From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned From Republicans In July
It's quite a nutritious bowl of brain food this month:
The Justice Department is on the cusp of legalizing pedophilia. (Fmr. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay)
The percent at which you are taxed is proportional to the percent at which you are considered a slave. (Sen. Rand Paul)
Radical Islamic terrorism's greatest hope is Code Pink. (Sen. Lindsay Graham)
Medicare must be eliminated as quickly as possible. (Gov. Jeb Bush)
Chik-fil-A is the official chicken of Jesus, and the reason that God blessed America is because we know how to smoke a pork butt. (Fox News host Todd Starnes)
The three branches of the U.S. government are the Legislative branch, the Judicial branch and the Will of the People branch. (Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin)
The way to defeat ISIS is to start naming the oceans after Ronald Reagan. (Rep. Darrel Issa)
The Supreme Court shouldn't have the final say on whether laws are constitutional or not. (Sen. and law school graduate Rick Santorum)
Serena Williams' latest Wimbledon title should be take away because she probably cheated with steroids. (George W. Bush adviser David Frum)
The agreement to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons is just as bad as the holocaust. (Gov. Mike Huckabee)
Food stamp recipients---presumably including the countless Republican ones---are nothing but animals. (The Oklahoma Republican party)
America has a bare-bones military whose budget will be decimated by sex-change operations and hormone therapy.
(Tony Perkins)
And the winner this month:
Donald Trump is a phantom candidate hired by Democrats to sabotage the Republican primary season. (Rep. Carlos Curbelo)
Darn. We've been discovered. Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Oh look---it's 4:20 Pacific Time. Gurgle gurgle, my buds. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 31, 2015
Note: There will be no C&J on Monday on account of Obama is planning to---[Twitch twitch]---take away my guns and my Bible. And also my Bible gun. And if he's coming to take those away it would make sense that he's also after my gun Bible. So, anyway, we'll sort it all out and return Tuesday. (Via my bunker gerbil-wheel-powered server if I'm forced to flee.)
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14 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
Talk Like A Pirate Day:
50
Days 'til the
Huckleberry Festival in Trout Creek, Montana:
14
Jobs that have been added to the U.S. economy over the last two years:
5.6 million
Increase in haircut prices in June, the highest since 1953, the year records started being kept on the industry:
1.6%
(Source: AP)
Percent chance that Volkswagen just became the top vehicle seller in the world:
100%
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Fracking-related earthquake strength measured on Monday in northern Oklahoma, prompting the shutdown of two fracking wells:
4.5
Percent chance Tom Brady is innocent of all charges and is a god among mortals:
100%
(Source: Press release from Zeus and Thor)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Okay, so now we know: there is something cuter than a baby hugging a puppy…
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Fact: August was first called the "Pootie
Days of Summer" 'til the dogs hijacked it.
CHEERS to August. The laziest month of the year starts tomorrow. Aka the dog days. The month everybody, not just Congress, should be allowed to take off for vacation. (Right, France?) The month everyone wears out their whites because they know Labor Day's just around the corner. The palooza of paloozas,
Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago, and the 13th is the high Republican holiday known as "Blame Someone Else Day." Sadly, Jon Stewart leaves us next Thursday, but we'll still get plenty of comedy that same day with the first
Donald Trump Variety Hour and GOP Debate in Cleveland. The next 31 days include National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling) Day, Cherry Popsicle Day and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with "Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?" Day. Loni Anderson and I (but, sadly, not Neil Armstrong, except in spirit) blow out our birthday candles on the 5th, a day after Barack Obama turns 54. Of course, it's also the month in which you
never want to introduce a bogus war based on lies to the public, but there'll be plenty of bloodshed around the world all the same. Oh, and on August 29 you'll see a full "super moon"---you'll know why we call it that when Jeeves drives me by your house in the Studebaker with my butt sticking out the back window. Don't forget to wave!
JEERS to #17. Gas up the clown car---there's a fresh GOP preznidential candidate this week. He's a former Virginia governor and he goes by the name James Stuart "Jim" Gilmore. Here's what you need to know:
Mr. Excitement is IN!
Age: 65
Home state: Virginia
Billionaire benefactor: At this point, his piggy bank.
Central campaign theme: "I will return America to the policies of a dynamic, entrepreneurial free-market economy and a policy of peace-through-strength for our national security." In other words, there's not a bit of difference between me and candidates 1-16.
Voter base: Republicans who don’t find George Pataki bland enough.
Location of campaign announcement: Federal Election Commission and Breitbart.com.
Slogan: "I'm Number Seventeen!"
Jim Gilmore fun fact: During his 2008 run for president, during which he raised a whopping $175,000, Gilmore claimed to represent "The Republican wing of the Republican party." To this day no one knows what the hell that means.
Gilmore faces an uphill battle to get recognition and debate stage time, but his wife says she'll definitely vote for him if Donald Trump drops out.
CHEERS to the least-surprising conclusion of the week. Here we go, kids: the first of what will be several similar conclusions as Republicans try in vain (wasting lots of precious taxpayer dollars in the process) to destroy Planned Parenthood:
The Indiana Department of Health has closed its investigation into Planned Parenthood facilities that perform abortions in the state, notifying the three facilities that investigators didn't find any violations of regulations in the disposal of fetal remains.
