Chapter 3
Leaving The Christian God and Finding the God and Goddess
One of the hardest parts of becoming a Witch is when I left Christianity as a whole I knew I would have to understand how the God and Goddess work. For me it had always been a single God when I started to understand faith. This is also where the hardest paths come in because so many places have so many different versions of Gods and Goddess that when you are starting out one does not even know what is right or wrong with the concept.
For me as a first step it came back to finding out who I was within my family tree. My brother had done a search leading us back to our Irish routes. I actually thought this was pretty cool and it was a connection to a people I did not have or knew that was part of me. The Irish were also rich and strong with their lore and heritage of country that I guess it made bonding with them feel right.
I had gone from searching for concepts of Ancient Ones to native American Indians as well as even thinking of what the meaning of Observer of Life meant to now finding a bond with strangers, but deep down in my heart they weren't strangers because of my family ancestry. What did it mean anyway to be Irish and what struggle had the Irish people fought as a whole? Those questions were coming into my mind opening up new pathways for Spiritual development as a whole. That was where I found my love for the Goddess Brigit. A answer given that the Irish had been in battle with Christianity. Not only had the Irish Goddess withstood a battle with Christianity I found out that the Goddess Brigit had been put into Christian mythology as a way to bring more Irish people to be Christian.
This was actually a new concept to me because it opened up the question of what else had been put into mythology. That was when I started to understand more about Christmas and Winter Solstice as well as Ester and many other holidays. I was starting to open up my idealism that there was more to accepting reality of what we believe over the truth of what history put out. This meant that I was starting to develop more of a culture understanding of not just what made the world, but what made us who we are.
It is also a reflection of how things are different as well as how things come together. With the case of Brigit I saw a reflection of candle mass being used by Catholics. Candle mass and Imbloc one of my favorite rituals seemed very much the same holiday. Again the reflection of culture within the mythology of a whole.
I had finally crossed over into a accepting that the world we knew is not always the world we will see to be. It was also part of a realization that I had just truly accepted a Goddess that I didn't fully understand who she was. Brigit as a Goddess has many crossover references with the merger of Christianity to the Ireland. Christianity referred to her as Saint Brigit and I believe she became a midwife of Christ. This common bond of accepting Brigit as both Christian and Pagan allowed me to tell people that I honored Saint Brigit if I was talking to someone not Pagan and honored the Goddess Brigit if I was talking to my pagan community of friends.
It was a important crossover point for me when it comes to my Spirituality because I had learned something else about Brigit the aspect of the Triple Goddess. For me the triple Goddess can be seen within a lot of the references. She is the mother, maiden, and crone. It is still confusing when it gets to other parts of paganism about the aspects because as I studied this first part you start to run into common links between other Gods and Goddesses. This is when I started to notice as for as all the different cultures they were all similar on meaning. Plus some of them shared a common name. I know a lot of people who complained about neo-paganism being a cause for linking miss information, but that was the part I was finding so hard on my own is there was good information and there was bad information out there on all subjects.
I think what has happen as the internet grew we put so much out there on the internet because so many people were coming together that much of it got stuck with the good and the bad as sites disappeared some of the bad stayed longer. I put this information out there because you are going to run into people claiming that what you are start to read is not correct and this person is better on that information then this person. This is what happens when you start to develop a Spiritual belief system around higher information that is out there. The advice I can tell you is do not get discouraged. If someone is out there to help you then you will notice the signs. If someone is out there to discourage you then you will start to see what they are doing. Sometimes people on the internet will try to harm other pagans who are just starting out this way it is a way to discourage them from growth. This is part of society as a whole we are always going to have some bad apples.
For me I was in such a case as this because of the first time I joined within a coven. Our area of Colorado Springs had just come under fire within a group who was harming. Another coven that I had heard about or had some people who had been members and hurt by this coven were subject to people thinking they were still part of it. I watched this as a outsider of the community coming into paganism for the first time trying to figure out what was going on. The only reason I had joined a coven is because I wanted to be around like minded pagans. I had just found Brigit and the information I was finding on the internet wasn't enough. I wanted more and more information and I knew that part of me had to be around people who were like minded enough. This was also because I grew up in Texas without having this access around me. When coming to a God or Goddess for the first time .
I also wanted to find a safe place for my Aunt and her daughter to learn because we were excited at the time that we would be in a rich place with other pagans around us. For us her daughter was going to have a chance to make a choice something we didn't have of who she wanted to be. That is also why I respect my Aunt so much during this time as well while we were excited about going into places and explore we were also keeping in mind we didn't not want to push her either. A person Spirituality should be when they are willing and want to accept it. If my Aunt daughter did not want to be part of anything we were we would allow her to find her way. That is the greatest respect we can give a future generation going into our belief systems is we allow person growth to happen from their own ideas. We can be there to support but we also have to respect that all are different on the challenges they face.
