From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: A-holes and Fairy Tales Edition
"It is important to remember: nothing about what these assholes are trying to do is going to work. France is going to endure, and I'll tell you why. If you're in a war of culture and lifestyle with France? Good fucking luck."
---John Oliver
"It's not like [Republicans] want to turn away every single refugee. … This kind of selective immigration is nothing new. Like the plaque on the Statue of Liberty says: Give us your tired, your poor, mostly Christians, and maybe one or two Indian guys with engineering degrees."
---Stephen Colbert
“I had the cutest thing happen last night. I was putting my daughter to bed and she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I said, ‘Mother Goose?’ She said, ‘No, Ben Carson.’"
---Jimmy Fallon
”Former President George H.W. Bush has a new biography coming out titled Destiny and Power, while Jeb Bush has a new biography titled neither of those.”
---Seth Meyers
“The [right-wing’s] theory is that men---in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom---are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their name, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals.”
---SNL's Pete Davidson On the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance that got voted down.
And nine years ago this week:
"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector."
---David Letterman
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 20, 2015
Note: It's Peanut Butter Fudge Day. So if your peanut butter starts waving around a report full of statistics, verify verify verify.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the end of Atlantic hurricane season: 10
Days 'til the SLO Bacon Fest in San Luis Obispo, California: 1
Expected year during which women's pay will equal men's globally, according to the World Economic Forum's Global Gender Gap report: 2133
Percent of fresh fruit that's imported into the U.S. according to USDA: 52%
Current per-barrel price of oil: $39.91
Percent of Americans who have passed off a store-bought pie as homemade, according to Parade: 7%
Temperature the inner thigh of a turkey (and stuffing, if used) must reach to be deemed safe to eat, according to federal guidelines: 165 degrees
-
Puppy Pic of the Day
Over at Cute Overload it's Nosevember…
-
CHEERS to first things first. Pardon me while I take care of this: Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2!!!! This fulfills my Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 hype obligation to society. Thank you.
CHEERS to weekend election excitement. There's a real pick-up opportunity for Democrats in Louisiana tomorrow as voters there choose a new governor. On the Republican side: prostitution-industry supporter and all-around dim bulb "Diaper Dave" Vitter. On the Democratic side: West Point grad and former Army Ranger (but far from liberal but at least he wants to expand Medicaid) Jon Bel Edwards. Edwards is favored to win, but Vitter's hail-Mary pass is to stoke post-Paris-attacks paranoia with this disgusting ad. Last year the ebola scare catapulted our teabagger governor to a second term here in Maine, so I'm not popping any champagne corks yet. If you're a Pelican-Stater get out and vote and drag along 500 of your neighbors. Be sure to hold hands when crossing the street.
CHEERS to the scrapper from Scranton. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to America's 47th Vice President, Joe Biden, whose way with words---intentional and otherwise---is a joy to behold:
"I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says, too."
"[David] Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter, but I told him I'm much better when I wing it. I know these evenings run long, so I'm going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can't be here tonight because he's busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it's about him."
"If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you're worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It's a pretty hard experience. He'll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at."
I will never forget how he tore Paul Ryan to pieces by literally laughing at him in the 2012 VP debate. That was about as close to political Nirvana as I've ever gotten. Good ol' Joe turns 73 today---and that's no malarkey. But it is a BFD.
JEERS to today's edition of Nobody Could've Predicted. Oh gosh, this is such a stunner:
Common sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis and gonorrhea have exploded in recent years, in part because of reduced funding for public health clinics, federal officials reported Tuesday. […]
What's going on to cause the increase? There are several factors, the CDC says. Budget cuts are a big factor. "Most recently, there have been significant erosions of state and local STD control programs," [CDC's Dr. Gail] Bolan said. "Most people don't recognize that the direct clinical care of individuals with sexually transmitted diseases is supported by state and local funds and federal funds."
This has been today's edition of Nobody Could've Predicted.
CHEERS to prioritizing the paranoia. The sheer number of conspiracy theories and other wacky accusations that have been thrown at our 44th president is breathtaking. So I gotta hand it to him for being able to choose a chart-topper:
President Obama shared with Bill Simmons the most entertaining conspiracy theory that he’s ever read about himself.
Said Obama: “That military exercises we were doing in Texas were designed to begin martial law so that I could usurp the Constitution and stay in power longer. Anybody who thinks I could get away with telling Michelle I’m going to be president any longer than eight years does not know my wife.”
Translation: he's going to tell Michelle he's going to be president longer than eight years, and when she freaks out he's going to declare martial law to stay in power longer. Don’t let your guard down, right-wingers. He's sneaky, that one.
