From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Breaking...
Congressman Who Drank from Pope's Glass Now 180 Feet Tall, Rampaging
The Department of Homeland Security and other law-enforcement agencies are on high alert this morning just days after U.S. Rep. Bob Brady (D-PA) drank from the water glass used by Pope Francis during his speech to a joint session of Congress Thursday and went on a rampage after growing 180 feet tall and becoming what terrified citizens describe as "Godzilla in wingtips."
Rep. Brady's fateful sip.
"Honestly, we don’t really know what we're dealing with yet," said DHS Director Jeh Johnson as he dodged another car tossed like a rag doll by the towering congressman. "But this thing must be stopped."
Security guards on Capitol Hill were first alerted Monday morning that someone in a representative's office had grown a huge head and was breaking furniture while shouting petty gibberish. Their response was delayed after misinterpreting the description as a tea party caucus meeting to choose a new House Speaker. After bursting through an exterior wall, Brady set on a path of destruction and is currently consuming the contents of a Denny's on the outskirts of Huntington, West Virginia.
Washington Archbishop Cardinal Donald Wuerl said late last night that Pope Francis regrets not following his usual protocol of personally disposing of his drinking glass so as to avoid this kind of thing. "He's graciously offered to send a battalion of Swiss Guards to help pursue Brady, but beyond that there's not much that can be done."
Several of Rep. Brady's aides and family members, who also drank from the pope's glass, are currently under observation at an undisclosed location.
Responding to the unfolding calamity, the House Intelligence Committee launched a major investigation to find out what Hillary Clinton knew and when she knew it, issuing over five hundred subpoenas in the span of two minutes.
When asked for comment Rep. Brady said, "Raaahhhrrr!" Then he yanked a streetlight out of the ground and used it to smash mailboxes.
Said a passing Medieval knight of Brady's fateful sip: "He chose…poorly."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Note: Newsrooms across America report a shortage of films at 11. Sorry, no film at 11.
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til World Animal Day:
5
Days 'til Maine's
Damariscotta Pumpkin Fest & Regatta:
3
Miles of water pipes that will have to be replaced annually starting in 2035, up from 5,000 this year:
20,000
Estimated cost to replace one mile of water pipe:
$500,000
(Source:
The Maine Sunday Telegram)
Registered Iowa voters who correctly said that George W. Bush was president when the attacks of 9/11 happened:
71%
Percent who believe Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, respectively, were president on 9/11:
10%, 6%
(Source: PPP poll)
Percent chance that the pope is coming out with a pop/rock album
called
"Wake Up!":
100%
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The wingers at Breitbart react to John Boehner's resignation…
Braitbart: Boehner Bad!!!
Maybe you can get a job at the circus and get Obama's stimulus to pay for it.
---Legalizeshemp
Hey Bonehead, we lose because we elect faux conservative, backstabbing, yellow-bellied, libserf-lite losers like you. Now go cry to your mommy.
---Hameph3
In 20 years no will even remember how his name is spelled. He had the ultra-rare chance to make a difference. and he botched it from the beginning. Die in obscurity, JoBo. Your earned it.
---sweptaria
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Say hey Ray…
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CHEERS to a welcome skedaddle. Well, they gave it the old college try, but apparently there just isn’t enough opportunity in the Arctic for a massive oil disaster, so goodbye:
In a setback for dreams of Arctic oil riches, Royal Dutch Shell announced early Monday morning it will indefinitely suspend its Arctic drilling off the Alaska coast after finding insufficient oil and gas in one of its exploratory wells to justify costly development.
The move puts an end---for now---to the contentious debate over whether oil and gas exploration should take place in the environmentally sensitive area off Alaska’s coast. President Obama has come under intense fire for allowing drilling to proceed, and environmentalists cheered Shell’s announcement.
It also highlights the tremendous costs and risks of drilling in the Arctic frontier, which is thought to have vast oil reserves but where little exploration has taken place so far. Daunted by the task, half a dozen companies had already put their Arctic plans on ice; while Exxon Mobil found oil in Russia’s Kara Sea, economic sanctions forced it to halt operations there.
Don’t let the unspoiled wilderness hit ya where the good lord split ya.
But zero humans.
CHEERS to fresh numbers. Interesting PPP poll results via their
twitter feed from the great state of North Carolina:
> Lindsey Graham stands at two. Supporters. Up from zero, which is where Rand Paul now stands.
> Jeb! has dropped from 13% to 5%. Time to buy a faux-ranch in Texas and start clearing brush?
> Trump still crushes all…up from 24% to 26%.