With Brigit we also found a common link between our family bond. Our family though did not honor the same Gods and Goddess in the same way even though we were a Pagan household. My Aunt had her own idealism of her ritual ways as well as how she honored her own ways. I was just growing in my ways and my Aunt daughter would find her own. We were still a family though with one common bond of understanding each other. We tried new things as well as tried to find a way for people to help us. Some of our own issues comes down that we were so confidence within our own idealism of Spirituality that people thought we new knew more then we know.
This created a challenge for my own growth because as I was coming into my own study of the Goddess Bigit I was being seen as someone within a community who had answers. It was just my excitement to be part of a community. I was being judged as well by others who had been there longer within the community which always played a fear in my mind because what if I said the wrong thing or what if I didn't give the correct answer to someone who was struggling. I also found concern because I was finding locations of people accepting me, but my Aunt was still wanting to learn more as well and we were finding the outlook of age was a big issue because everyone wanted to teach the younger, but the adults who grew up not knowing were struggling with questions and many were being lost because so many are coming back to paganism.
At the time that I have explored my own relationship with the Goddess so many others are doing the same thing. My journey is very similar to how others are coming from Christianity some going down that same road as well as getting things wrong due to the information out there. It is a time when one wants to help others but it can also develop a Savior complex within a person because at the time I also felt certain information was being kept due to my age. When I saw others learning and I got left behind I was always feeling that something wasn't right with my own paganism.
The other part that I hated about the community is everything was about money at this point and in some covens you pay fees just like churches and other meetings around the community you pay fees. This came up with things like Reiki that I really loved and would have loved to learn, but being disable I couldn't afford many things because I was being torn between my roommates , my other likes, and my paganism. I was being forced to decide what is the value of a item that I get or do I get certain things for certain rituals yet I can not afford other things. Plus as I was developing my relationship with Brigit I was asking myself what I can not get the right herb does that offend a Goddess who I am trying to respect in my own way? All of these were questions I faced as I came into the role of understanding myself as a Pagan and Witch.
I still do not see myself as a teacher and I still do not see myself as someone who is smart within the field of paganism. I like you who are reading this book am just learning about who I am. My belief in my Gods and Goddess change day by day as I take in new information. I also get many things wrong as I try to understand what is right and what is correct. I allow myself to be judged to easily by others who try to push their view of what is right and wrong on me. One view I faced when deciding to pass on my wisdom is will people view me as crazy for what I have faced as a Spiritual persist of understanding within humanity?
The reason why this comes up a lot as we start to come into contact with the Gods and Goddess lose a part of reality that is the base for who we are. It is like opening a doorway into our mind that we are allowing different forms of reason to guide us. To keep my own special sanity and safety within me I make sure I always remember the Gods and Goddesses are like aspects of Humanity. We can have a belief within them, but when it comes to the understanding truth of Spirituality we must always remember that we see what we want within them. That is what the aspect of truth is we allow ourselves to find parts of us to make us feel better or relate to what is out there. When it comes to terms of worship or honor a God or Goddess we find our own ways to do it that is special to us.
When honoring the Goddess Brigit I have always wanted to show the greatest respect to her I can. Brigit is part of the Irish that I love about them. Within the Irish culture respect between Christianity and the Irish happen as nuns who found the idealism of Brigit kept her fire burning. A cross bridge that we have as a symbolism of Hope between our two Cultures can be seen within the story of Brigit and how she became part of Christianity.
For me I know this book seems like I judge Christianity a lot , but that is because at the same time I am coming from a position that I see the world differently. Not all Christians are bad. The people are not to blame for what has happen as a whole of society. One of my biggest hopes is that some day we might have peace between the two. Our Idealism of the Gods and Goddesses came about to explain different views. Their idealism came about to help them understand a view. These are not bad when they come to Spirituality. That is why I like the term Spiritualism better then saying I religion. I can honor those who do good to bridge the peace. I just ask that my views be respected as well.
As a pagan and Witch my Goddess may change and I may not honor Brigit as much as I honor another Goddess. That is not a bad thing either because Brigit was there for me when I first started to understand the Goddess. Brigit will always be there for me as Goddess and always be part of my background. One of the Goddess I have moved to studying is Selene and Artemis.
This was when the concept that I was not tied down to just one Goddess came to me because I was able to learn from all the aspects to better my own inner Core. Selene started to pop up first before Artemis. Because I am able to honor Gods and Goddesses I have grown as person so much, but like many you see I started off with the female side of things. I think this is a connection that comes up within a relationship to our mothers. The Goddess is like a mother watching over us so as the Goddesses watches over us we grow within our bond of our mother just like from birth.
This is part of the cycle of coming to paganism we start off with very little knowledge then we grow with lots of knowledge. Our growth is all at the rate we are ready for and when we need to grow. The moon is the relationship I share with the Goddess. This also goes back to basic names as well. Earth, Moon, Sun. These relationships guide us just as the Gods and Goddesses due. For me the Goddess is part of the Moon. The Earth is just part of our home and the Sun relates to the God form of balance. When we do this we get a scared Triangle. This forms the relationship with us in the center always able to move through different angles of thoughts , space, and time with the relationship to nature as our source of who the Gods represent. This is the great Balance of my Spirituality when it comes to what I have learned.
