From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Future of Humanity: A Snapshot
The annual Beloit College Mindset List from the Wisconsin school (Go, Fightin' Buccaneers!) is out and generating the usual gasps and titters. The annual list reflects on how the mental cards are stacked in the collective minds of the college Class of 2019, meaning you whippersnappers born in 1997. Here's a sample of their world:
• Among those who have never been alive in their lifetimes are Princess Diana, Notorious B.I.G., Jacques Cousteau, and Mother Teresa.
Looking ahead, the Class of 2029 will
never know a world without lolcats.
• Four foul-mouthed kids have always been playing in South Park.
• Cell phones have become so ubiquitous in class that teachers don’t know which students are using them to take notes and which ones are planning a party.
• Their parents have gone from encouraging them to use the Internet to begging them to get off it.
• Kyoto has always symbolized inactivity about global climate change.
• Fifteen nations have always been constructing the International Space Station.
• Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic have always been members of NATO.
• Vote-by-mail has always been the official way to vote in Oregon.
I would add my usual contribution to the list: Republicans have always been either incompetent hacks or obstructionist jerks. That one's timeless.
As a bonus this year, they added a list of phrases now used by the Class of '19 that are "expressions from their culture that will baffle their parents, older friends, and teachers." Redneck teleprompter---heh.
Oh, and happy Monday. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 24, 2015
Note: [Pours bucket of ice water over head] Never mind me. I'm just raising awareness for the growing problem of not being able to wake up on Monday morning.
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12 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til wearing white will be a federal offense punishable by dirty looks:
14
Days 'til the
Bumbershoot Music and Arts Festival:
12
Percent chance that last month was the warmest July on record:
100%
(Source: NOAA)
Percent of school kids who get less than 8 hours of sleep a night:
45%
Earliest time that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends school should start---only 15 percent of schools do now:
8:30am
(Source:
USA Today)
Percent of African-American and white Millennials, respectively, who say they regularly read and watch news online:
66%, 65%
(Source: AP-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research)
Percent of likely Republican voters who now think Donald Trump is likely to be the party’s nominee:
57%
(Source: Rasmussen poll)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to political intrigue. Over the weekend Joe Biden rode the rails from Delaware to the VP's residence for a super-secret meeting with Senator Elizabeth Warren. Even though it got major media coverage, only Yours Truly was able to grease up with Crisco, slither through a heating duct and leave a tape recorder running to catch this EXCLUSIVE (must attribute to C&J News!) snippet of their conversation which I am now going to play for the first time. You're listening to history here, folks:
Thanks a lot, Fisher Price.
Biden: It's a heavy decision, Senator. I've given this a lot of thought.
Warren: I'm sure you have, Mr. Vice President.
Biden: But the last piece of the puzzle is what you think. If you say run, I'll run. If you say don’t, I won't.
Warren: I've given this a lot of thought, too, and I have an answer for you, Mr. Vice President.
Biden: God love ya, I knew I could count on you. So should I run or should I not?
Warren: This is the one and only time I'm going to say this, Mr. Vice President: I am absolutely positive thaaaaaaat youuuuuuu shhhhhhhoerglegrlbl...
Grr. Stupid tape recorder batteries.
JEERS to the noble opposition. Trump rally, Friday, Alabama:
Jeb likes to say he's his own man. I think that's because Trump owns everybody else.
Burn marks still visible today.
JEERS to really shitty ways to ruin an otherwise lovely summer evening. On this date in 1814, British forces
attacked Washington, DC during the War of...um...1812. The president and members of Congress fled while the First Lady, armed with nothing but a butcher knife and her patriotism, rescued artwork and leftover mutton before the redcoats torched the White House. The 8/24 Commission Report later said President Madison should have heeded the PDB titled: "King George III Determined to Strike In US." Curse you, 20-20 hindsight.
CHEERS to knocking off another bad guy. One of the head honchos of ISIS, Whatsizname McBlackheart, is now in the hereafter getting beaten with shoes for eternity:
According to a White House statement, [Ahmad] al-Hayali was the senior deputy to ISIL leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and was in charge of the group’s operations in Iraq. … Al-Hayali “was a primary coordinator for moving large amounts of weapons, explosives, vehicles, and people between Iraq and Syria,” said National Security Council spokesman Ned Price.
As far as I can tell, this is the first ISIS #2 guy we've nailed. Remember: when we kill nine more #2 guys we all get a free Slurpee.
And he doesn't have a statue on
the National Mall because...???
CHEERS to the Spud Stud. On August 24, 1853, chef George Crum made the
first potato chips---originally called Saratoga Chips---after a fussy customer (Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt) complained that his potatoes weren't sliced thin enough. So the chef sliced 'em thinner-than-thin out of frustration and the rest, as they say, is BBQ, Salt & Vinegar, Ruffled, Kettle-cooked, sometimes-even-packed-in-tennis-ball-canisters history. Here in the BiPM household, I'm not sure we've ever actually thrown out an old bag of chips. When one gets down to about an inch of crumbs, we just go buy a new bag and leave the old one in the cupboard, making a "mental note" to "finish off that old bag before starting in on the new one." Never happens. And now we have chip bags dating back to the Nixon years gathering dust and lord-knows-what else. The potato DNA is probably congealing into a super potato brain that will fashion a crude body out of the potato bags and begin a rampage that flattens several cities before it's finally brought down by a giant glop of French onion dip dropped from a helicopter. And when that day comes, I reckon George Crum's Wikipedia page will be updated accordingly.
JEERS to human deer caught in the headlights. Interesting reactions from a couple right-wing anti-gay "pro-marriage" "pro-family" Christian hypocrites who got snared in the cheating site Ashley Madison hacker scandal. First Josh Duggar: "I am the biggest hypocrite ever. Will Jesus ever forgive me?" And Christian You Tuber Sam Rader: "I'm cool---Jesus forgave me already ha ha ha ha sucks to be you, Duggar!!!" The Lord worketh in mysterious ways.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 24, 2005
CHEERS to the gonzo's red glare. In Colorado, Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were blasted into the night sky over the weekend. It was an odd epilogue to the writer's odd life, a celebration attended by celebrities from Johnny Depp to George McGovern and John Kerry. But would it have killed ya to let the neighbors know so they could cover their vegetable gardens first?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today's boring correction. Earlier reports that Panda Mei Xiang at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. gave birth to a panda cub were in error. In fact, Mei Xiang gave birth to TWO BABY PANDA CUBS!!! WOO HOO!!! SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE!!! SQUEE…….
One of the cubs has already been taught the "pull my finger" joke.
We…ahem…regret the error. And any ear damage you may have just incurred.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Is there anyone that can give a look that both says, "I'm stoked to be here," and, "I'm watching you," quite like Russian president Vladimir Putin? We think not. Putin took a bathyscaphe, which is basically just a submersible similar to a bathysphere, 272 feet down to the bottom of the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool this past Tuesday.
---Popular Mechanics
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