From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"Take My Soul…Please"
Ah, mid-autumn. The leaves are dropping, a familiar nip returns to the air, pumpkin spice is infused into everything from Twinkies to Tomahawk missiles, and your grip on my soul is slipping faster than supervillain Dr. No's mechanical hands on that metal pole as he descended into a pool of boiling water in his own nuclear reactor at the end of that James Bond movie I can't remember the name of.
For the price of a cup of coffee per
day, you can enjoy both C&J and
one less cup of coffee per day!
So it's money-asking time once again. Totally win-win. You get C&J for another year. I get to relinquish my soul for another year, which frees up valuable storage space in my chest cavity for candy corn. Oh, and also pays the rent.
Quick C&J backstory: I started writing this column twelve years ago in my spare time. Four years later my boss called from his yacht in Florida and informed me that my services writing commercials for products that didn’t kill people (well, not immediately---always outside of the statute of limitations) were no longer needed. Job search looming, I posted a "Ta Ta for Now" note here. The Daily Kos community took to the news like Grover Norquist to a bathtub full of governments in need of drowning and organized what is now an annual collection to keep me from bolting to an exciting new career at the Burger King across the street. So, yes, this is all your doing.
If you're in the mood to keep C&J going for another year, I'd be honored to slip a fresh diaper on my head and fresh ribbons in my 50 chain-smoking monkeys' typewriters. Eight years ago Kos set up PayPal accounts for both one-time donations and recurring monthly donations. The monthly subscriptions are hugely helpful for minimizing the total needed during this annual pledge week:
One time contribution: click here.
$5 monthly contribution: click here
$10 monthly contribution: click here
$20 monthly contribution: click here
To send a donation via snail mail, the address is:
Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
If you're already a C&J monthly subscriber through PayPal and you want to continue, you don’t have to do anything but make sure your card is still active and then feel good about your investment.
C&J is more than just the pinnacle of
mediocrity on the web. C&J is also love.
Overall, my employment record with "you people" is fairly decent. I took zero sick days again this year, and used only one mental health day---as I'm sure we all did---to mourn the June passing of the guy who
invented the plastic pink flamingo. Plus we helped raise money for Netroots Nation and progressive candidates and causes, served as a welcome cabana for new Kossacks getting their bloggerfeet wet, provided sanctuary from the pie fights, and continued mocking the people who put greed and stupidity and dishonesty above country. In 2016 we have big plans to embrace the switchover to the new DKos 5.0 multi-device-friendly platform by thoroughly misunderstanding how it works and causing many multi-device meltdowns. (My psychic says it'll be Lester Holt's top story sometime in February.)
As always, thanks for keeping the C&J kiddie pool inflated for America and freedom.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, October 19, 2015
Note: Today is Evaluate Yourself Day. For best results, grade on a curve.
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3 days 'til the flubber flows!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Veterans' Day:
23
Days 'til the
Bay Area Science Festival in San Francisco:
3
Time it took for the tickets to the Democratic candidates' forum in South Carolina next month to sell out last Friday:
5 minutes
(Source: Rachel Maddow)
Number of people who end up in the emergency room each year due to side effects from taking sexual-enhancement supplements:
617
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
Portion of Iowa Republicans likely to attend a caucus who said in May that they would never back Donald Trump:
3/5
In August:
3/10
(Source: Harper's Index)
Cost to the U.S. economy in 2010 due to worker hangovers:
$77 billion
(Source: CDC)
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 34 Indianapolis Colts 27
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In fairness, the pumpkin started it.
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Wait, wut?
CHEERS to the #1 story of the day, the week, the month, the year and the entire friggin' millennium. Sometime today (during a football game tonight we hear, but who knows with those sneaky Lucasfilm people) a new
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens trailer comes out. Spoiler alert: sources tell me that at the very end the new villain Kylo Ren looks into the camera and snarls: "Luke…Disney is now your father." Man, dude just can't catch a break.
