I'm a fan of David Futrelle's blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which cheerfully mocks misogynists in their assorted forms: "men's rights activists" who are convinced women are out to steal their sperm for the child support, GameGhazi loons, and self-proclaimed pickup artists who talk about women as kitchenware, among other things.
One of the would-be pickup artists has decided to embrace poetry as a means of charming the Vagina Units - er, ladies. Futrelle offered some samples, and, well, To His Coy Mistress it isn't. I try not to be too cruel on the subject of misspellings, but dude: roses have petals, not pedals.
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So I thought I'd try my hand at some of my own pickup poetry. Let me know if any of you feel a tingle from reading this: I may want to market it to pickup artists under an assumed (male) name.
One of the standard PUA techniques is "Negging:" trying to make a woman feel insecure about her attractiveness so that she'll seek your approval. Maybe the guy who tried it on me should have made it rhyme:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You'd look really cute
With a different hairdo!
Nope, still not feeling it.
Maybe something a little more Shakespearean:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's lay?
Give me your number, we'll go on a date.
Your ratio of waist-to-hip is...... Hey!
Where are you going? Don't leave yet! No, wait!
No, I think it needs something that adequately conveys the tedious repetition of hearing the same lines over & over. A
pantoum would be ideal, but a tad ambitious for this topic, so I offer a villainous
villanelle instead.
In the beginning, first there was the word:
Hey baby! What's your number? What's your name?
They say the pen is mightier than the sword.
You hope she's lonely, insecure, or bored.
You badger, guilt-trip, neg, arm-twist, slut-shame.
In the beginning, you hope, will be words,
Then actions, till you've snared her like a bird.
You see a spirit that you'd like to tame,
And think the pen is mightier than the sword.
Your fantasy, however, gets ignored.
She's heard it and to her it's all the same,
From the beginning to the final word.
If you don't want to come off full of merde,
Stop treating sex as a one-winner game.
The pen, it may be mightier than the sword,
But this is not a battle. If she'd heard
Some human feelings, that might light a flame.
Begin to act like there's more here than words:
She'd think the penis mightier than the sword.
Never mind. Let's just skip to Top Comments.
From CWinebrinner:
This comment by Sully28443 was a late reply to my comment (I think in reply/addition to my signature line) on this diary, but it deserves some serious recognition.
One of the best things we can do to block the right wing machine is to make our voices heard to our neighbors, and the best place to do that is on the local government level. Sully28443 points that out beautifully.
From my Top Comments co-conspirator,
Puddytat:
Indycam has a great suggestion for Popeye's Chicken now that they've fired a pregnant worker for handing over cash in a robbery. Of course, she was fired because she didn't pay Popeye's back for the cash lost in the robbery. Another evil business now goes on my Do Not Patronize List.
On top of that one, Indycam took ANOTHER snarky stab at Popeye's here, so I'm recommending this one, too (with glee).
From
Angie in WA State:
this comment by bulldawg in this diary by Barbara Morrill.
Sometimes you just know it's a Top Comment. This was one of those times.
#bwahahahahahaha
Thanks TC Team for pumping out those TC Diaries EVERY DAY!
-angie
From
greenbird:
kinda special one this time: it's about that TPP Petition to WH - and clock's ticking!
i signed, but we need many more before it expires ... and if this doesn't qualify as a top comment, i'll nominate my own self with this comment i'm sending !!
bird
(Comment is from Mystic Michael, in Lefty Coaster's diary Obama slams Warren over opposition to TPP making claims that can't be verified in secret treaty.)
From
ZenTrainer:
This is a good one.
(Comment is from DoReMI in peregrine kate's diary Michigan/ Motor City Kossacks Weekly open thread.)
From
your humble(if antisocial) diarist:
Barb Morrill's diary Ted Cruz and the funny magical hymen, referenced above by Angie, attracted some hilarious (and frequently NSFW) comments. Recalling Cruz's previous stunt with Green Eggs & Ham, Illinois Soccer Mom offered her own poetic contribution.
And in Kerry Eleveld's diary Rubio's staff meets with gays but won't confirm it, Trix issues a wry warning.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
1) I'm with Warren by gchaucer2 +174
2) Take kids from anyone who has some wine by merrywidow +85
3) Good riddance by Hammerhand +78
4) Terrible Blow to Be Losing Bush Hirees. by Gooserock +77
4) They probably wouldn't by dconrad +77
6) If it'd been Jon Stewart who said she was wrong... by Trix +74
7) All Klawiter's crowdsourced money was pulled. by zenbassoon +71
8) Those damn poor, I hear some of them have by ontheleftcoast +66
8) My gaydar says 3 by Lib Dem FoP +66
10) They have a plan... by NorthBronxDem +63
11) As a person who suffers by Steven D +62
12) It's a lot more serious than your diary suggests by mconvente +61
12) Lynchings in Blue by Dallasdoc +61
14) 1,500,000 by MrJayTee +58
14) Okay. This disqualifies him immediately: by HappyinNM +58
14) You know who needs to see this? by Mogolori +58
17) What Insane Abuses Of Power Drug Laws Have by leonard145b +57
18) White privilege is so awesome for whites only by a2nite +56
19) "danger to the child" by Hammerhand +55
20) to quote myself: by raptavio +53
20) Wonder if he had an attorney. by Publius2008 +53
22) The blu klux klan kills another black man by a2nite +52
22) The Times trying to destroy its reputation? by Bill W +52
24) Very well put. by smoothnmellow +49
24) If her son had found a loaded handgun ... by Tony Seybert +49
26) There's an image of FOX News with some text by ontheleftcoast +48
27) Unfortunately, by skohayes +46
27) I really despise by gchaucer2 +46
27) We are working on a legal defense fund by tmservo433 +46
27) His true colors are showing by The Dead Man +46
Picture quilt, courtesy of jotter: