I have been working on what is turning out to be a very long diary on the DEA and it's war on doctors. I may even end up breaking it up into a couple of diaries. The subject has so much information I have gotten lost in the "rabbit hole" a couple of times clicking from one story to another. Trying to digest and coordinate all of the data I am finding on it. That said I need a break from it. So here goes with another diary on my travels through the hell of pain management and my back trying to kill me.
Last week I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon. Some of you know I have been having additional pain in my right arm and have started to drop stuff like plates, glasses and even cigarettes. Yeah I know I should drop cigarettes for good, don't start please. This pain actually started way back last late May or early June. I talked to my PCP about it at my annual checkup and she suggested I use a brace on my wrist area/ forearm to see if that helped. Well at first the pain was just occasional. I would get a jolt and then it would be weeks or even a month between them. No big deal. I figured it was because I spend 8 to 10 hours a day on the computer. never even entered my mind it was my back starting a new attack on me. ( Dirty little sneak he is, changing up the attacks like that. You would think he was a sneaky special ops warrior changing tactics. ) I did worry it might be the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome. All of us who spend any time on computers know we are at risk for this.
So off I went looking up carpal tunnel on the web. Good news I found that carpal tunnel was nothing like what I was getting. So I put it out of mind with a sigh of relief. Over time it got more and more persistent and it got worse. The pain was sharper than before and was lasting longer even when I was wearing my brace ( BTW you can get a pretty decent wrist brace from Walmart for $0.88. It is like a tight sleeve of stretchy material.) Well with it getting to be more and more persistent I mentioned it again to my PCP and she said I should talk with pain management about it. So I did. They said it could be my back and that it also was definitely not carpal tunnel.
This was the first time I had heard my back mentioned in connection with it. I really had not thought my back was causing it, after all all my trouble was in my lumbar area and that didn't have any way of impacting my arm. I know, I know, with all of my lower back trouble and the diagnosis of Degenerative Disc Disease I should have thought of it. Why not ? After all my upper back had discs that could degenerate just like my lower. I kept track of it better for a couple of months and when I went back to PM they recommended a CT scan to see what was going on.
I have to admit I was getting a little worried. The attacks had intensified lately and were lasting longer as well as hurting a lot more. I was also dropping stuff more and more often. It isn't good to be bringing in burgers from the grill only to see them end up on the floor because they just fell out of your hand. I was also worried about what they would find once the CT scan was done. I started to imagine an upper spine just as screwed up as my lower spine. This could only lead to more pain.
Well it wasn't as bad as I had feared. Yes there was some damage, but it was mostly mild some bulging in the discs at C2,3,4 and 5 No cracked discs. No herniation. At least that they could see. Some of my cervical discs could not be seen well because of something called Beam Hardening. Apparently this is normal when doing a CT scan of the cervical area. It just means that the beam could not get through my shoulder blades as well as it could through other areas.
So now it is off to an MRI and nerve tests. Still worried about all of it. I really do not want to hear anything else about more pain. I really don't know if I could take any more. Hell I have enough pain. I don't want anymore. I don't even want any more surgery if I can help it. I don't know anymore what I want except no more pain. I am really tired of living with it. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to get out of bed on some days because I know I will have to deal with more pain. I can tell when the weather is changing because of more pain. I can tell when the rain will be here and how bad it will be because of more pain. Maybe I should sell my services to the weathermen. I do a better job than they do about predicting the weather.
You want to talk about worried. I got it all. I worry about my job. Can I still do it every day, will they let me continue to work from home etc ? All of it I also worry about paying the bills. A couple of months ago I had a huge hit with one of my first diaries about my damn medical bills. Dang can I ever pay them all down to zip without hitting the freaking lottery ? Where the hell will I get the money to pay for what I have to currently ? Can I get away with robbing a bank ? Well that one is a no brainer I can't run very fast or far so nope I can't. I wonder if the medical care would be better in jail. Actually I know that it sucks there as well so really don't want to go there. What the heck will happen if my job let's me go ? I bust my ass at work. Well okay at home but I am working. Think it isn't hard to sit at a desk for 8 hours ? Try this. Make a nice cushion of some barbed wire with a couple of knives aiming up and volunteer to sit on that for 8 hours. By the time I am done I am ready to cry. Every freaking day. Not one day is ended pain freaking free.
Jump on down past the orange jungle gym go on I dare ya !
More fun at work. I get to help my boss do her job a lot. Not that I am asked for the help it just seems to be dumped on me. I wouldn't mind too much if she would ask but just assuming I can drop everything and spend a day or two in the office to train some people on a process I am just about clueless on is not something I really want to do. Plus spending one or 2 days in the office is going to kill me pain wise. The seats suck and there is no place to go lay down when the pain builds to the point I want to scream. I can see 2 days of extra pain meds needed. The every day pain in my lower back is such great fun and I get to top it off with a nice burning ache in my upper back between my shoulders. OH WHAT FREAKING FUN !!!!!!!!!! Honestly I like my job a lot. It offers me a challenge every day. It gives me a decent living well yeah it could be a lot decenter. Oh kiss my tush all you members of the grammar police. I know it should have been more decent. You think you have seen a rant from me ? Nope not even close. I am still holding back. Just wait for the freaking volcano to blow one day. Should be visible from Mars.
I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hurting constantly and I want it to stop. I can't even spend the afternoon after work blowing up aliens or anything on my Xbox or Nintendo. We got rid of the couch. Heck we got rid of the TV in the living room anyways, long ago to pay some freaking bill. Still have one in the bedroom not that I watch much TV. maybe 2 hours a week. I would much rather read. At least I can still do that laying down. But wait the fun doesn't stop there because lately I have been having lower body spasms. Those are so much FUN !!!! Feeling your whole lower body jerk at once is such a treat. Seems to happen more if I lay on my left side, the side I actually prefer to lay on of course. That's been going on for a long time, it's getting worse, now they are happening while I am sitting. They cause my legs to jerk and hit the back of the desk. Oh what fun just more pain. Think you know what frustration is ? Yeah keep guessing. Frustration is not being able to play with your fur babies when they want to play. Used to love that. Frustration is trying to stand at the counter to cook a meal and within five minutes you have tears running down your face because the pain is just so freaking bad. Frustration is watching your garden that you loved to work in become over grown and running wild and looking like CRAP and knowing you can't do squat about it. Frustration is watching the weeds take over and your plants die because you can't tend them anymore. Frustration is all of it rolled into a nice big ball and shoved down your throat because your body has decided to crap all over you. Frustration is looking forward to doing something with your wife and then the day comes and you can barely get out of bed. Frustration is not being able to ride roller coasters again even though you love them and you used to go on vacations to places just so you could ride new ones. Frustration is not being able to walk through a museum anymore because your body will crap out before an hour is up.
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can't. Life can be perfect. You find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and it didn't happen early and you didn't get a chance to do the stuff you love together longer then your body says sorry. It is over. No we are still together I did not mean it that way. I meant that all the fun stuff we used to do is completely GONE. No more. Think for a moment about that. Kind of makes everything a lot less fun for sure. No more fun car trips. Heck spending time in a car sucks for anything over 20 minutes and that includes trips to PM to get my refills. Even shopping trips are a no no. I can barely make it through one store now let alone three like we do every two weeks to do our grocery shopping. So sorry if I am a little cranky, a little frustrated and a little mad. Tough luck deal with it. I do every freaking DAY !