[Thpppppt!!!] In Canada we get a sticker
that says, "I voted AND farted!" Hahaha!
CHEERS to the rumble in the tundra. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t know that today is election day in Canada. After all, their campaign season is mercifully brief (78 days) and voting is a no-drama, no-suppression affair. There's good news and bad news for liberals this morning. The good: the
latest polls suggest a sizable defeat for George W. Bush, Jr.---aka Prime Minister Stephen Harper---and his conservative coalition. The bad: apparently the "key battleground in deciding who would be Canada's next prime minister" is the
greater Toronto area. Yes, the same Toronto that thought electing crazy conservative crackhead Rob Ford as mayor would be a swell idea. While we're waiting for the results…ice-cold Molson, anyone?
JEERS to conversations around future dinner tables. President Obama's announcement last week makes this scenario a little more likely…
We just can't quit you.
Dad: Son, we're proud you're going to serve your country in Afghanistan.
Mom: Yes, dear. Just like your father. And his father.
Dad: And his father, and his father, and his father.
Mom: And now you're carrying on the family tradition. Say, why are we fighting over there, again?
Son: Beats me.
Dad: Enough talkin'. Pass the mashed potaters.
…and a lot more depressing.
CHEERS to wars worth fighting. On October 19, 1781, British General Lord Cornwallis (or, rather, a representative of his---Benny Hill, I believe) surrendered to Washington's Continental Army outside of Yorktown, effectively ending our War of Independence. The surrender agreement contained the first recorded use of the phrase "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!!" (Full disclosure: Lafayette's idea.)
JEERS to messy times. A river of mud swept across part of a California highway last week, burying vehicles and panicking motorists. But things cleared up quickly when the Huckabee 2016 campaign bus got off at the next exit.
JEERS to the Big Dump. On October 19, 1987---on Saint Ronald Reagan's watch---stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. They called it "Black Monday." The lowlights as they unfolded:
The plunge of Oct. 19, 1987 was
triggered when Reagan sneezed.
10:30 AM With 140 million shares traded, the Dow is down 101 points, to 2145.
11:45 AM A brief turnaround gives traders a flicker of hope as the Dow regains 95 points in a half-hour.
1 PM As rumors spread about a NYSE shutdown, the Dow plunges 100 points in the next hour.
2:15 PM With the Dow down 300 points, an investor outside the NYSE screams, "Down with Reagan! Down with MBAs! Down with yuppies!"
4 PM The NYSE closes. Chairman John Phelan says it was the closest thing to a "financial meltdown" that he had ever seen.
The percentage decline (22.6%) was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Thank god we learned our lesson and, through sensible legislation, never had to experience anything like
that again. Attaboy, Congress!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 19, 2005
JEERS to the dick in the dock. All eyes were on Baghdad this morning, where Saddam Hussein finally went on trial for crimes against humanity. If convicted, he'll likely receive the harshest penalty possible: Death by Doritos. ("Bet ya can't eat just one more!" [Crunch...Ka-boom!] "Mop!")
P.S. They won't reconvene until November 28th??? At this rate, the guy's gonna die of old age.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to foresight. Can you imagine being able to go back 30 years and gobble up the very first internet domain names like a kid in a candy store? This would've been your only competition for URLs back then:
Rank Create date Domain name
1. 15-Mar-1985 SYMBOLICS.COM
2. 24-Apr-1985 BBN.COM
3. 24-May-1985 THINK.COM
4. 11-Jul-1985 MCC.COM
5. 30-Sep-1985 DEC.COM
6. 07-Nov-1985 NORTHROP.COM
7. 09-Jan-1986 XEROX.COM
8. 17-Jan-1986 SRI.COM
9. 03-Mar-1986 HP.COM
10. 05-Mar-1986 BELLCORE.COM
Mommy, hindsight hurts.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"If you saw Bill in Portland Maine coming at you with his jaws open, it would freak you out of your mind."
---Brooks Britt, Brigham Young University
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