A note from your blog author: I would humbly request that you to ride out this 90s retro wave I seem to be on as I keep hearkening back to pop cultural references from that decade. These were seminal end of middle school through college graduation years, so just bear with me. And now without further ado, your normally scheduled NQN entry.
We might all remember (or at least those of us old enough to have mortgage payments, ticking clocks and early onset bald spots - if exempt from any of these groups, please refer to either one of the following link options) the forlorn outcry that was Paula Cole's hit 90s song, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" In it, she pines for the simpler days of yore when a man was rustic and grew a beard for insulation not style points, and when women tended to the hearth, had families and knew their role.
This was around '97. It was the age of womyn! The presence of outspoken, feminist female songwriters, in particular, was at its height, the Clinton salad days were in full swing, and Monica Lewinsky was a year away. We stood in at the center of a Lilith Fair, Girl Power, 'behold my sacred womb' surge. I was a young liberal arts college student at the time, though the song was confusing celebrated Paula Cole's midriff and unique sound enough to rock out to the mixed message. I mean why wouldn't we? Strong independent broads were a la mode, paired with guys who sang about heartbreak, rocked with feeling and wore their hair long. The future was bright, shades weren't required and we womyn were not a monolith. We wanted what we wanted and weren't afraid to ask for it. A guy with a heart and a mind, sensitivity and strength, assertiveness and give - simplicity and nuance - and none of the above. The full smorgasbord man. And by Xena, we deservedhim!
In the decade plus of male confusion since, Paula Cole's heartfelt question has morphed into something of a keening plea. And nowhere is that truth, that failure to find the right guy with gusto, more evident than in the world of (singles) dating. Case in point. Yesterday night - after logging off from my daily Tastebuds time - I came across a Huff Post Live video. post on AOL. (Still looking for that link.) The title read something like, "It Took A Year to Get Him to Ask Me Out on a Proper Date."
And so the interview ensued. True to its heading, a girl in dater's mode met a guy online, so goes the trend. For months they went back and forth on a regular basis with no proper date request forthcoming. In Mr. Anonymous Non-Dater's defense, however, he had sent several invites to stop by his apartment some time.
Our heroine had refused, holding out for the prize. So, months pass and communication gradually thins out, until one day, he contacts her again out of the blue on Facebook. Within a month or so (I think?) of renewed contact, persistence won out, and she got her quasi-respectable date invite from said meque.
Just to have our hero bow out at the last minute - stating he'd accidentally forgotten and made other plans.
Yup. I can tell you're as wide-eyed and in shock as I was. The guy who'd shown a lukewarm interest in dating her outright had flaked, and nothing would be the same. I joke because I can feel for this woman/fellow bloggerette. Anyone who has attempted to date online would. The mixed signals, the constant back and forth, not knowing if it's going anywhere. I mean, it's hard enough to read people over the Internet. To know if the person you're talking to is authentic and genuine - is who they say they are. To know when to toe the line and when to be more flexible with your approach, your standards and expectations. It's like a choreographed dance wherein, just when you think you've got it down, you try it out on someone else and end up stepping on their feet - or reeling in an unwanted dance partner.
That said, from my own passive-aggressive perspective, what our heroine did absolutely made sense and she did nothing wrong. We women, however modern the times, still expect to be pursued. For better or worse, that hasn't changed. And, to add to that, most of us also anticipate being asked out if there's an interest on his part. You see, expressing an interest lets us women know if we should be investing in you as a potential dateable, and if you view us as the same. When that mutual understanding turned indecipherable I have no idea. What I do know and have learned after much time in the dating darkness, however, is that guys these days have become increasingly insecure, confused and indecisive when it comes to women. So what 10 or even 15 years ago would have been a hit to many men's self-esteem, today, is a near fatal deathblow. Apparently female rejection has a more poisonous stinger than it once did? Not sure who set the phaser to stun, but, so it is.
In that context, what the Bloggerette should apparently have done was to be upfront, and at some random yet comfortable pause in their conversation, blurted out that she didn't date guys who don't formally ask her out. Made it clear what her expectations were early on. I'm sure the conversation would have gone something like, "Look, I know we're talking manga and bowtied Pugs, but before we go forward, I just wanted to make one of my dating rules abundantly clear..."
Entirely unawkward, right? And certainly in line with the long-held understanding that guys love ultimatums - especially guys you're not dating. That said, the question still emerges. Why? Why did it have to go down like that? If he wasn't genuinely into her why not tell her so instead of dicking her around?
Now maybe this unfolding speaks to a blessing in disguise. Maybe our heroine was meant for better and merely ignored the warning signs. The Date Dodger could have been a non-committal personality and his long-time-coming bow-out, her red flag. Maybe he was in a relationship and just looking for a side hook-up situation. Maybe he was romancing someone else, or had an on-again-off-again ex, and she was just a back-up. Either way she obviously wasn't priority one on his dating agenda, and if they were meant to couple and not just destined to casual chats, she probably should have been. (Him pulling away without a word just to pop up again with no explanation, IMO, was ignored alert one. But maybe that's just me my personal alarm system based on my experience, and she's more...hopeful and tenacious.) All the same, for posterity, I repeat...
Why? And I don't ask that of just the guys. I ask it of us all. For all the insecurities of dating and other attendant crap that keeps us from each other, why is it so hard to just bite the bullet and tell someone how you feel? What's so hard about casually meeting up with a person you may or may not have chemistry with in the end? If you're looking for a jump-off, say so; if you're just interested in conversation, in having someone there to chat with regularly, make it known. If you're not feeling them, respectfully make that clear as well. If you like the person you're talking to and don't know if they like you back, so what! Say so. What does it really cost you? The loss of a stranger who you were wasting your time with or who was wasting their time with you?
When did we as a society deem not engaging and feeling nothing as preferable to the alternative? Interacting with potential dateables - with other humans period - is always a risk. Either you're going to stick your hand in that hole and see what you pull out or you're not.
When did we all become such gamesmen? When did we all become such cowards?
I personally don't want a cowboy. Didn't want one back then and don't now. The notion of the hunky, simple down home cowboys, IMO, offers no guaranteed solution. Nor does any idealized male archetype offer assurance that he will take the flippin' leap once at the crossing. Where is that guy? The guy who took his hits and kept on moving when things didn't go his way. The guy who knew how to hold a conversation with a woman without making it all about himself. The guy who didn't just gawk at you from across the room, but crossed it; who chatted you up to see if the two of you might have fun on a date...and then actually asked you out. Straightforward, respectful, assertive. Men who took the first step and led the dance. Where are those guys?
Fuck the cowboys, fuck the towers of strength, fuck the knights...hell, fuck the ubersensitive laid back rocker brah poets. What I want to know is, where have all the Closers gone?
Mon Aug 03, 2015 at 12:07 AM PT: Note: This is an article on DATING / E-DATING not sports.