It was with great good fortune that I was offered exclusive post-GOP Presidential Primary debate interviews with many of the leading candidates. I wish to acknowledge RNC chairman Rancid Penis for his invaluable assistance in obtaining these discussions with many of those "exceptional" Presidential Candidates (hereinafter referred to as simply PCs).
RNC Chairman in relaxed post-debate mood
Well, of course, the current front-runner in the race is Mr. Donald Trump. So, even though he has already been interviewed by me on DKos, he gets first place amongst the PC luminaries. It was of course immediately noted by me, that Mr. Trump was wearing one of his exclusive made-in-China campaign buttons: "People Love Me!" Mr. Trump stated that one of his priorities when he is elected President, will be to make
Cinco de Mayo a national holiday. One of the features Mr. Trump has planned for this date are all-expenses paid trips to Mexico for those who came here to work in the fields. Now as there are so many of those folks here in America, he noted that this will probably require all 8 years of his Presidency to accomplish. Following his retirement from the Presidency, he announced that he will be campaigning for the position of "el Presidente de Mexico', with great confidence of his electoral success due the to the gratitude of those many Mexicanos who were given their free one-way vacation trip to Mexico.
Donald Trump, confident of ultimate election victory
Mr. Trump says that presidential qualities are due, in part, to his genetic endowment. Indeed, in a moment of candor, unusual even for him, he proudly showed me a picture of his father: see below.
Benito Trump, Donald's father, looking pensive
More post-debate interviews below the orange squiggle.
John Ellis Bush, AKA Bush 3.0, is the number 2 on the PC list of favorites. He is on record as stating that he will proudly continue the as-yet unfulfilled legacy of big brother, Bush 2.0. This means he will definitely "phase out Medicare and Social Security as these are entitlements. As you know, entitlements are the exclusive prerogative the very, very Rich. Also, Bush 3.0 strongly contrasted his policies against pinko-Commie Bernie Sanders, whom he accuses of altering our current economic policy of income transfer to the very, very Rich. Although strongly denying any nepotistic tendencies,
Bush 3.0 with new coiffeur: If it works for Trump, it might work for me!
Bush 3.0 did state that his foreign policy adviser would be Bush 2.0, the man many of you remember as being the progenitor of ISIS. Now this is only the beginning of his platform but we will have to move on for more coverage of other PCs.
Bush 3.0 and chief foreign policy adviser in celebratory mood after deciding to bomb Iran "back to the Middle Ages"
Number 3 in the Repuglican PC popularity contest is of course Scott Stalker--er, Snott Walker--or something like that. In fact Mr. Walker is so good at discombobulating things, that he has many names, not all of which are suitable for reportage. The badger-tempered Wisconsin absentee governor has expanded on his campaign platform quite extensively. In fact, his platform is so vast that one could easily devote a whole diary to it, if one had the stomach for it (plus a clothespin for the nose). Chief amongst his platform promises is the completion of his union-busting ideals. Not only will Mr. Walker completely abolish workers' Unions, but he will also ban same sex unions. Using as his role model, the Wisconsin Economic Development Committee, he promises to add 1500 jobs to the US economy, promising that not more than 99% of budgeted funds will go for administrative expense.
Scott Walker confident in his victory: "Sieg Heil"
Domestic Terrorism, such as perpetrated by Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland and Samuel Dubose, is a high post-election priority for Mr. Walker. In fact, he is currently mulling over his choice for Secretary of Homeland Security. His role model for the job was, of course, a former senator from Wisconsin--now defunct.
Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-WI) getting some friendly advice from Boston lawyer
Candidate 4 on the list is none other than pederast-loving Mikey Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, who was a commentator on Fox Spews until he announced his candidacy. Mr Huckabee decried the current moratorium on state-imposed death sentences by lethal injection. Instead he announced his preference for that tried-and-true method of burning at the stake. He also said that he would consider expanding the death penalty to homosexuals, Muslims, liberals, unarmed black people, and other yet unnamed groups.
Mike Huckabee early campaign poster
BREAKING NEWS!. After the debate, the White House Plumbers Association released this heretofore secret picture of a gay liaison Mike Huckabee refuses to acknowledge. We have this information confirmed by a highly embarrassed Senator from Arizona. See the exclusive picture below:
Mike Huckabee fondly embracing unidentified black male--bystander too ashamed to watch!
Oops. My editor said I was using too many column inches for this report and would have to complete it at another date. So, dear reader, please fill out the Poll below, so that my editor will know that this report has had some impact.