From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Just to clear something up
This is not the
tropical storm Bill I ordered. I specifically called for a brief shower of Skittles, then a gentle tornado that fluffed everybody's pillows and dissipated into a rainbow surrounded by cotton candy clouds,
not this monstrosity. I have it in writing. Somewhere.
On the phone with customer service now. This is bullshit.
Sorry.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Note: Today is Eat Your Vegetables Day. Santa Claus will be monitoring you for compliance via satellite and putting your name on the appropriate list for future reference. If you really want to see that Hammacher Schlemmer hovercraft under the tree in six months, eat up. ---Mgt.
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Portland, Maine
Pride parade:
3
Days 'til the
Electric Forest Festival in Rothbury, Michigan:
8
Percent of Americans who support and oppose abortion rights, respectively:
50%, 44%
(Source:
Gallup)
Number of additional Honda vehicles being recalled because of concerns over the safety of their air bags:
1 million
John Ellis Bush's favorability among hardcore conservatives:
32%
President Obama's and Congress's current favorability rating, respectively:
45%, 12%
(Source: PPP)
Percent chance the first Hollywood movie to show a
toilet being flushed was Hitchcock's
Psycho in 1960:
100%
(Source: NPR)
NBA Finals
Golden State beats Cleveland 4 games to 2 to win its first title since 1975.
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 180 (including 4 nuclear nations and 1 God showing His love through terrorism). Soul Protection Factor 32 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meet the three new members at the AKC…
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CHEERS to an impressive debut. Before he announced his candidacy, Donald "The Donald" Trump claimed he had a secret plan for defeating ISIS that would be "very beautiful." Yesterday, as he became the first contender in presidential history to make his entrance via an escalator, this happened:
"Release the kraken, bay-bee!"
Kurdish fighters took full control of a key town on the Syria-Turkey border Tuesday, dealing a major blow to ISIS by cutting off a vital supply line to its self-proclaimed Syrian capital, Raqqa. […] The takeover of Tal Abyad marks the biggest setback yet to ISIS, depriving it of a direct route to Raqqa for foreign militants and supplies. The defeat is a stunning reversal of fortunes for ISIS, which only last month captured the provincial capital of Ramadi in Iraq's Anbar province and the historic town of Palmyra in central Syria.
Holy shit, you guys. That
is very beautiful. And it's just a taste of Trump's master battle plan. Stay sharp, Bernie Sanders. My eye might start wandering toward the giant muskrat with the spray-on tan.
P.S. A late-breaking development from Monday's announcement by presidential candidate John Ellis Bush. His brother, George W. Bush, officially sent his congratulations on a scrap of painter's canvas slipped under the door of the tool shed he's locked inside of until November 9, 2016. Jeb said thanks, and then ordered a second tool shed to be built around the first one.
CHEERS to Billy's wild guesses. Today's wild guess: President Obama was not in a good mood when this pic was taken:
Just a wild guess.
CHEERS to the beginning of the end. Forty-three years ago today, five burglars were arrested inside DNC headquarters at the Watergate complex:
Bugging the petty cash
drawer, guys? That's low.
They possessed burglary tools, cameras, film and pen-size tear gas guns. In rooms the men had rented at a motel across Virginia Avenue from the burglary scene, police found electronic bugging equipment.
Three of those arrested were Cuban exiles and one was a Cuban-American. Their leader was James McCord, a former CIA agent and a security coordinator for President Richard Nixon’s Committee for the Reelection of the President. Prosecutors also charged E. Howard Hunt Jr., a former White House aide, and G. Gordon Liddy, a CREEP finance counsel, as accomplices.
It was the start of a chain of events that led to Nixon's resignation, punctuated by the now-shocking notion that prominent members of Nixon's own party would help drag the scandal into the sunlight instead of burying it in the backyard under a smokescreen of spin and faux-outrage at Democrats. When the crisis had passed, Republicans paused a moment to reflect on the fact that they'd done something right and honorable...and vowed to never do it again because it felt icky.
The real me.
JEERS to the dark side of the loon. I'm trying to follow the saga of Rachel Dolezal, the now-ex-president of the Spokane NAACP who started life as white but decided to color her skin and kink her hair and become "black" in all but DNA. If she wants to do that and it's not offensive to the black community, then God bless her. But she flat-out lied about the identity of her dad,
who is as Caucasian as the day is long. Having said that, I admit I'm in no position to Judge Ms. Dolezal, as I myself have occasionally misrepresented my background. So, before the press starts hounding me, let me just say: my roots are embedded more in the Zermatt region of Switzerland, not the Zurich region of Switzerland, and to fool people I pawned my Alpine horn so I could buy a banker's lamp. Having now admitted that...I resign.
JEERS to one more painful reminder of the Gipper's legacy. Twenty-nine years ago today, on June 17, 1986, President Reagan announced the retirement of Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger. His brilliant replacement, who never met a square conservative argument he couldn't stuff into a round constitutionally-dubious hole:
To mark the occasion, today corporations will take turns buying him anything he wants.
CHEERS to today's edition of "They Say That Like It's A Bad Thing!" Today's softball is provided by Craig James of the Family Research Council, who says:
"The whole homosexual movement is really like a religion and the religion is sex and they worship their own genitals.”
This has been another edition of
"They Say That Like It's A Bad Thing!"
CHEERS to William's Words of Warfare Wisdom. The Battle of Bunker Hill was fought 240 years ago today. Many lessons of warfare were learned that day. For instance, the colonial minutemen learned that their steely-eyed resolve and unconventional tactics could do real damage to the British. And what did the British learn? Mostly that red uniforms are a really, really dumb idea.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 17, 2005
CHEERS to Bush's crumbling mandate. Yesterday the House---in an amazing act of open defiance against the Preznit---ruled that the government can't look at your library records or book store receipts. But it was only a partial victory---whatever's under your mattress is still fair game.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to President Quick Draw McSlappy Paw. On June 17, 2009, President Barack Hussein Obama single-handedly stopped an attack on American soil…in fact, he stopped an attack on the very heart of our government. Remember? The culprit was an invader who flew in under the cover of darkness while the Secret Service was off drinking and whoring---a grotesque, hairy, devious, foul-mouthed creature intent on sucking the life out of the homeland. But Obama was onto the plan, and slapped it down with ruthless speed and efficiency. In fact, it was caught on tape…
The republic endures.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
We will not play music that contains profanity or vulgarity. We will not support a new teen dance style called "freaking." We will not tolerate provocative dancing or actions. We will not participate with strippers or be involved in any event with strippers. We will not be involved in any event with fortune tellers, psychics, or magicians. We will not be involved in any event that celebrates Halloween. We will not be involved in any event involving homosexual celebration or activity. We follow biblical morality. We do not work in Cheers and Jeers.
---Ultrasound DJ Service
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