This will taste like fucking champagne!
FIFA, the organization that sounds the most like the name of a purse dog. It's not Fifi, it's FIFA.
You may remember last year we examined what an appalling organization FIFA is—treating countries that hold the World Cup like cash machines, practically enforcing their own rule of law, generating billions of dollars and yet, somehow remaining a non-profit.
Now, despite the almost dictionary definition of corruption, they've escaped any significant prosecution for decades. But that all ended on Wednesday.
(News clips of FIFA executives being arrested in Switzerland)
I don't know what I'm more surprised by—that FIFA officials were actually arrested or that America was behind it. It took the country that cares the least about football to bring down the people who have been ruining it. That's like finding out that Ke$ha arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud. Wow, Ke$sha! I actually did not think this was an interest of yours! But you've been undeniably effective. Tenacious prosecution.
It's not just the fact of the arrests that were spectacular, it's how they were carried out.
(News clips of FIFA officials being led out of the hotel behind hotel sheets)
Oh! That is perfect. Because hotel sheets are very much like FIFA officials, they really should be clean, but they are actually unspeakably filthy and deep down, everybody knows that.
Later in the segment, John issued a challenger to the sponsors of FIFA.
The problem is, all the arrests in the world are going to change nothing if (Sepp) Blatter is still there. Because to truly kill a snake, you must cut off its head. Or in this case, its asshole. But if America keeps driving this investigation (crowd cheers), this is important! If American keeps driving this investigation and actually finds something to indict him, I don't think you understand how much that would mean to everyone on earth. The whole world's opinion of America would change overnight.
Let me put this in terms you might understand. If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock-up Donald Trump, you would think "holy shit! The Dutch are awesome! What a country!" That is what is on the table for you, America.
And if you won't do it, the last hope to get rid of him is in the hands of only group even more powerful than world governments.
(News clips of how money to FIFA is still flowing from sponsors like Nike and if they started backing away, Blatter would support)
Exactly! The only people with the power to get rid of Sepp Blatter are FIFA's sponsors, these companies:
And I would like to make a plea to them tonight—please, make Sepp Blatter go away.
I will do anything. Adidas, I'll wear one of your ugly shoes. McDonald's, I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that's been cursed by a vindictive wizard. And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice—Budweiser. If you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I'm serious! It can be a Bud Light. It can even be a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver dumpster. But I will do it! I will drink one, maintaining eye contact with the camera and I will say it was delicious. Because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like fucking champagne!
See the full segment, in which John Oliver destroys FIFA's terrible record on human rights and corruption: