From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Quick Update
Last January, Bryan Fischer was allegedly fired as a mouthpiece for the conservative American Family Association. Don’t believe it. He kept his AFA radio show, which continues to be the primary means of communication for that organization. He's their public face, their lucky charm, their pride and joy. Here's a sample of his wisdom:
Real sweetheart. He's also, naturally, totally anti-gay, and yesterday this paid mouthpiece for the American Family Association said this about the situation in Kentucky where thrice-married and adulterous county clerk Kim Davis (who is due in court today) is refusing to issue marriage licenses because God tells her to hate the gays:
Kids: never let this guy tell you a bedtime story.
“What would we think today of a clerk in her position and this is a clerk that controls entrance in and out of the town of Auschwitz?,” Fischer asked. “There’s this box car that pulls up and she knows that there are Jews in the box car that are headed to the gas chambers and yet she has to sign a certificate allowing this train to proceed through Auschwitz to get to the other side of town. Now, the law says you have got to do it … What would we think of her if she said, ‘No, I’m not going to sign that certificate’? I think we would regard her today as a hero for honoring her conscience when it came to an important issue.”
So…the official American Family Association position appears to be: a proper American family is one that understands that the constitutional right to marriage equality in the U.S. equals the extermination of Jews during the Holocaust.
For this Bryan Fischer will not only keep his job, he'll probably get a raise.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 3, 2015
Note: Here's the schedule for the Labor Day weekend. C&J will be not be writing or posting (i.e. laboring) on Monday. We will be writing but not posting on Tuesday. We will be both writing and posting on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And on Saturday we start working on our Antonin Scalia jiggery pokery barbarian costume for Halloween. (I hope I don’t run out of sequins.)
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til NFL opening night, when the New England Patriots destroy the Pittsburgh Steelers and win the World Series:
7
Days 'til Maine's
Eastport Pirate Festival:
8
Percent of American adults who now smoke cigs on a regular basis, down 2% from last year:
15.2%
(Source: CDC)
Percent of Trump supporters who falsely believe Ted Cruz was born in the U.S.:
40%
Percent of Trump supporters who falsely believe President Obama was not born the U.S.:
61%
(Source: PPP)
Rank of the Rolling Stones among top concert draws in the first half of 2015 with over $80 million in sales:
#1
Percent of 168 societies surveyed where members practice romantic kissing:
46%
(Source: University of Nevada & Indiana University anthropologists)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
George W. Bush on education, supposedly his strong point, is making no sense. He is getting it all wrong and is dumbing down what could have been a really useful debate on how to fix the public schools.
For political reasons, he needs to claim that his little nostrums have more to do with the improvement in Texas public schools than the fundamental reforms made long before he showed up.
This is depressing and dangerous, and could well lead to our once again falling for some cute little quick-fix slogan (higher standards, end social promotion, vouchers, accountability, back to basics, phonics, school choice), while ignoring the real basics (smaller class sizes, more preschool programs, spending more on poor kids and better classroom equipment — not to mention fixing the roofs and the windows).
---September 2000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The woozles meet the pooties
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CHEERS to beating the clock. Try as they might, Republicans couldn't act fast enough to prevent Democrats from getting their hands on enough persuasive material to develop and build a veto bomb. And what a swan song for the outgoing senator whose vote put the peacemongers over the top:
#34
Sen. Barbara A. Mikulski of Maryland announced her support Wednesday for the pending nuclear agreement with Iran, offering the last vote President Barack Obama needs to ensure he can sustain a veto if Congress rejects the controversial pact later this month. Mikulski, a Democrat who is retiring at the end of her current term…became the 34th Democrat to support the agreement, depriving Republicans of the votes needed to override a veto.
Mikulski said she is confident the deal blocks the pathways for Tehran to obtain a bomb. In a lengthy statement, she also echoed the Obama administration's position that the only alternative to the deal is further sanctions or military action.
A word of advice: don’t go to any right-wing blogs this morning. The noise will turn ya deaf and the outrage will melt the skin off your face.
CHEERS to looming leisure. Hooray! Another sign that things are perking up a bit in the United States of Saggy Drawers. It seems we're feeling better about life these days, and our #1 way to celebrate, of course, is to spend a holiday weekend battling effing traffic:
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
AAA projects 35.5 million Americans to take to the road, sky and sea this Labor Day weekend. [T]his year's holiday weekend projection represents the highest volume since 2008 and a one percent rise over 2014 despite the fact that Labor Day 2015 falls so late on the calendar.
More than 30 million (86 percent) of the aforementioned American travelers are expected to take a road trip to their Labor Day destination this year. However, air travel is also projected to grow, with 2.6 million Americans set to fly for the holiday. That figure marks the highest number for Labor Day weekend since 2007.
If you're planning an excursion to the beach or the mountains or the in-laws (lucky you!), please drive with care and flip people off responsibly.
JEERS to today's boring correction. The claim made in this graphic…
...is
FALSE. Denali actually means
The Great One. However, the claim that President William McKinley's name has been changed to Viceroy William Black Power is
TRUE. Please have your children make a note of it, as it will be on next spring's SATs.
CHEERS and JEERS to poll vaulting. ABC News and The Washington Post have some new numbers on the 2016 race and here's my handy-dandy favorable/unfavorable (aka FU) breakdown:
Hillary 45-53
Trump 37-59
Jeb 38-55
As usual, Please Make It Stop clocked in at 100-0.
CHEERS to the happiest ending...evuh! On September 3, 1783, our War of Independence ended when a treaty was signed by Great Britain and the United States:
The treaty was signed with a banana
pen because someone forgot the quills.
It was signed in Paris by Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and John Jay. Under the terms of the treaty, Britain recognized the independent nation of the United States of America. Britain agreed to remove all of its troops from the new nation. The treaty also set new borders for the United States, including all land from the Great Lakes on the north to Florida on the south, and from the Atlantic Ocean to the Mississippi River. ... The United States also agreed not to persecute loyalists still in America and allow those that left America to return.
Afterward, the founding fathers got together in a circle, held hands, and
recited the Pledge of Allegiance. And then Jesus rode in on a dinosaur with news he had just finished digging the Grand Canyon. The things you learn on Conservapedia...
CHEERS to the lure of cheap entertainment. At least one drought is ending---the Great Colbert Drought of Aught Fifteen and Two Thousand. He debuts as the new Late Show host in five days, and here's a lineup of confirmed guests for the first couple weeks:
Shoulda kept the beard.
Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Emily Blunt,Justice Stephen Breyer, George Clooney, Toby Keith, Kendrick Lamar, Elon Musk, Stephen King, Amy Schumer, Scarlett Johansson, Jake Gyllenhaal, Kevin Spacey, Carol Burnett, Willie Nelson, Naomi Watts, Ban Ki-Moon of the UN, Lupita Nyong'o.
Oh, and also The Jeb With No Last Name, who is in some hot water---or rather hot egg on face---for doing what Republicans do: he launched a political fundraiser tied to his
Late Show-related publicity
without getting permission from Colbert first. Stealing: it's like a knee-jerk reaction with these guys.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 3, 2010
CHEERS to slaying the phantom menace. Well, well, well. This will not be welcome news for the folks who SCREAM ABOUT SCARY BROWN PEOPLE STREAMING THROUGH OUR POROUS SOUTHERN BORDER TO MURDER, RAPE AND PILLAGE THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE AND DROP THEIR ANCHOR BABIES!!!! Um...you're dopes:
The number of illegal immigrants entering the United States has plunged by almost two-thirds in the past decade, a dramatic shift after years of growth in the population, according to a new report by the Pew Hispanic Center. ...
[Jeffrey] Passel, an author of the new report, noted that in recent years, illegal entry has gotten more expensive, harder and more dangerous. "We know that it's harder to sneak across the border than it was four or five years ago, and especially than it was 10 or 15 years ago," he said.
Another right-wing talking point goes down in flames. But never fear---the Minutemen can still take heart in knowing that one form of immigration is up. Namely, legal immigration. Quick! Polish the binoculars and scramble the lawn chairs---we're goin' to CODE RED!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the plight of the long-suffering co-worker. By now you know about that adulterous and thrice-divorced county clerk in Kentucky who refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples because God. But an astute observer noticed in photos of Kim Davis that she has an apparent underling who looks like she'd rather be anywhere else. And…Voila! Instant comedy-gold twitter account!
You can keep tabs on Sitnextto Kim Davis here. When the Mountain Dew flies, you'll want to be there.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Bill in Portland Maine attacks me every day. He attacks me every day with barbarities!!!”
---The Jeb With No Last Name
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