You’re probably wondering if I’m some 1950’s throwback, or if MOT has been hijacked.
But, please, be polite. Hear me out. Thank you!
I learned manners from my Southern mother. Always stand up when an older person enters the room, say “Please” and “Thank you,” “Yes Ma’am” and “No Sir.” The list was long, and it was hard to keep it all straight as a little kid.
But no matter how lame the hand-made or store-bought gifts I gave my mother were – and there were some really awful ones – Mom always came up with something positive to say that made me feel like I’d given her just what she wanted. I did quickly figure out the truth – if she put it away, she was just being polite and kind. If she actually used it or wore it, she really liked it.
So I learned to listen in conversation to what people said they liked or were interested in, and I’ve surprised more than one loved one or colleague with a gift inspired by an off-hand comment made months or sometimes years earlier. Finding the “perfect” gift is a lot of fun, and the look on the face of the recipient is the best gift of all for me.
Good manners help ease awkward situations and make people feel better. Here are two examples from books and movies:
In “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Atticus tells Scout that the boy she mocked for wanting syrup on his dinner (lunch in much of the rest of the country even then) is her “company,” and she’d made him feel uncomfortable, and why that was wrong.
In “Pretty Woman,” Mr. Morse, played beautifully by Ralph Bellamy, helps Vivian (Julia Roberts) at the dinner meeting when she’s flustered confronting a food that wasn’t covered in her crash course on table manners. He tells her he can never figure out which fork to use either, and picks it up with his fingers.
Manners helped me get through being excruciatingly shy as a little girl (I know – hard to believe, but absolutely true). Manners gave me a formula for what to say, and helped me untie my tongue when meeting new people, or being thrust into unfamiliar social situations.
Manners are also a powerful weapon – something of which Southerners are especially aware. I learned this one by observation. My grandmother was a real champ, and the sweet poison of her manners when she was offended, or out for revenge, was scary to behold.
This came in very handy when I was stuck in the Gym Class from Hell. It was a required class for all freshmen in my high school, and just the bad luck of my fellow sufferers and I that we got the Über Bitch of Über Bitches as an instructor. She had absolute disdain for anyone who wasn’t athletic, and a small overweight girl who had serious diabetes became her main target. She made her cry almost every class.
I came in for my share of abuse because I showed no ability for any sport she was teaching. My first automatic response of “Yes Ma’am” really pissed her off, so I Ma’am-ed her in every sentence, and whenever she called me on it, I’d apologize profusely, and say that my mother insisted on good manners at all times, Ma’am. She hated me almost as much as I hated her, but how could she punish me for being “respectful” and obeying my mother?
She did get her revenge. I made an appointment with my guidance counselor to discuss next year’s class schedule during P.E., because the memo said I could go either during Study Hall or P.E. By that time we were learning Archery. We weren’t provided with arm guards, so I had welts all over my forearm from the bowstring scraping along it as I released the arrow. I truly needed a break from her scathing ridicule of my ineptness.
When I gave her the note excusing me from class, she said she’d flunk me if I left, and I knew she meant it. I might have been able to get it overturned, but I didn’t want to risk a failing grade, or worse, having to repeat her class, so I stayed, and rescheduled my appointment during Study Hall.
I continued to Ma’am her at every opportunity. The first time someone called ME Ma’am, I knew exactly why it pissed her off so much!
Whoopi Goldberg, in one of her routines, tells the story of an out-of-control child on a bus. She says that when the 1960’s Flower Children rejected manners as phony and useless, and just let their own kids “behave naturally,” it created a generation of “Barbarians,” who in turn raised children who are even worse.
I think she was exaggerating some to make her point – and a get a laugh – but the popularity of “Miss Manners” and other etiquette experts suggests that at least some people are reconsidering the usefulness of manners.
What other skill can help you be kind and considerate, get you through those first tense moments at a party full of strangers or a job interview, and can also be used to take a bully down a peg?
This piece was inspired by Joy of Fishes and P Carey, who are especially adept at being tactful and kind in their responses to MOT commenters. Thank you!
How about you? Any manners stories, pro or con? Please.