CHEERS to reaching dry land. On today's date in 1620, after being denied boarding passes at Heathrow because they were on the no-fly list, a bunch of "pilgrims" from England with a bad case of B.O. and no sense of humor landed in New England after 66 days at sea and promptly got all quill-crazy, signing the Mayflower Compact “to enact, constitute, and frame just and equal laws, ordinances, acts, constitutions and offices, from time to time, as shall be thought most meet and convenient for the general good of the Colony, unto which we promise all due submission and obedience. By the way, the ship was destined for the northern edge of the Virginia Colony, but they ended up dropping anchor in a totally different place: Provincetown, Massachusetts. After spending several years reviewing all the available evidence, I've come to an inescapable conclusion: GPS sucked back then.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Angus "The Mustache of Independence" King from MAINE, California's next governor Gavin Newsom, Ben Domenech, Andy Cohen and Canadian trade minister Chrystia Freeland. New DVD releases include an extended version of the last Hobbit flick and the updated version of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Matthew McConaughey hosts SNL. The hockey schedule is here and the NFL schedule is here. (The Patriots don’t play the Bills until Monday, so nothing really to see this weekend.) And, as always, John Oliver wraps up the big stories of the last seven days on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta; Gov. John Kasich (R-OH).
This Week: Gov. Martin O’Malley; Ben Carson; Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), the only Muslim in Congress; Rep. Martha McSally (R-AZ) freaks out because she has to sit next to a scary Muslim terrorist congressman who should be deported. George Stephanopoulos says oh my goodness look at the time we’ll have to leave it there and cuts to a commercial
Face the Nation: Sens. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Rand Paul (R-KY); Brett McGurk, the president's special envoy to the global coalition to combat ISIS; Rep. Michael McCaul (R-TX) whines about Obama’s ISIS strategy but offers none of his own besides “leadership!”; CBS News Elections Director Anthony Salvanto.
CNN's State of the Union: Former Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel; House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA); Gov. Chris Christie.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL). But to keep the show fair and balanced, Chris Wallace also booked Rush Limbaugh.
Happy viewing!
Ten years ago in C&J: November 20, 2005
CHEERS to Rep. John Murtha (D-PA). Holy crap, where did this guy come from?? This bundle of red, white and blue from Pennsylvania has the demeanor of an ox and the voice of Jimmy Stewart. And he's on our team! From Sunday's Meet the Press:
[Please pardon our gap. DK5 looooves gaps.]
"I'm absolutely convinced that we're making no progress at all, and I've been complaining for two years that there's an overly optimistic---an illusionary process going on here. They keep trying to measure Iraqi troops by our standards. They don't need to meet our standard. And until we turn it over to the Iraqis, we're going to continue to do the fighting. Our young men and women are going to continue to suffer.
"I go to the hospitals almost every week. I'm going to go out there again this week, and I see these young people doing the fighting and it's time to turn it over to Iraq. Give them the incentive to do the fighting themselves. They'll have to work this out themselves. This is their country. We've become the enemy. Eighty percent of the people in Iraq want us out of there. Forty-five percent say it's justified to attack Americans. It's time to change direction."
Your move, Young Republicans. Grab yer gun and git over to Mess-O-Potamia so you can prove "Crazy Murtha" wrong. (Oh, and you might want to ask your parents for an advance on your allowance so you can buy some body armor.)
And just one more…
And just one more…
CHEERS to the lexicon of our lives. Some people say that we only use a handful of the words available to us in the English language. I'm no "expert," but I'd still like to respond to that by saying: no fart no no booger no no fart no booger booger fart no. Now that I've gotten that off my booger fart, here's Oxford Dictionaries' #1 "word" of 2015, and this one rivals the vapidity of Time magazine naming "You" its 2006 Person of the Year:
[Please pardon our gap. DK5 looooves gaps.]
“An emoji is ‘a small digital image or icon used to express an idea or emotion in electronic communication’; the term emoji is a loanword from Japanese, and comes from e ‘picture’ + moji ‘letter, character’. … Emojis are no longer the preserve of texting teens – instead, they have been embraced as a nuanced form of expression, and one which can cross language barriers.”
Other letter-based vittles on the shortlist include ad blocker, on fleek (Extremely good, attractive, or stylish), lumbersexual (a young urban man who cultivates an appearance and style of dress---typified by a beard and check shirt---suggestive of a rugged outdoor lifestyle), refugee and sharing economy (an economic system in which assets or services are shared between private individuals, either for free or for a fee, typically by means of the Internet). We salute all the winners and, as always, hope they enjoy their lifetime supply of alphabet soup.
Have a :-) weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-