A previously unknown species of giant leech has been discovered feeding on the state economy in Wisconsin.
Biologists from the Department of Natural Resources, astounded by the sheer size of the parasite, and its baffling diet, have called in economic specialists to help determine the precise means by which it succors.
Cleaning staff were horrified to find the leech, measuring a full six-feet in length, slouched in a chair behind the executive desk in the Governor's Mansion. The much-swollen parasite was drooling anti-coagulants onto a copy of the proposed state budget.
Bio-economists, experts in a new interdisciplinary field of study, rushed to the scene and declared the oversized sucker a previously unknown mega-species. Given the working taxonomy Walkerbella Abhora, the multi-eyed monster appears to inhabit fetid political ideologies and trickle-down intellectual backwaters.
Noting Wisconsin's historically Progressive political climate, bio-economists determined the freeloader is an invasive species. Early stimulus-response experiments prove that despite the creature's large size, intellectual capacity is on par with normal leeches. The experiments were conducted because of initial reports claiming that noxious emissions from the mouth parts resembled talking points issued by the Club for Growth, a notorious source of GOP legislative pollution.
Despite its extremely limited intellectual capacity, bio-economists are fascinated by the bloodsucker's transient exhibitions of proto-human social interaction. The creature appeared surprisingly sensitive to human voices. When a press conference was held in an adjacent briefing room to announce the discovery, the creature wobbled out of the chair in the executive office and slithered to the podium in the adjoining room. There it interrupted the senior DNR biologist, menacing him with its gaping maw. The leech then extruded a pseudopodia, lowered the microphone, and emitted a series of staccato belches from its mouth parts.
A bloc of Democrats burst into the room and subdued the giant parasite by surrounding it with stacks of economic reform legislation. Though it excreted more noxious odors and belched loudly when confined, the leech recoiled when portions of a bill proposing a new tax bracket on one-percenters and corporations was read aloud. This appeared to weaken the creature enough that a Bio-economist was able to sedate it with a subpoena for illegal campaign coordination.
Asked to explain their sudden appearance and their actions, Democrats replied, “We've been dealing with slime and scum like this for six years. You learn a few things about parasites.” They went on to demand an explanation for how the leech gained access to a high-security site.
“Where's the Governor?” they asked. “Is he safe?”
Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald then stepped forward to announce that the slimy, swollen, putrid parasite now subdued before their eyes was the same creature that took the oath of office twice in the last six years. A gasp rippled through the press corp.
“A metamorphosis,” one senate Democrat muttered, “The last, most logical stage of moral, intellectual and Kafkaesque devolution...All nonessential functions degenerate, putrefy and are sloughed off, leaving a pure expression of base nature.”
“I've read about this in the literature,” said a Bio-economist, “But I never thought I'd live to see it happen. Avaristic devolution. It was just a psycho-economic theory. But it's real.”
A fresh commotion at the podium ensued when a cabal of GOP aides shoved aside the wall of reform legislation and seized the slimy chief executive. They carried the unconscious gelatinous bloodsucker from the room as journalists and Democrats watched, stunned.
You'll have to excuse the governor,” said the Senate Majority Leader, who stood blocking the exit.“He has a very busy schedule.”
“But he can't govern the state in his condition!” shouted one journalist, “He can't communicate! He's incoherent!”
“Let me assure you,” said the Senate Majority Leader, “that the people who support Scott Walker have never seen that as a liability.”
“It's getting away!” shouted one journalist, standing at the window. Several journalists later reported seeing aides slide the giant leech into the executive limo, which sped off in a motorcade. All questions about the governor's whereabouts have since been brushed aside by aides, several of whom were seen sporting CPAC lapel buttons. “He's going to wow them at the conference!” one aide gushed.