And then there's
this: Nine percent of respondents to an NBC/WSJ poll say they voted for someone other than Obama or Romney, but only 1% of votes cast in 2012 weren’t for Obama or Romney. The other eight percent who no longer want to admit how they voted? Probably Mitt's extended family.
JEERS to Black Monday. Let's not forget how scary things got seven years ago. From the C&J time machine, this was our reaction to the Great Bush Wall Street Crash of 2008:
A very unlucky number.
HOLY SHIT! to September 29, 2008. I always thought when something stopped at "777" it meant we won something. Yesterday it meant America lost 777 points on Wall Street and $1.1 trillion in market value in seven hours. So what to do? For me, it's baby steps. Really, really easy stuff I can do without thinking: 1) Feed cat. 2) Put on socks. 3) Remove cat food from feet. 4) Remove sock from cat's head. Okay, so maybe I'll just sit quietly and grind my teeth for awhile.
I remember feeling actual terror that day and several days after. al Qaeda had nothing to do with it. This time it was Goldman Sachs, AIG, Moody's, Standard & Poor etc., their toxic assets of mass destruction, and a government that deliberately looked the other way. I fear them a thousand times more than I ever feared the cave dwellers. Because George W. Bush was right about one thing: oceans can't protect us---from our own greedy-ass selves.
JEERS to letters from a really awful mailbag. One thing you can always count on when a Republican candidate gets pushback for saying something off-the-charts stupid---like, say, Ben Carson opining that Muslims shouldn't be president---is a supportive scrawl from an idiot in the letters section of the op-ed page. From Sunday's Maine Sunday Telegram:
Keith Ellison for president!
Jesus responded: “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar’s and unto God the things which be God’s.” A modern-day follower of Islam would recognize no such painful choice between temporal authority and his deity (Allah). To him or her, God is Caesar, one and the same. […]
If a follower of Islam were elected to be president of the United States, however, he or she would be obligated to adhere to the eternal, divine and immutable teachings of the Prophet Muhammad as contained in the Quran. There is a profound incompatibility between the religion of Islam and democracy, which precludes consideration of a believing Muslim for election to the essentially secular office of the presidency.
I'll just leave
this here:
All executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.
Good luck repealing that, buddy.
Happy birthday in Polish!
CHEERS to one of the great troublemakers.
Lech Walesa, electrician, founder of the anti-Communist Solidarity Union, President of Poland, and Nobel Peace Prize winner turns 72 today. My memory of his most rebellious time---the late 70s and early 80s---is kinda grainy, but I do remember how I felt back then, living in Germany as I was and occasionally visiting East Berlin as part of a school or family trip, and feeling the oppressiveness of the Soviet influence over everything. So when I saw what Walesa was doing, I felt like,
Wow, that is one gutsy electrician. Despite his anti-abortion, anti-gay (read: staunch Catholic) views, whenever I hear his name, that's still what I think---one gutsy electrician. In his honor, today: no light bulb-changing jokes.
JEERS to getting under-the-hood-winked. Boy, it must be nice to be an Audi driver, knowing that it was the poor Volkswagen drivers who got fed a total fuel-line of bullshit from the company about their vehicles' emissions performance. Oops...looks like I spoke too soon:
One of the affected Audis.
About 2.1 million Audi cars have the software that is at the center of the Volkswagen AG emissions scandal, a spokesman for Audi AG said Monday.
Volkswagen, which owns most of Audi, revealed last week that software for manipulating emissions test results was installed in roughly 11 million diesel-powered cars. The Audi models are part of that total figure, and the cars are likely to be recalled for repairs, spokesman Jürgen De Graeve said. The vast majority of the affected Audi vehicles, or just over two million cars, were sold in Europe, while about 13,000 were sold in the U.S. and Canada, Mr. De Graeve said.
Boy it's nice to be a Metro bus rider.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 29, 2005
CHEERS to "Ilunga." That's the most untranslatable word in the world according to linguists. It's a Bantu word that means---in the Tshiluba tongue---"a person ready to forgive any abuse the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time." Or, as George W. Bush would say, "Fool me once, shame on...shame on me. Fool me...can't get fooled again." (Which, by the way, is the most untranslatable English phrase to the Tshilubas...and everybody else.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to great discoveries. Once again, NASA proves why it should be getting all the funding its nerdy heart desires. After a day of teasing the planet with the promise of big news, the space agency delivered by announcing that there's water flowing on Mars. I'm told it's the dark streaks here:
NASA described the water as briny. The presidents of the bottled water companies described it as "naturally-flavored goodness from the gentle, pristine springs of another world" as they readied their tanker spaceships to drain the fucker.
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Hillary Clinton on Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool: "It's like a drip, drip, drip."
---Yahoo! Politics
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