - which frustrates me and has for years - so we fight. Of course, that makes my children innately angry, and they don't know why.
Now - deep breath all - if this was not enough to deal with - late last year I lost a great full time job as a senior level executive (yes, I was a 1%'er) with a good company. I had that job after leaving a very good and cushy job with another company - ON PURPOSE - because one of the previous obsessions of my wife was private school for all three kids, and she would not, could not possibly understand how financial considerations (as in private school meant no savings for a rainy day) was a priority. And I gave in - and went chasing after even more money in the unstable startup world.
Well, two years and two jobs later - when the rainy day arrived (and after I had already been rescued once) there was no savings to wait until another job came along, so I decided to use my specialized and considerable expertise to start my own consulting business - which has worked, but not consistently.
So, let's recap: I have shouldered with very little venting to anybody in my life - my wife's mental illness and its biproducts, the pressure of almost total single parenthood, dealing with health care costs (a biiiig thank you, Obamacare this year!), looking at government support for food, heat, etc.(which is tough), refinancing the mortgage under the new help with mortgages in trouble laws (also tough) going to my family for help (tougher), homework, beautiful children with anger issues, and running a fledgling business (while still looking for another job). I have done all of this without running for advice to anybody, because - frankly - it's all just too upsetting to think about.
But this evening - this evening I throw in the towel, because I just don't know what to do about this:
Apparently, while staying in bed all day, my wife connects with lots of friends from college on Facebook. OK - lots of people do that (never mind the fact that she could lift a finger to help or something) - but through this she has just this week spent hours (like over a dozen of them) on the cell phone (thank you unlimited calling) with some dude she says is a friend of a college friend. She told me his name (a normal name) and that he was a private detective who lived on the West Coast. OK, I know the mutual friend there, and she's OK so that seemed OK.
Of course, that was 12 hours of phone time ago, so tonight I went onto my cell phone carrier's site, just to make sure that we hadn't hit some sort of limit on "unlimited." We hadn't (good), but here's the kicker. The cell phone number attached to the name was an obvious pseudonym (like "I.C. Wiener", but not), and based on the other side of the country. Same number and name, every time, attached to my wife's cell phone with long conversations.
So I did what any smart, savvy, online citizen would do - I googled: The phone number, the name, the state - and I did come up with the number linked to that same name with a legitimate street address. And I also came up with a legitimate name - but not the one she gave me.
I'm concerned. Maybe I shouldn't be - I'm not paranoid by nature - but I'm floored. Who is this guy? What does he want? She's making friends - which means talking to him all about our children, where we live, etc. I'm not afraid of infidelity - it would be a miracle if she got dressed and went downstairs, let alone off for a secret tryst, but what kind of human being lists their cell phone as a pseudonym, and clearly has at least one other, as well. And do I really want him knowing about my family?
I love my children and I love my wife - in spite of all of her difficulties. But this just smells so rotten, I just don't know what to do.
So - I throw it out to my favorite community for thoughts, ideas, advice. Confront her? Ignore it? Go get a restraining order?
Thanks for all of your thoughts - an advance.