As I have talked about the strength of the Goddesses Brigit I go back to the conflict I had when it comes to the balance of my male God Pan. Pan is like a Father figure to me or a Spiritual parent. I can see my life as a persona of the God Pan. This is a Spiritual term not meaning that I am calling myself a God or saying I am a God born mortal flesh of Pan, but when I see myself with the Pan I see the Pan watching over me as if I was child within his flock. My life and how I have lived it has been shaped with trouble as if panic has taken over me because of my health. I live within a state of chaos not knowing day to day if I am going to make it the next with not being on disability. I was denied because our country said I could work another job even though I am with ITP and a back injury.
I live in fear that one day I might die, but I am not afraid of that because I live in the knowledge that I have things to pass on. My knowledge is the lessons I have learned from becoming a Witch and understanding Paganism. My knowledge is the strength I learned from coming to terms with my understanding of the Gods and Goddesses. As a pagan I had to first accept that the Pan is not the devil. The Pan has a lot to teach when it comes to the balance of the forest as well as the balance of the wild. Like the Goddesses Brigit the Pan comes from the Greek part of our world and many mythologies have been done as well as cross over Gods on the Pan. The Greenman and even Cernunnos share a similar ideas even though the information is similar again we find ourselves with the challenge of understanding what is the right information and what is the wrong information.
For me this was also hard because I had found myself relating to my Irish love of fairy lore, Brigit , and all the Children of Danu. I loved the mythology of the Book of Invasion as well as the stories from Ireland. My heart had connected and again as much as I loved the Pan I kept going back to should I honor as the Pan or should I honor as Cernunnos and is a name of the God more important then the feelings of the God. Plus I was still coming to understand the Pan is not the devil but a Satyr. I really had to get over those feelings that kept me down on the Satyr as Beings.
I am sure many reading have felt this way with their own culture and own idea of what we see within ourselves of Spirituality. We find meaning with in strong beliefs then as new part of it comes in we are trying to rekindle with that balance of who we are and what we wish to learn. In my heart I felt I was Irish and had found a strong since of pride within the Irish people. I found friends who were Irish as well. What I learned from this experience though is our culture is bigger then just our understanding of who we are. My friend who is Irish I cared not for his belief or what he could teach me as a whole. My friend was a friend who I cared because I made that connection through paganism.
It is the same Connection I was developing with the Pan as a father figure not just as God to me. When I came to the Pan I came to the realization that The Pan wasn't just a Greek figure from Greek mythology. The Pan was a Spiritual Parent guiding me through my Spiritual develop. The Pan was teaching me to reconnect with nature even through the hardest of times. Being disabled I can not get out to nature or the woods as much as I would love to. I have been stuck in bed most of the time dreaming of running in the woods with the fairies and playing through the fields with the Satyr's. As I lay in bed connecting to the Pan I see myself having little parties within the fields I can see the image of the Creek that the Pan keeps within my heart and shows me even if I am not in nature.
This what has changed part of my view of being trapped within a room as I wait test results and not knowing what my health will be like tomorrow. I think that is why things have changed for me because at the same time we have always heard the words invoke and Summoning a God or Goddess as Witch. When we invoke the power of the Gods and Goddesses we invoke a feelings of those Gods and Goddesses. This is a confusing term to those who are near because to the outside view of our Spirituality it makes them think we are calling a physical meeting of a God which can make people think we are crazy.
I once believed that I could summon the physical God Pan when I was hurt. I thought at some point I'd kick him where the sun does not shine if he showed up because I felt he wasn't teaching me enough. It is part of that wanting more and to feel connected to more. Yet at the same time I was already connected to the understanding of the knowledge I just did not have the wisdom to display the knowledge that the Pan was showing me. He was a complex God to understanding. Much like any God of change they put us through challenges that we overcome. I may not have overcome all my challenges, but I hope I have at least grown from the challenges. As for as my respect for the Pan I do not think I'll be kicking him in the nutz unless it is him chasing nymphs.
This are all the aspects of my inner soul that has changed through my understanding of the faith within my Gods and Goddesses. These changes have brought about more confusion then anything else, but from that chaos I have changed into a person that realized the Gods and Goddesses are their as lessons for our us. They do not control us, but watch over us. Their magic of learning is that we allow the power to grow within ourselves. As we invoke the idea of the power we are not invoke the magic over the power, but the creation of our own inner focus to that God and Goddess. We are seeing the changes from within ourselves come to light as we see the reality of who we are. This is the part of our Spirituality that will always change and grow with us as we become about belief and not just religion. We allow ourselves the ability to grow with what we need to overcome of this world.