Right now, the nations eyes are on the Supremes, wondering how they are going to rule on two same-sex marriage laws. The High Court has two questions to answer: Can states ban same-sex marriages? And can states that ban same-sex marriage refuse to recognize the marriages of same-sex couples legally married in another state?
Organizations like The American Family Association, Focus on the Family, and other groups completely oblivious to their ironic use of the word family in their titles, are frothing at the mouth, terrified that by some act of that Liberal Satan, the Supremes will rule in favor of the plaintiffs, thus forcing them to make cakes and serve pizza to gay people.
Yet as desperate as they are to stop gay marriage, they ignore the fact that they're already IN a gay marriage. So if gay marriage is ruled illegal, they are going to have to stop being Christians.
Their holy book, the Bible, is all about a giant old Queen in the sky who demands to be worshiped and adored and "loved," above everyone else. And anyone that doesn't comply will "feel his wrath." That's right, he will lift his nose at you in a snit and walk away. And this is God's comparison, not mine.
If you're ever in the mood to read some really weird kink-porn, start with Ezekiel 16. Here God compares Israel to a woman, and God, her lover. The story opens with God, walking through a field and happening upon a baby girl who had been abandoned at birth, still in her blood, and her umbilical cord had not even been cut. God picked her up and cleaned her off. He apparently left her with someone because later he says, “I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love.”
Now cue the boum-chic-a-bow-bow: God bathes her, washes her, puts ointments on her, and penetrates her.
As creepy as it is, this story might also explain why Christians have such a difficult time grasping the concept of rape. But who am I to speculate.
A few books down the road, we come to Hosea, who also tells a similar story, but somewhat sinister. Cue the scary soap-opera music: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14
But wait, there's more. Let's not forget the bible's Karma Sutra: The Song of Songs. Thee most erotic book in the Bible. For Christians, it is romance novel of God and the church. One pastor put it like this: “It’s a love story turning sensuality in upon our spiritual senses. It’s the passionate love Christ has for a maturing believer.”
That's right, mamma's heatin' up!
But let's not forget the big kahuna himself... In parables, Jesus called himself the bridegroom to the bride. Saint and homophobe Saul-turned-Paul cleared it up so it was more than just a parable. He called his followers the "Bride of Christ."
Then there's that last book, the book that turns bestiality on its head (which might offer more insight into Christians obsessions with marrying their pets). The book of Revelation demands that God's people approach him as 'virgins.' “These are they which were not defiled with women for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb wherever he goes: Rev.14:4-5.
So here's the bottom line (no pun intended). If you're going to follow this God, you must be willing to take on the mantle of the “bride,” the “female,”… the “bottom.” Not that there's anything wrong with bottoms, some of my best friends are bottoms.
God is most definitely the male, and he woos, lures, “exposes," and finally, “penetrates."
If the Supreme Court rules against gay marriage, The Christian relationship with God will now potentially be illegal in some states... ironically, the very states that are ruled over by God's Bottoms.