From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Week Ahead
Monday Unless Republicans decide to put love of country above petty politics, today is the day America hits the debt ceiling and starts defaulting on its debts. In other words, today is the day America hits the debt ceiling and starts defaulting on its debts.
The mystery of Vladimir Putin's whereabouts is solved when the Russian leader is found under a drunk Secret Service agent's Buick LeSabre in Wichita. This will turn out to be one of the week's weirder stories.
Tuesday Elections are held in Israel. Just before midnight, Karl Rove calls Ohio for Netanyahu.
Tuesday: this.
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The 2015 NCAA college basketball tournament starts. How it works is, 68 teams are whittled down to one. Or, as it's known in New Jersey, Chris Christie's approval rating.
Wednesday Republican governors and Republican-led state legislatures across America call for laws making life more difficult for women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, sick people, the unemployed, teachers, first responders, minority voters and city governments. After lunch they hold a rally condemning the federal government for being too intrusive.
Thursday President Obama welcomes Prince Charles to the White House and both will be eager to share their viewpoints. You might say they'll be all ears Ha Ha Ha!!!! (That joke kills in Boca.)
Due to a glitch in its operating system, an Apple Watch accidentally destroys Earth. Tim Cook says the problem will be fixed in time for the April 10 rollout in an email sent from his iEscapepod.
Friday 6:45pm ET marks the official start of Spring. Or as we say up here in Maine, "That fucking groundhog lied again."
President Obama acknowledges the Persian New Year by sending a wish to the Iranian people for a "Happy Nowruz." Forty-seven senators sign a letter written by Tom Cotton urging the Ayatollah not to accept it because the next president could do takesie-backsies.
Let's go!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 16, 2015
Note: Due to our safety inspectors attending a conference, today's note may contain several harmful strains of bacteria and/or razor-sharp metal shavings. Please refrain from licking your monitor. ---Mgt.
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5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring:
4
Days 'til the
Chicago Beer Festival:
5
Percent of Americans who say they have a lot of confidence in the president and the Supreme Court, respectively:
11%, 23%
Percent who have a lot of confidence in Congress:
5%
(Source: 2014 General Social Survey)
Number of new L.L. Bean stores being planned for the next five years:
74
Factor by which beer sales increase in Maine on St. Patrick's Day:
20
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Number of years besides 2014 when carbon emissions remained stable during a year of global economic expansion, showing the value of growing clean energy usage:
0
(Source: International Energy Agency)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Rover rage
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CHEERS to starting your morning off with a tune. This special little ditty goes out to all those fine youngsters who just got booted from the University of Oklahoma's now-shuttered chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. To the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It":
Everybody clap your hands!
Oh you're racist and we know it, SAE [Clap! Clap!]
Oh you're racist and we know it, SAE [Clap! Clap!]
Oh you're racist and we know it, cuz your video did show it
Oh you're racist and we know it, SAE. [Clap! Clap!]
The rest of the verses are pretty much all cuss words.
JEERS to destroying the institution to save it. Speaking of Oklahoma, here's what the brightest conservative bulbs in the state have come up with in response to gay couples being allowed to get legally married there. They actually passed this in the House:
Look! The gays STOLE Oklahoma!
The bill, sponsored by Republican Representative and human-muppet hybrid Todd Russ, removes the words "marriage licenses" from the list of things the state's court clerks are responsible for. Marriage licenses instead would be issued by any member of the clergy and signed by a court clerk; people who don't want to be married by a clergy member would only be able to obtain an "affidavit of common-law marriage." […]
Rep. Dennis Johnson, who's supporting the bill, agreed, telling the Tulsa World, "Marriage was not instituted by government. It was instituted by God. There is no reason for Oklahoma or any state to be involved in marriage."
Yes. After 108 years of issuing non-religious government-instituted marriage licenses and even scrambling to amend the government's most precious non-religious document known as the "state constitution" in 2004 to "strengthen" government-instituted marriage, Oklahoma is getting out of the marriage business. And now we know what kind of antidote it takes to snap a red state out of a Satan-induced, nothing-to-do-with-gays-really-seriously-we-mean-it secular trance: sour grapes.
That's amore.
