From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I'm Feeling Haikuish
Carly, Huck and Ben
So many hats in one ring
Jeb revs Steamroller
Century-old man
Nepal quake says: time's up, gramps
Reply:
not yet, bub
Loaded pistol sits
in Capitol bathroom stall
Gift from Glock Fairy?
This trade treaty rocks!
But you can't ever see it
It would melt your face
Finally! Feels like spring
Leopard thong snaps into place
Down go neighbor's blinds
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Note: Today is random drug test day. Please randomly test some drugs today. Together, we can make a difference. ---Mgt
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
election day in Britain:
2
Days 'til the
Whole Earth Festival at UC Davis:
3
Number of servicemembers who experienced unwanted sexual contact in 2014, a drop of 27 percent from 2012:
18,900
Number of men in that figure, most of whom categorize the behavior as "hazing" rather than "sexual acts":
10, 400
(Source: Pentagon-commissioned Rand study)
Consumer confidence index score for April:
95.9
Number of months since 2007 that the index has been this high:
1
(Source: University of Michigan)
Official winter 2014-15 snowfall total for Portland, Maine:
94.5"
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Where geniuses prowl.
SAVING PRIVATE AMERICA .. FROM THOSE ELECTED TO RUN IT The answer is voter qualification laws based on knowledge and not age combined with Progeny Laws. Unfortunately, secularist anti-God liberals calling themselves 'progressives'
today... have swayed elections since the 1960's with the advent of voter laws. Two things the United States needs to do to remain a unified nation...
1). Implement voter qualification laws. Anyone who can pass the test I can write... at any age... votes. 2) Implement Progeny Laws regulating who has children, how many, when and under what circumstances. Our inner cities would be again pristine as when built if
since 1960 such laws were on the books and strictly enforced. These are the two laws necessary to prevent a nation from those elected to run it and thus prevent it from... imploding.
---John Urciolo, a "Top Commenter" at TownHall
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Retro Derby prediction
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CHEERS to comic relief, JEERS to nuttiness beyond belief. Oh joy…we're gonna need three more lecterns at the Republican debates, thanks to the announcements of a trio of candidates. In no particular order…
Handy layout tip: make sure your
photo supports your story's content.
Carly Fiorina: She drove Hewlitt Packard into the ground and produced the "demon sheep" ad when she ran against Barbara Boxer for Senate. As president, she'll hate on the gays, ignore the environment, deem women "equal enough," expand income inequality, war-zoneify the border and prove hapless on foreign policy.
Ben Carson: He's a brain surgeon who thinks the Affordable care Act is worse than slavery. As president, he'll hate on the gays, ignore the environment, deem women "equal enough," expand income inequality, war-zoneify the border and prove hapless on foreign policy.
Mike Huckabee: He's the former Arkansas governor and preacherman who got his own Fox News show and created a shockingly horrible series of children's DVDs on American history. His best bud is Ted Nugent. As president, he'll hate on the gays, ignore the environment, deem women "equal enough," expand income inequality, war-zoneify the border and prove hapless on foreign policy.
Such diverse agendas---so hard to choose! Meanwhile, Ohio Governor John Kasich is making some noise about his intention to run. Last month he said that it all depended on
getting a green light from God. Now he's getting teased for saying it all depends
on getting a green light from money. Said Kasich to his critics: "What, it's against the law to use synonyms?"
Go, Puebla! We love all y'alls!
CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo. Today is the one day a year when we can legally re-enact the
Battle of Puebla using live ammunition. At Casa de C&J we'll observe our usual custom of planting a Mexican flag in our neighbor's yard and then taking them prisoner. Finally, after beating our Archduke Maximilian piñata (now on sale at Costco in convenient 1862-packs) senseless, we'll dig in to some nachos so we can revel in, of course,
an authentic Irish experience. To mark the occasion, Iowa Congressman Steve King will walk around with
cantaloupes strapped to his calves. That's why we call him Mr. Subtle.
JEERS to local control for me but not for thee. Before Maine Teapublican Paul LePage became our disastrous governor, he was the mayor of the town of Waterville and he jiggled like a bowlful of angry jelly whenever he felt like the state government was trying to erode his local decision-making ability. But that was then, this is now, and Governor LePage says that Mayor LePage needs to sit down and shut up:
"Everybody shut up! I'm trying to
count on mah finguhs."
The LePage administration and business groups urged lawmakers Tuesday to prohibit Maine cities and towns from enacting local minimum wages that are higher than the state’s minimum wage, something that’s now being considered in Portland and Bangor.
The proposal prompted a lively debate about “local control” on the day that mayors of several of Maine’s largest cities accused Gov. Paul LePage of eroding the partnership between state and local governments. […] “It just seems to me like this bill really is the ultimate in taking any kind of local control away from a municipality,” said Rep. Anne-Marie Mastraccio, D-Sanford.
Bellowed Mayor LePage: "You're damn right!" Bellowed Governor LePage: "Kiss my butt and go to hell!" I'm starting to believe the rumors that he and his wife sleep in separate bedrooms.
CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association was formed 169 years ago today. Medical professionals from 22 states and 28 medical schools attended to hear such topics as: "How to Smoke a Stogie Properly Over an Open Wound," "Why Drugs Will Never Replace A Good Arsenic Tincture" and Ether: Your Trusted After-hours Frenemy. On their first day they unanimously approved the association's motto which is still in place today: "E pluribus 3 O'clock tee time."
The winner gets a toilet
seat covered with roses.
CHEERS to the two-minutiest two minutes in sports. Do you realize that if you'd bet the farm on "American Pharaoh"
to win the 2015
Churchill Downs Drunks 'N Floppy Hats Horse Show Saturday, you'd now have
three farms??? You could never run that many farms by yourself. The bookkeeping alone would probably kill ya if the hay-baling didn't. And that's what I keep telling myself before I go to bed every night to keep me from killing myself for not betting the farm on "American Pharaoh."
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 5, 2005
CHEERS to democracy in action. Britain holds its elections today. And just as Americans gave George Bush a pass on the Iraq debacle in November, so too will the stiffupperlippians give Prime Minister Tony Blair---despite new evidence the war was illegal---a resounding, "Eh, why not." But don't be expecting any invitations for tea from the commoners anytime soon, Sir Earl of Lapdog.
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And just one more…
JEERS to technical difficulties. Oh, Texas, what are we going to do with you? As if the Muslim-extremist-baiting conference and the paranoid freakout over a U.S. military takeover of the state republic weren't bad enough, there's the Georgetown city councilman who excused himself to take care of nature's call and forgot to turn his mic off, prompting an acute case of the giggles on the part of the Mayor as she was trying to discuss the somewhat serious topic of infectious diseases:
But the worst part is that the councilman returned to his seat in a supersonic eleven seconds after he flushed. Words of advice if you see him out on the campaign trail shaking hands: just smile and wave.
Oh, and Willie Nelson is on The Daily Show tonight. I hear that if you sit close enough to your screen you'll get a contact high. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Cheers and Jeers is the educational equivalent of Time Warner Cable. Either you’ve never had an interaction with it and don’t care, or it's ruined your fucking life.”
---John Oliver
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