Gov. Mike Pence had ordered the investigation to see if organs from aborted fetuses were being sold after an anti-abortion group circulated a video it made secretly showing a national Planned Parenthood official discussing procedures for providing fetal body parts to researchers.
The Associated Press can get a lot of mileage out of the above story---all they'll need to do is change the name of the state and the governor.
CHEERS to a little help from our friends. On July 31, 1777 (gosh, it seems like yesterday), the Marquis de Lafayette was made a major-general in the American Continental Army. He said that, even though we had to "go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time," the British Army was "in the last throes of the insurgency, if you will" because we had "turned a corner," and promised that after we won the War of Independence---based on a sensible "time horizon"---we'd be "greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers." Crazy French. Where do they come up with this stuff?
JEERS to Governor Pantsonfire. As we pointed out Tuesday, pettiest-governor-in-America Paul LePage said that the thing he hates most in life is someone calling him a liar. And yet he does it all the time. The latest episode is quite a whopper in deception and pimpled-ass-covering. It goes something like this:
"And they also stole my
quart of strawberries!"
> Recognizing that the legislature isn’t going to fulfill his dream of eliminating the state income tax in the latest budget, LePage lays the groundwork for a statewide voter referendum by demonizing the state House (Democrat-controlled) and Senate (Republican-controlled). We must have this referendum, you see, because the legislature is thwarting the will of the people!
> To build his case, throughout the spring's budget negotiations, LePage claims he was deliberately kept in the dark about the budget details---even by formerly-loyal Republicans who have now turned into tyrants!---because they were sabotaging his efforts to eliminate the income tax. ("I have no clue what they're passing [or] not passing. … [They] checked their character and integrity at the door," he said.)
> A Portland Press Herald reporter goes through emails procured through a Freedom of Information request, and finds that LePage's office was actually "well aware of the details and helped draft several tax analyses that later became key to the budget’s passage in the Legislature."
> Caught lying like a rat, LePage doubles down by turning his guns on his own staffers, saying that he was kept "completely in the dark" by them, too, damn their eyes!
Then he flew into a tirade about how his generals have all betrayed him and locked himself in a bunker. (His aides are now trying to coax him out with a blueberry cheesecake attached to a string.) So, as much as it pains me to say the very thing LePage hates most: Governor, you're a liar. A very
bad liar.
P.S. It's official: Governor LePage is being sued in federal court for blackmailing a charter school into rescinding a job offer to one of his political enemies. Won’t that be fun.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quiet week for TV, as it should be since it's the middle of freakin' summer and you should all be outside in the fresh air. I'll be surfing for reruns of Star Trek and South Park mostly. (I have high standards.) New DVD releases include the Russell Crowe-directed The Water Diviner and the animated Home. The baseball schedule starring the league-leading-not Red Sox is here. Sunday night on HBO's Last Week Tonight, John Oliver reminds us again why he's the rightful heir to Jon Stewart. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup, and let's count up the number of lefties versus the number of righties, shall we? Yes, lets…
The sleeves go up Sunday
morning on 'This Week.'
Meet the Press: Party chairs Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Reince Priebus; Dr. Ben Carson; Jeb! Lefties/Righties: 1/3
This Week: Feel the Bernie! Avoid stepping in the Santorum! Lefties/Righties: 1/1
Face the Nation: Mike Huckabee; Former RNC chair Ed Gillespie; Chesley Sullenberger (non-partisan) on the airline debris found on that island. Lefties/Righties: 0/2
CNN's State of the Union: ChrIS Christie; Rand Paul. Lefties/Righties: 0/2
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: The "fair and balanced" network welcomes Rick Perry and John Kasich…the perfect balance of crazy conservative and nutty conservative. Lefties/Righties: 0/2
Final Lefties/Righties tally:
2 Lefties, 10 Righties. Your corporate media, hard at work. Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 31, 2005
JEERS to gag-me journalism. The headline on the home page of USA Today last night: "The trainer behind Jessica's behind." Worthy of a Pukelitzer.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the birth of a legend. And here we are on the cusp of August, 2015. Police violence against blacks? Clusterfuck. Iraq-Syria? Clusterfuck. Congress? Clusterfuck. Energy policy, immigration reform, infrastructure, personal income? Still a cluster-you-know-what. Well, I have something to snap us out of them clusterfuck blues. Thanks to wayback-machine technology, we take you to Monday's date in 2006, when life was simple, cherub-faced children played stickball in the streets, and Daddy came home to find his slippers, pipe, newspaper and supper waiting for him as the aroma of jasmine wafted on the warm summer breeze. Oh, and this was at the top of the DKos charts:
There is no proof this is Errin F.
But no one has denied it, either.
I want out of this farce of a website. … Like some sort of cult, I was welcomed in freely but am now being barred from leaving.
Since I can't delete my account myself, my only recourse is to be as abrasive and disruptive as I can be UNTIL MY ACCOUNT GETS DELETED. As long as my account remains here, I do not feel comfortable leaving. Is it really such a tough request to delete my account so I can go? Just what kind of website lets you join up but won't let you leave? One that regards people as little more than statistics, that's what. How like the Democratic Party for Kos to view his site's members as little more than statistics.
DELETE MY FUCKING ACCOUNT, KOS.
And, for a brief moment, unicorns romp once again in the Fields of Orange. And I swear I'm catching a whiff of jasmine.
Have a great weekend. Don’t forget that today is your last chance to celebrate Christmas in July. Tomorrow we begin Festivus in Augustivus!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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