(Author's Note: I wrote this when Act 10 was railroaded through the state legislature. At the time I was also authoring articles to my labor blog, learning Adobe Premiere so I could edit the footage I taped of the protests in Madison, and reeling from the Great Recession. I had hoped to cobble together a production crew, obtain monetary support, build sets, hire artists to create the puppets, and post the finished products. I also attempted to eat and sleep at the time. If any of you Wisconsin Progressives are connected to talents who could help turn scripts like this into finished pieces, I'd appreciate hearing from you.)
(Shot of anchorman at news desk)
John: We turn now to Madison, Wisconsin, where large-scale public protest over a controversial Budget Repair Bill has the state's public sector unions locked in battle with the newly-elected Republican governor. Joining me now from his office in the executive mansion is the man at the center of this political firestorm, Governor Sockpuppet Walker. Good morning, Governor.
(Medium shot of Governor Walker sitting at his desk. He is a muppet-like puppet. He is smoking a cigar that is wrapped with $100.00 bills. He is leaning back in his executive chair, his spindly legs crossed and resting on the desktop. Everything in sight is wall-papered over or papier-mached with paper money, i.e., lampshades, books on bookshelf, intercom, desk, chair, etc.)
Walker: 'morning, John.
John: Sorry for interrupting you governor. Your aide said we could have a few minutes to talk...with- Governor, I must say, that is a rather remarkable decorating scheme for the office of a public servant.
Walker: (Puts cigar into an ashtray that is covered in paper money.) You like it, John? My financial therapist said it would help me feel more comfortable with affluence.
John: For a moment I thought I heard you say financial therapist. Is there such a thing?
Walker: It's one of the perks of being a supply-side Republican. And with the sweeping new powers I plan to acquire, I am going to have to be at ease around all these dead presidents (waves a few bills), if ya' know what I mean.
John: Governor, I-
Walker: Check this out, John. It looks like a Cuban cigar, tastes like a Cuban cigar, but HAH! It's wrapped in a couple of McKinley's!
John: You're referring to the five hundred dollar bill, which bears the likeness of our 25th president, William McKinley.
Walker: That's right John. I can smoke these all day log and not feel a twinge of guilt. My therapy is working!
John: Excuse me for saying so governor, but all this misused money does send a strange, perhaps inconsistent message, coming from a man who campaigned on a platform of fiscal responsibility.
Walker: Not to worry, John. No taxpayer dollars were used in the redecorating. You might say some friends of mine donated all of the “materials.” HA-HA-HA-HA, “materials.!” I just learned a new word today, John. “Euphemism.” I love it. I'm gonna use euphemisms whenever I can.
John: I assume by “friends” you mean the Koch brothers, the ultra-right-wing and politically overactive billionaires who donated over one million dollars to Republican PACs during the last election cycle.
Walker: I do, John. It takes piles of money to fund a campaign these days. And my friends the Koch brothers hired my financial therapist. Now I see the futility of wasting time feeling oppressed by the “-ilities” and “thies.”
John: The “-ilities” and “thies?” I don't understand.
Walker: I mean responsibility, accountability, empathy, sympathy. Those are for losers.
John: Governor, that was a remarkably callous statement.
Walker: See, my financial therapy is working! I don't care! Yippee! (Throws money.)
John: Governor, your critics have said that in light of the looming budget deficit, your decision to give some 120 million dollars in tax incentives to business is a recipe for fiscal disaster.
Walker: That's right, John. Happy days are here! Hahaha!!! (Throws more money. Starts to count a fresh pile of it.) You know, John, my financial therapy was really worth it. Get it? “Worth” it! HAHAHA!!! It really paid off! Get it? “Paid off!” HAHAHA!!!
John: Your critics also point out that the euphemistically-named “Budget Repair Bill” was in reality a ploy to bust public sector unions.
Walker: (counting money)...ten thousand, eleven thousand, twelve thousand-
John: And your critics also point out that demanding wage and benefit concessions from the unions amounted to a drop-in-the-bucket's worth of savings. Governor, governor, this savings will do next to nothing to reduce the looming budget deficit. It's projected to rise to some 247 million.
Walker: ...248 million deficit, 249 million deficit, 250 million deficit-
John: Governor, you have yet to offer any concrete plans about how your administration will make good on its promise to create 250,00 new jobs to replace the ones that are gone.
Walker: ...262,000 gone, 263,000 gone, 264,000 gone-
John: Governor, governor, do you have any policies ready to promote retraining of workers, or any shovel-ready projects in the wings to reduce the ranks of the unemployed?
Walker: ...289,000 unemployed, 290,000 unemployed, 291,000 unemployed-
John: Governor. Governor! Please! Can you stop counting your money for a minute and tell us- (Walker's cigar has started a fire.) Governor! Your desk is on fire!
Walker: My money! Help! Somebody help me save my money!
John: Governor, save yourself! Run as fast as your puppet legs will carry you! Call the Fire Department!
Walker: Fire Department! Never! Accept help from a public sector union! Help! Somebody! (Runs around trying to collect money as flames engulf room.)
John: Governor, they're a public-sector service! They're funded by tax revenues and specially trained to respond to situations like this quickly and efficiently! They provide a vital and not-for-profit public benefit that the private sector cannot or will not provide! Governor, save yourself! Oh, the humanity! The puppet-likeness of Republican humanity!
Walker: (Madly trying to gather his money.) Not-for-proft!?!? My money will not be handled by socialists! Help! Help! There must be some Republican legislators willing to help me save this money! We're entitled to it!
John: I'm sorry, governor, but after passing your euphemistically-named “Budget Repair Bill,” the Republican legislators snuck off to a conservative fund raiser in Washington, DC. Please, governor, I beg you, escape while you still can!
Walker: This is horrible! This is almost the worst thing that could have happened!
John: Almost the worst!?!? Governor, your hair is on fire! Run as fast as you can to your puppet-sized bathroom and stick your head under the non-working, puppet-faucet!
Walker: John, there IS something even worse. (Walls are collapsing.)
John: Governor, what could possibly be worse!?
Walker: I didn't finish counting my money. (Resumes running around trying to scoop up money.)
John: Wisconsin Governor Sockpuppet Walker, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back....