Ironically, the first name out of the gate in the Ashleigh Madison hacking scandal was Family Guy (joke implied) Josh Duggar, rapist, reality T.V. and former child star. But it’s getting worse. This week, Christian blogger Ed Stetzer said that as many as four hundred pastors’ may end up resigning once the news gets out that their names are on that list too. Christian Vlogger Sam Rader also had to come clean that his name was on that list. Stetzer addressed the issue head-on in his Christianity Today blog: My Pastor is on the Ashley Madison list.
Now you may think that I’m about to make a comment about the profound hypocrisy of these Christians, or that I’m about to discuss Jesus’ attitude toward those who wear his name and yet behave as atrocious as the very people they condemn. You might think that. But nope… I’m here to brag. To bask in my power. To get the “You GO Girl ” that’s due me.
Mike The-Huckster Huckabee, fundamentalist pastor and purveyor of New Age sham medical treatments claimed that the recent Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage would lead to emptiness, anger, and divorce. Rick Santorum, Senator and all-around loon, proclaimed that same-sex marriage would make our children gay. Even Donald Trump, the Cockroach Whisperer said it would be bad for the country.
Michelle Duggar, knowing what she knew about her own son’s behavior, demanded that Christians take a stand. Allen West claimed marriage-equality could spark an all-out civil war. And finally, Ken Hamm, science denier and man-afraid-to-evolve proclaimed that this would lead to all kinds of problems: Polygamy—(aka biblical marriage), pedophilia—(aka biblical marriage), incest—(aka biblical marriage), and of course, adultery—(aka biblical marriage for MEN only).
And here we are only months out from this disastrous Supreme Court decision, and already their predictions are coming true. Thanks to the decision to allow gay couples to participate in the marriage right they enjoy as straight people, their marriages are over, and their names are splayed all over the pages of Ashleigh Madison.
And it’s all my fault because I chose to be gay—and then asked if could get married.
I’m not sure when I chose to be gay, but I think I was about ten. I was getting ready for school one morning, looking into my underwear drawer and the question descended upon me: “What shall I wear, and what sexual orientation should I be?” Even though I had no idea what sex was, it had to be more fun than going to school—and less homework. I knew I couldn’t be straight because I once walked in on my parents and I never got that image out of my head. So sex must be something akin to the wheelbarrow game I saw them playing! Whatever sex was, I decided I was going to do it with men. Of course I had to remind myself to be careful because mommy said men could make you pregnant. So far I’ve been lucky.
I had no idea when I made that decision, how powerful it was going to make me.
I grew up in a fundamentalist home: at ten years old I was baptized into the Seventh-Day-Adventist church. In my early twenties I was baptized into the Assemblies of God church, and then in my later twenties I became a member of the Foursquare denomination. The one thing that all of those groups have in common is that they.are.terrified.of.ME!
Growing up, the religious leaders and Christian communities taught me that I had been bestowed with amazing powers:
- I could single-handedly incur the wrath of God to bring down entire civilizations (Rome anyone?).
- I could cause earthquakes, violence, drought, famine and pestilence.
- Just by being gay I could destroy straight marriages and obliterate the institution of marriage altogether.
AND I could force fundamentalists to marry their pets.
Fear me bitches!
Although maybe the fact that Christians go directly from gay marriage to bestiality suggests that maybe Christians shouldn’t be trusted around animals.
So I made my choice. And then I bided my time by pushing hard for equal rights. While I still don’t have equal rights, I do have the right to marry, and because of that, according to Fundies around the country, their marriages are now in deep trouble. But it didn’t just start. I’ve been working behind the scenes for years: I got Jimmy Swaggart, Jimmy Bakker, I broke up Amy Grant and Gary Chapman, Sandi Patti, Bishop Eddie Long, Benny Hinn, Newt Gingrich, Mark Sanford…
Before we go any further though, I have to address the debate as to whether or not Jesus was gay. He wasn’t.
- First of all, the man only had one pair of shoes (and they were sandals).
- Neither he nor his entourage traveled with luggage
- And there’s no record of him saying: Blessed are those who are "Fabulous…"
If he were gay, when he rode into Jerusalem for the triumphal entry, there would have been two donkeys—one for him, and one for his outfits—because if you're a gay messiah, making your way through Jerusalem on your way to your last supper… you had better look "Fabulous."
Of course he did turn water into wine, but that makes him metrosexual, not gay. And there’s no indication that he lifted his pinkie to drink, or sat down to pee.
However, don’t confuse my work of devastating marriages with hurricanes. While I would love to take the credit for all that destruction, hurricanes are actually God’s work toward Conservatives.
- 2005: Hurricane Katrina clobbers the Gulf Coast exposing the profound racism and incompetence of the Bush Administration.
- 2008: Hurricane Gustav forces the Republicans to postpone their convention in Saint Paul, Minnesota.
- 2012: Hurricane Isaac forces the Republicans to postpone their convention in Tampa, Florida
- 2012: Hurricane Sandy rolled over the East Coast the week before the election, exposing Mitt Romney's incompetence, and highlighting Obama's ability to get stuff done.
I’d like to say that I’m sorry, that I regret ruining your marriage, but it doesn’t sound to me that your marriage was worth saving in the first place. No, my choice has been made, and I’m sticking to it. Besides, I’ve already spent fifteen years in various forms of Reparative Therapy.
It appears that there may be only one way out of this mess Fundies find themselves in: Chose to be gay. Only then can their marriages be saved (and I'll have a bigger pond to play in).
I’ve heard that there’s a spot in my heart just for God: and I’ve been searching for my g-spot ever since. When I find it, I’ll let you know.