From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned from Republicans in October
Time to give your brain cells their monthly workout:
Sex belongs to Christians. (Pastor John Piper)
American schools should have a sticker on their windows that say, "We are armed. Come in at your own peril. You will be shot." (Rand Paul)
Gay marriage is like car seats for conjoined twins. (Ben Carson)
President Barack Obama's treatment of Israel caused the thousand-year floods in South Carolina. (Michele Bachmann)
Real Christians own guns. (Tennessee Lt. Governor Ron Ramsey)
County legislatures can pass resolutions barring God from destroying them within their jurisdictions. (Blount County, Tennessee Committeewoman Karen Miller)
Rape victims who schedule an abortion are the same as slave owners. (Ben Carson again)
Guns should be taken away from people…but only black people. (Former Arizona Republican Chairman Randy Pullen)
To survive nuclear annihilation, you need to buy magic milk buckets. (Jim Bakker)
The Jews could've destroyed the Nazi war machine and prevented the holocaust if only they'd had pistols and rifles. (Carson…again)
No expense should be spared in providing federal financial aid to South Carolina for natural disaster relief, but other states in need of aid should just suck it up and practice rugged individualism. (Lindsey Graham)
Don’t worry, be happy---the End Times are near. (Carson….again)
And the most coherent thing I learned from a Republican this month, courtesy of
Jeb Bush:
"Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah."
Congratulations. You're one step closer to graduating summa cum sparkle pony.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 29, 2015
Note: The only way to stop a bad werewolf with a gun loaded with silver bullets is a good werewolf with a gun loaded with silver bullets. In either case, be prepared to duck.
---Your Evil Friends at the NRA
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Democratic candidates' forum in South Carolina:
8
Days 'til the
Pittsburgh Bellydance Festival:
8
Percent chance that Walmart is seeking FAA permission to test delivery drones:
100%
(Source: CNN Money)
Percent of Americans who now support the tea party:
19%
Percent of Americans who think Congress is doing a good job:
13%
(Source: CBS News poll)
President Obama approval rating according to Gallup:
49%
Length of time 11,000 people in Britain will be studied to learn about aspirin's affect on certain types of cancer:
12 years
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
World Series Game 2
Kansas City Royals 7 New York Mets 1
(Kansas City leads 2 games to 0)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
It would be nice to think the R's knew what they were doing, but their main motivation seems to be preventing Clinton from getting anything he wants. So far, after years of this behavior, the only damage has been to either the R's or the public interest. Maybe they should consider compromising with him instead.
---October 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Reunited…
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CHEERS to dollars and sense. Although I admit this is a very mild cheer because passage of a budget should be pretty routine stuff, not something that warrants a ticker-tape parade down Broadway. But Republicans are asshole obstructionists, and it's a victory insofar as there won’t be any debt-ceiling threats or government shutdowns for the next two years. Besides, Bernie Sanders is on board and The New York Times is calling it a win for the White House. Plus this looks pretty encouraging:
I expect half of those jobs well be in the fast-growing tea-party grief counselor sector.
JEERS to an unpleasant evening of blather. The economy was the focus last night at the third Republican debate, and all I can say is thank god those people aren't economics instructors because they suck at it. The spittle flew in Boulder, which was an appropriate location because by the time it ended I was begging for someone to throw one on top of me and put me out of my misery. Still it was fun watching the candidates go after each other, particularly the single-digit kids who have nothing left to lose (except, of course, the nomination). These were the highlights:
Commercial break 1
Commercial break 2
Commercial break 3
The candidates leave the stage.
The big winner, as usual: Democrats.
WHATEVER to the passing of the gavel. The full House votes for a new Speaker today. A very unpleasant white male climate-change denier with a laser-like focus on making life as difficult for the poor and middle class while granting any and all favors to corporate behemoths and their billionaire owners will be chosen to replace a very unpleasant white male climate-change denier with a laser-like focus on making life as difficult for the poor and middle class while granting any and all favors to corporate behemoths and their billionaire owners. But the new guy has bigger biceps so, my god, this changes everything!
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On October 29, 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) was formed to help reduce the extent to which men act like pigs:
Happy birthday.
We are the grassroots arm of the women’s movement. The National Organization for Women is the largest organization of feminist activists in the United States. NOW has hundreds of thousands of contributing members and more than 500 local and campus affiliates in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. Since our founding in 1966, NOW’s goal has been “to take action” to bring about equality for all women. Both the actions NOW takes and its position on the issues are principled, uncompromising and often ahead of their time. NOW is a leader, not a follower, of public opinion.
A lot of progress has been made, but the assault on women's health rights by the conservative movement and the continued refusal of employers to practice wage equality is damn frustrating. And then there are the pockets of flat-out misogyny, one of which is on full display by the organizers of the big SXSW convention in Texas. Apparently holding a panel discussion on rampant sexism in the online gaming world is a bridge too far…and if you want to read a response that'll make you pump your fist in the air, check out
this open letter from former NFL punter Chris Kluwe. See, guys? That's how you do it.
JEERS to very bad blimpsitters. A blimp got away from a NORAD mooring yesterday and wreaked all kinds of blimp havoc
on the village folk in the Pennsylvania shire. It was an unmanned blimp, prompting the on-scene reporter to exclaim, "Oh, the non-humanity!" There were no injuries but anchors at several cable news outlets suffered brief bouts of Oh Look Shiny Object Syndrome. Goodyear released a brief statement: "Amateurs."
CHEERS to the most trusted name in news (well, besides Cronkite and Maddow). On October 29, 1911, Joseph Pulitzer died at 64 aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina, thus ending the life of the "yellow journalism" publisher who was dedicated to looking out for the little guy (if loudly and sensationalistically):
A freshly-made Pooplitzer.
Previously the press usually spoke for the establishment and moneyed interests, but this new strain of journalism supported labor, attacked trusts and monopolies, and exposed scandal, fraud and corruption, both public and private.
At a time when journalism was not considered a respectable way of earning a living, Pulitzer was committed to raising the standards of the profession.
Today the best and the brightest in journalism are celebrated with the coveted "Pulitzer," which comes in a lovely velvet display case. And when I depart this earth I still plan to leave behind a foundation that will recognize the most dimwitted and dishonest. I'm calling it the "Pooplitzer" and it'll come in a lovely doggie-doo bag. The inaugural Pooplitzer ceremony will make history---it'll be the first time the world ever hears the words, "And the winner is: Fox News."
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 29, 2005
JEERS to the war on pot. Raise the white flag already. A new study reveals that marijuana does not promote lung cancer like those awful death sticks known as cigarettes. This on top of the fact that pot is not addicting, not a "gateway drug," and high amounts may actually improve your memory. Jeez...not only should they legalize it, maybe they should stick it in the USDA food pyramid.
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And just one more…
JEERS to today's edition of Things That Cannot Be Unseen. The following cannot be unseen (and if you click the sound on at the bottom right, it also cannot be unheard):
This has been today's edition of Things That Cannot Be Unseen. Pleasant dreams tonight!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
More than half a century after a group of beavers parachuted into the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, officials have uncovered footage of the quirky wildlife management moment.
---AP
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