I keep hearing over and over again about the "Deep Bench" the Republicans have going into the 2016 Presidential primaries. And I'm not just talking about the RNC sycophants over at cluster Fox. Even on "mainstream outlets" like ABC and CNN, senior Republican strategists and thinkers gush poetic over the wide range of experience, diversity and original ideas brought to the table by the candidates. Kind of like a conservative Golden Corral Presidential buffet. But I'm kinda feeling snarky today, so follow me below the orange Republican "straight talk" double helix for a quick look at some of the ideological hot plates available at the buffet table.
Welcome back Kossacks. Below, in no particular order, are the recognized candidates with a quick snippet of their "deep well" of thoughts and ideas for progress.
* Sarcasm alert!!! Multiple comedic translations and opinions ahead!!!
Dr. Ben Carson :I'm black, I'm a conservative, I'm a rich physician NOT a pizza magnate, and my watch is identical to the one that the dude who runs ISIL wears.
George Pataki :I'm not actually running, I'm just out there in the hopes that American Express revives its "Do you know me?" ad campaign.
Bobby Jindal :The HELL with the legislature, on my first day as President, I'll sign a discriminatory "Religious Rights" executive order to ensure that we chase the few remaining progressive corporations and whatever few remaining good paying jobs there are left in this country overseas with everybody else.
Rick Santorum :Come on guys, I'M the one who came in second last time! You know the rules, it's MY turn this time around!!!
Carly Fiorina :I'm the only woman running who isn't named Hillary. And yes, I got fired from my last job, but if you take away the myriad of lost jobs and the tanked stock price, I actually did pretty good. If elected, I think a merger between the U.S. and Haiti would be a good thing for all concerned.
Rick Perry :I'm not on pain medications for my back this time around, I have cool glasses that make me look like an associate professor at a community college that is NEVER going to get tenure, and just forget about that silly criminal indictment back in Texas, the "fix" is in.
Jeb Bush :I am NOT my brother, I am my OWN man. And that's why I will hire and listen to every last twisted, brainless shithead that made my brother the most scorned and reviled President in at least the last 100 years. Oh, and my wife is Mexican, "habla espanol". *wink
Mike Huckabee :I'm a racist, misogynist, homophobic preacher from a southern state. I have previous experience at this stuff, and in such good shape that the one suit from my previous campaigns still fits! What's not to vote for?
Scott Walker :points finger Two words. Koch. Brothers. Need I say more? wink
Rafael "Ted" Cruz :I'm an American dammit! I signed a piece of paper saying I wasn't a Canadian no more, cuz I got a better gig going now. And I will win the nomination, because every time I lose a primary, I'm going to shut down the DHS until they do a recount and get it right. And if I don't like the way the debate is going, I'll just read "Green eggs and ham" from the podium.
Chris Christie :Look, this is Jersey. Forget all that "bond rating downgrade" shit, I'll get the state budget money from "Louie the Lip" if I have to, he owes me more than one. And I know you'll vote for me, because if you DON"T, then buddy, your daily commute is gonna be a freakin' NIGHTMARE! Now, siddown and shaddup!
Lindsey Graham :This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when John McCain forgets to lock my cage door at night. First Sarah Palin, and now ME! Thanks again John!
Rand Paul :I'm pro prison reform, anti interventionist, critical of my own party, and piss everybody off. My secret strategy to the nomination? The "Paul Doctrine". Hijack the state Republican parties one by one, and rig the rules.
Marco Rubio :I'm a Cuban American, so THERE! I did a Brian Williams on the circumstances surrounding my family's immigration story. And I'm easy to recognize, I'm the one with the wet forefinger up in the air, testing the breeze before I start flopping around like a trout on the bottom of the boat.
Donald Trump :I'm RICH dammit! I'm an ignorant, buffoonish amoralist, multiple bankrupt "reality star" who could buy and sell you! I got plans to fix EVERYthing, but as Ann Romney used to say; "You little people have seen enough". If I wasn't running, every other candidates lips would be Charmin on my ass. So, vote for ME, or I'll file a lawsuit to evict you from your stinking hovel.
Oh yeah, you need a deep sea diving bell to get to the depths of THIS field of candidates. So grab the popcorn my brother and sister Kossacks, THIS is gonna be like the really GOOD seasons of "I Love Lucy".