A set of internal Shell Oil documents revealed how the oil giant has flawlessly executed a series of operational and public relations triumphs as they prepare for drilling in the Arctic this summer.
Last week's simulation of stranding and recovering a drilling rig in the Puget Sound is just the latest addition to their winning streak. As the Polar Pioneer set out from Seattle for the Arctic Ocean, sHell personnel decided to practice recovering the rig from a potential grounding. "The calm waters of Puget Sound in the summer are a perfect match to Arctic conditions," an internal memo notes.
The drill tested out all aspects of sHell's operation including communications. "The public relations team responded magnificently, nimbly rolling out a description of how the rig was calibrating its compass. A prompt and well-coordinated communication effort was essential to swat away nonsensical statements from extreme environmentalists that the grounding was accidental."
Other press releases celebrated sHell's use of advanced TideChart © technology to free the rig by making adept use of the rising tide. Respected environmental analyst Bill O'Reilly chimed in. "Tide comes in, tide goes out, regular as clockwork. This is proof that God wants sHell to drill in the Arctic. There's no other explanation."
The excellent communication effort underscores sHell's commitment to public health. "Anxiety is a proven source of health impacts," a sHell executive notes. "We have a civic duty to the public to reduce any exaggerated worries about the destruction of our climate or environment. Our job is to reduce worry and thus protect everyone's health."
The confidential sHell documents, which were leaked like a corroded oil pipeline exclusively to this reporter, provide a treasure trove of sHell's impressive internal planning and execution.
Last week's operation is just the latest great success in a run that has left others in the industry envious and awestruck.
In December 2013, sHell successfuly demonstrated that an
oil rig could be smashed upon the rocks of the Arctic coast in the middle of winter without spilling notable quantities of oil.
The year before, an exercise reached out to a key demographic with a thrilling crushed like a beer can demonstration of crumpled oil spill response gear. "This promotion scored very well with NASCAR Dads," a memo notes. "In the Seattle area, we interviewed all three of them and they were univerally positive. The crushed beer can ball caps were a hit."
Still, an operation such as last week's compass calibration drill is not without risks. One mid-level manager misinterpreted a press release to mean that his organization should recalibrate its moral compass.
Fortunately the error was spotted quickly, and that former manager was last seen polishing his resume on LinkedIn. As one of the documents notes, "If such a moral recalibration had advanced any further within sHell, our efforts to drill in the Arctic could have been set back by several years, or even permanently impaired."
What's the next action for one of the great companies in the world? Only limited hints are available, but one memo spoke of designing the optimal size for a test spill, possibly to be done later this summer. The memo reads in part:
It's important to accidentally release just the right amount of oil into the Arctic Ocean, so that we can show only limited effects on wildlife, at least that can be seen. And the first spill gets people used to the idea and helps them corectly visualize the Arctic as an industrial zone rather than as a pristine wilderness. After a few carefully calibrated spills, everyone will know that the Arctic is pretty much the same as Baytown or Plaquemine, and nobody will care any more. And that will be great for our business."
Notes:
Debra D'Angelo posted the idea of linking the Polar Pioneer's alleged compass calibration with the prospect of sHell recalibrating their moral compass.
Chris Mosetick facetiously suggested that sHell might have grounded the Polar Pioneer on purpose.
I poached the graphic of the Polar Pioneer's position on its hapless journey around Elliott Bay from Fred Felleman. Please support Fred Felleman - Environmental Leadership for the Port of Seattle
Top image of the Polar Pioneer from The Backbone Campaign, a leader in artful activism.
Closing Image of Polar Pioneer with child in foreground copyright Paul J Howell.
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