CHEERS to the happy couple. Speaking of marriage, congratulations are in order for future wife and husband Bristol Palin and Medal-of-Honor winner Dakota Meyer. Meyer popped the question and
Palin said yuppers. Mom Sarah Palin couldn’t be happier. We're told she's helping to plan for the big day, which will start out with a lovely wedding ceremony at a church followed by dancing, toasts and a bare-knuckle brawl on their neighbor's lawn.
CHEERS to piling on. I don’t put much stock in newspaper editorials these days, but I have to say that watching almost every one in the country hammering Senator Tom Cotton and the 46 Republicans who signed his stupid letter to Iran's Ayatollah is impressive. On Saturday, Maine's largest newspaper, The Portland Press Herald, joined in and gave our contingent a pat on the back:
Senator King is PISSED at the GOP mutineers.
Most observers agree that it was a shocking departure from the American tradition of bipartisan foreign policy, where, in the words of Republican Sen. Arthur Vandenberg, “politics ends at the water’s edge.” The letter was an embarrassment, but at least in Maine we have something to be proud of. Neither Maine senator was ready to risk upending sensitive security talks to make cheap political points. […]
On the floor of the Senate [Angus King] chastised his colleagues, wondering what would have happened if members of Congress had written Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev during the Cuban missile crisis, saying “Don’t listen to this Kennedy guy, he doesn’t speak for us.”
A few of the
"Mutinous 47" have offered lame explanations for why the rest of us are blowing their "cheeky little joke" all out of proportion, but none have actually come out and said, "we blew it." That can mean only one thing: they're making money off it.
"Yer food fer worms, kid!"
JEERS to disastrous Ted talks. Canadian-born Cuban guy who is illegally serving in the Senate and sees commies behind every bush and under every bed Ted Cruz was in New Hampshire yesterday (which explains why the weather turned shitty around here---it's sunny now so he must be gone). He kept yammering on about how "The world is on fire! The world is on fire!!!" and literally
terrified a little girl with his rhetoric. That's okay, kid. He has the same effect on adults, too.
Actual size.
CHEERS to Ol' Shortstuff. Happy 264th birthday to James Madison---at 5-foot-4 our president with the lowest center of gravity. He was our next-to-last Founding Father president (Monroe ended the era after him), and was at the helm when the Star Spangled Banner was written. Pay
your respects here. Preferably under the red glare of some sort of rocket-like projectile.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 16, 2005
JEERS to rolling blackouts. DailyKos went down---zone by painful zone---yesterday. Liquor stores were immediately cleaned out and Krispy Kreme outlets were swamped by chattering Kossacks. In other words, we went about our normal lives. [twitch twitch]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a busy weekend. President Obama is enjoying quite a streak of coolness lately. He won Friday's C&J Who Won the Week poll for his amazing Selma speech, Student Aid Bill of Rights and appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. That same day he checked in on the Phoenix VA hospital and then swung by the town of Gilbert for his sixth visit with Sergeant First Class Cory Remsburg. And then he tossed off a few well-placed zingers Saturday night at the
Gridiron dinner:
President Obama visits with Sgt. 1st Class
Cory Remsburg at his newly finished
home in Gilbert, Arizona.
"You start getting crankier as you get older. Next week, I’m signing an executive order to get off my lawn. And getting older changes you. For example, coffee really disagrees with me these days---which is why John Boehner just invited coffee to address the joint House."
"[Governor] Scott [Walker] has had a few recent stumbles. The other week he said he didn’t know whether or not I was a Christian. And I was taken aback, but fortunately my faith teaches us forgiveness. So, Governor Walker, as-salamu alaykum."
"I really genuinely like John Boehner. But from your press reports, I gather he may be in real trouble. Over the past several weeks, many of you have been writing about a possible conservative coup---or as Bill O’Reilly calls it, 'reporting from the war zone.'"
"I got flak for appearing on a video for BuzzFeed, trying to reach younger voters. What nonsense. You know, you don’t diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. Really, that wasn’t a joke."
Meanwhile, Republican hero Vladimir Putin is in hiding, and other Republican hero Banjamin Netanyahu may be a day away from losing his grip on power. It's good to be the adult in the room.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Almost any American would agree that their core function is to explore Cheers and Jeers. That’s what inspires little boys and little girls across this country."
---Sen. Ted Cruz
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